Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Maria Herrera on March 22, 2021 at 4:05pm

Hi Liv,

So sorry to hear about this.  I am in the same boat, some of my friends, do not ask me how I am feeling and some do, but I can not expect them to know how to deal with this HUGE loss.  So I try and not take it personally.  No one can understand the loss of a father unless they have gone through this pain.  Just keep moving forward with people's reactions.  And you deal with your own.  OMG!  I relate to you, with your statement of "he is not coming back".  That thought always makes me cry and go back to day one.  Good luck with this journey.  

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 22, 2020 at 8:49pm

Hey guys.

Have you ever had people tell you afterwards that they're here for you, but then they never follow through? That's been happening to me a lot lately.

Right after everything happened, I've had people come up to me and say "Let me know if you need anything, or if I can do anything to help... I'm only a text message away..." or even worse "I'll be checking up on you, so we'll talk soon..." I hate these. They keep their promise for a few days, maybe a week, and then it's like they get tired of it or maybe they're just busy. They still shouldn't make promises that they can't keep.

I have this friend, sort of, and he was really sweet right for the days following my dad's death. He even repeatedly asked me how I was doing when I just said okay. Then again, once I answered truthfully, with a longer reply on how I was actually doing, he stopped asking. Looking back, I guess that's why he stopped replying to my messages. Either way, it's still a jerk move. It's obvious that I'm in a lot of pain. I mean, I lost my dad, with barely any warning, and now my so-called "friends" don't even check up on me anymore. 

Maybe I don't even want them checking up on me, but I would like to feel seen or heard, or at least to know that I'm not alone, even if they just talk to me, without asking me how I'm doing. Then again, I tend to also get mad when they act like I'm not suffering here. I don't know. I guess every move someone makes is the incorrect one. I don't know what anyone can do to help me. I'm just so lost. I'm trying to survive without my favorite person in the world. I'm trying to keep my grades up. I'm trying to act human. But sometimes it is just too much to bare.

I miss my dad.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 24, 2020 at 12:48pm

Hi guys,

So I took an exam yesterday worth 33.3% of my grade for one of my classes. It was the same exam that I was studying for at 9:41 on September 27. I studied for that test 3 times because I didn't know when I was going to have to retake it. I couldn't study for it too much at night though because it only brought up memories from that night. Sometimes I ended up crying just after looking at my notebook. I guess it is safe to say that I wasn't expecting to do so well, but I got an A-.

My professor told me that I did "amazingly well, especially under these circumstances." I don't know if he meant because of what I am going through or because two-thirds of the class got a C or worse. Either way, I think that's the best thing that could have happened right now.

I'm sure there will be paragraphs of sorrow later; Tomorrow is four weeks. Sundays, and just weekends in general, are just plain awful for me that they're no longer relaxing, making the following week more draining and tiring.

So wish me luck and thanks for reading.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 25, 2020 at 1:28pm

Hi,

It's four weeks today. I did some number-crunching, and it's been:

• 123 days since I last saw him in person and hugged him goodbye, when I dropped him off at the hospital.
• 70 days since I last saw him through a window, before saying goodbye to leave for school.
• 33 days since I last spoke to him on the phone, before he went unconscious.
• 28 days since he passed away, and left me forever.

I don't know why I thought it was okay to leave him. I guess I thought he had more time. We should of had more time. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself.

I miss my dad so much. Too much.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 26, 2020 at 10:07am

Dear Friends,

The only person who acknowledged yesterday's significance was a friend I made here. Not one real-world "friend" or family member. I did not receive a single text or phone call yesterday. No one said, "wow. four weeks. how are you doing?" NOTHING.

That only made the time after 9:41 harder. I cried and I sobbed so hard last night that my eyes won't open all the way today, and that's after putting cold things on them to reduce the swelling.

I'd like to say that I cried for my dad, but in reality I cried for myself. I'm not a super selfish person really, but lately, I have been. I cry because I miss my dad. I cry because he left me alone. I cry for all of the things I'll never get to say, for all of the lost moments, hugs, tears, and smiles. I cry because I'm mad about missing out on time with him, and for that, I'll never be able to forgive myself; I cry because all of the regrets I have, make me so dark with self-hatred that I don't know what to do. I cry because people do not acknowledge my pain, and because nothing anyone does can rid me of this pain, because nothing can bring him back.

Yesterday was four weeks, but tomorrow is one month. Looks like a back to back crying-sequence is ahead of me.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 27, 2020 at 5:46pm

One month ago, today, my world fell apart. I wonder if I can ever piece it back together again.

I miss my dad.

I've had a habit of wearing his shirts, especially on days like today. The one I'm wearing now smells just like him. Every time I catch his scent, I cry.

