Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rosie on October 10, 2020 at 2:04pm

Losing someone is never easy, but these unprecedented times cause even more challenges and pain. I'm so sorry that you lost your dad during Covid and that you didn't get to hug him one last time. Allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need. Be patient and kind to yourself. One minute at a time.

I've never been a fan of people saying that time heals all, because it absolutely does not. After I lost my brother, I had the same question. "Does it get better?" I asked to someone who had lost their partner to cancer many years earlier. I will always remember their response and still appreciate it to this day. "It doesn't get better. It just gets different." And I think that's the best we can hope for. Some day the weight of grief will lift again, and you will be able to breathe more freely and smile and even laugh. Take care of yourself.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 10, 2020 at 3:31pm

Hi all. I just need to type some things down so here it goes.

I am eighteen and eight months old. My parents got divorced when I was very young and so it was always split custody. Looking back, I feel like I only got about nine, maybe ten full years with my dad. Some of those years, I struggle to remember. I feel like he's already slipping away. I just miss my dad so much. There are so many things he'll never see, or he'll never be there for. He'll never meet a boyfriend of mine. He'll never walk me down the isle at my wedding. He'll never officially get to see me graduate high school and walk across the stage at graduation (that one was due to the virus). He'll never get to really see me grow up, or have kids. He would have been so good with his grandchildren. These are all very important moments that my dad will never witness. Thinking about this just breaks my heart. All of these moments are supposed to be happy ones but if or when they occur without him, will I be thinking of him the whole time? Will my heart break all over again?

Any time I think about having fun, I think, what's the point since he isn't here? Why breathe when he can't?

I suffer from depression, and in those bad times in the past, I hung on for him. "Dad needs me," I said. Now, it's the other way around. I need him, and he's no longer here.

These are about the worse of my thoughts, and I'm sorry to put this on you guys. I'm just trying to get through this. I hope writing it all out helps.

Thanks for reading.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 11, 2020 at 10:51am

Today (at 9:41 p.m.) officially marks the two week anniversary of my father's passing. I'm just going to be honest: This sucks. I miss him so much. How am I supposed to focus on anything else, when my dad is just gone? I just feel so empty without him. Other times, it hurts so much I can't breathe.

Today is one of those bad days again, I guess.

Thanks for reading.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 12, 2020 at 3:20pm

I keep hearing past tense verbs, and sometimes I even use them myself.

"My dad was..." NO. He still is. I don't know where he is now, but just because he's gone doesn't mean he stopped being a kind, generous man.

I don't know. Maybe I am making too much of a deal about this, but the wound is still fresh. I just hate hearing it. It is just another reminder that he's gone. It's a kick in the chest really.

I hate that he's gone. He can't be gone. I still need him. I miss him so much.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 13, 2020 at 12:13pm

My dad appeared in my dream last night. It was a version of him I haven't seen in years.

He was smiling, and he was healthy. He could walk and stand up right. He was just joking around with me. It was only for a minute or two, but those two minutes were the happiest I've been in weeks, maybe even months, even if it was just in a dream. It was definitely the happiest I had seen my dad in months, maybe even years.

This wasn't the first time my dad was in my dreams. Most of the time it was just his voice, or he was always out of reach. This time, he was finally attainable. He was here beside me, laughing with me. Oh, how I wish it was real. All I want is my dad, for him to just be here, but he's not. And he never will be again.

I don't know what I prefer, getting to see him in my dreams, or not. When he appears in my dreams, I get to see him, talk with him, laugh with him. I get my dad back for a little while, but this also makes the harsh reality of waking up even more soul-crushing than usual. Why couldn't it be real?

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Permalink Reply by Rosie on October 13, 2020 at 2:39pm

Wow, that is very powerful. I've read that people frequently will dream about lost loved ones, and I certainly dreamt about my brother, especially in the weeks and months after his death. I remember waking up and thinking about how cruel it was that a dream was now a place of comfort and real life was the actual nightmare. I'm glad your dreams sound like they are comforting and you can have some peace, even if it's just for a short time while you sleep. The punch to the gut when you awake and realize it wasn't real has to be very agonizing. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 14, 2020 at 10:13am

My dad once again appeared in my dream last night. This time I was saying goodbye. I knew it was a dream. I knew I may never get the chance to see him or hug him again, so I took it. I hugged my dad goodbye. I was sobbing in my dream and I knew I should never let go, so I didn't. I woke up in agonizing pain, both physical and emotional. Who knew grief could hurt this much?

As if I needed another reminder that he's gone, I got the death certificate in the mail today. It's actual proof that he's gone forever.

Today is just going to be another bad day, I guess.

Thanks for reading.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on February 2, 2021 at 7:13pm

I am so sorry for your loss. The dream you mentioned (in which he was healthy) sounds lovely....perhaps it was a real visitation dream? I've read that when we see our dead loved ones in dreams and they appear healthy (and often a bit younger, generally in their 30s), those are real visitation dreams. Maybe they all are.  In any case -- I know it sucks to wake up and he's not there anymore, but if you can, try to just treasure those moments in the dreams. 

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 18, 2020 at 1:35pm

Hi everybody.

It is three weeks today. Sundays suck now.

I mean, every day sucks now, but Sundays are the worst. 

Looking back, it really shouldn't be Sundays because he was asleep for a few days before passing. Either way, my mother is still checking up on me with that voice. You know the one. The really soft and "endearing" voice that asks "how are you doing today?" Like how do you think? Today hurts, just like every other day. I don't need any extra reminders that he's gone. I don't need any more triggers to cry. I don't need any of this. I just need my dad.

But he's gone.

The only time I can see him is in my dreams, which I usually wake from in a full body sweat, in tears, crying out only in my head. I don't know if its a gift or a curse. Probably both, or neither. Either way, it makes me not sleep well so that's another thing I have going for me. I don't know. I guess I'm just meant to struggle.

If I hear the "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" or "God gives you only what you can handle" one more time, I'm going to scream. I don't believe in that, I can't, because I've had way too much on my plate for way too long. And then my favorite person in the world leaves me, and I can't function. I'm not handling this well, or at all really. I'm not getting stronger. So I don't know why life wants me to suffer.

Sorry for the negativity, but I am negative and I have every right to be I think.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 19, 2020 at 10:18am

Hi all.

I broke down in front of my roommate yesterday. I couldn't help it. Three weeks really gives you time to process a loss and the fact that he is never coming back. 9:41 p.m. on Sundays will forever haunt me I guess. That was the moment I cracked. I couldn't stop the tears from coming down.

My roommate was really kind and understanding about it too. She listened to what I felt like sharing. She offered me chocolate and tissues. She let me cry about it, but wouldn't let me drown in my sorrows. I don't know what I'd do without her. She seems to be the only one in the real world who's there for me (not counting you guys).

Anyways, if there's any way you can think of to help...

Am I crying or feeling too much?

I really don't know how to deal with all of this. Any pointers?

I'd appreciate the insight.

Thanks,

Liv

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Permalink Reply by Rosie on October 