I miss my dad.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 29, 2020 at 8:44pm

Hey all,

So, Halloween is coming up. It is always my favorite holiday or time of year. Or at least it was. I don't know now. I was really looking forward to it, even after my dad passed. It was something that I could do to make me feel normal again, even though it would be my first time doing festive things with friends in a long time. Maybe I thought I'd have fun. I guess I got my hopes up too soon again...

My roommate, and pretty much only friend, had to leave for family reasons. I completely understand. I had to do the same not even two months ago, and look how well that turned out. It still sucks considering she was the one I tied my plans to. I really wanted to have a good time. I needed to have a good time. Worst of all, I'd gotten my hopes up.

You may wonder why that's such a big deal. Let me tell you... I don't know about you guys, but a characteristic of my depression is that the tiniest of things can set me off, either in rage, or into a spiral of sadness. Now, I'm sad all the time so it doesn't really matter, but getting my hopes up leaves me crashing down, even over the simplest of things. Because one thing I was really looking forward to came up empty handed, once again, I don't know. I just really needed something good to happen. Really really badly. I guess that's just how this year is supposed to go. Or this life.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 30, 2020 at 9:04am

Sorry for the bitterness last night. I just really needed this, and the disappointment is crushing me. Oh well. Better get used to it, I guess.

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Permalink Reply by Joy on November 2, 2020 at 1:54am

Hi Liv, I felt compelled to reply to your post.  I don’t write anymore.  I did quite a bit when my mom died 3 years ago but I realized nothing could take the sadness away so I stopped. I lost my dad 18 years ago. So I’m without parents. Your posts resonate so much because I know and understand your sadness.  You lost your favorite person.  I get that.  I really do as my mom was my favorite person in the world.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. There’s nothing that I could say to make you feel any better, but just know that I read your posts and I along with others do care (especially those of us who’ve lost someone dear). I hope you find some peace.  

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Permalink Reply by Liv on November 3, 2020 at 4:23pm

Hey everybody.

I didn't cry so much on the anniversary on Sunday, and I think it is starting to show. Now, when I think of the little things, I ache and I cry. I'm not an emotional person usually; I was kind of getting used to only breaking down once a week, and being sad or numb the rest of the time, instead of crying more frequently over smaller things.

I have been writing down and listing the little memories that I can think of, about my dad. I write down all of the childhood memories I can remember, before I forget them for good. I only have three pages so far, and it is making this so hard. I am only trying to write down the good things, so not thinking about his decline this year, but it's been hard. Today, after remembering a few more memories, I was put back into the bargaining, and self-anger phase. 

How did I not know what was going to happen? How could I be so naive into actually thinking that he would get better, when he declined so far so fast? Why did I leave for school? Why did I drop him off at the hospital four months ago? Why did I miss out on all of this time? What would have happened if I didn't, if he didn't go? Would he still have gotten so sick? Would he still be here?

Most of all, why did he have to go? I still need my dad. I wish I had more time, so much more time. I miss him so much, too much.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on November 4, 2020 at 6:40pm

Hey guys.

So just as I thought things with my mother were finally turning around, she goes and tells someone I'm no longer friends with, that my dad has passed away.

She already made the service about her, and posted when he was sleeping, and when he died, on Facebook, and then reading me the comments from a "friend of a second cousin of mine" that they're sorry (like that will bring him back, thanks!) Anyways, now, she's telling my "friends" too? It wasn't her place to tell.

(I dual-enrolled my senior year of high school, and when I left, and they stayed in high school, they moved on without me. I thought we could still hang out on weekends, and that I could join them for lunch sometimes, and when I did, they had new friends. This specific "friend" threw four years of friendship down the drain. They stopped responding to my texts, or blew me off when we had possible plans.) I wasn't the one who wanted to stop being friends! I was heart broken for months, until things with my dad started to worsen, then I had bigger problems to cry about, and them ditching me didn't hurt as much. I mean, nothing can hurt as much as losing my dad.

So, I thought, when my world falls apart, why should I have to reach out and tell them? So I didn't. And here we are.

The last line in "my friend's" long text message is "I'm here for you." Really? Where was she when I was crying myself to sleep, over his decline, or over his death?!

She asked me to call her, if I feel like it. I don't know what to say...

Any pointers?

I only texted her that I was okay, and asked how she was. She hasn't responded yet. I'm trying to keep thing civil, but I want to scream. I was already sad today, for no other reason than the fact that he's gone.

I didn't need this too.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Rosie on November 4, 2020 at 9:52pm

Hi Liv,

Ah - so sorry to hear that. I guess my advice would be that you don't need to reply back right away, or even at all. Maybe just letting it sit for a few days and deciding what/if you want to say.  I don't think it's rude to just be quiet for awhile, and she should understand that you're grieving. You don't owe her any type of response and shouldn't feel pressured to reply in my opinion. Sounds like your response was already quite gracious considering the situation. Maybe down the road you'll address some of the issues you have with her, but right now you shouldn't feel the need to add a stressful situation into the mix while you're grieving your dad. Hope it works out. 

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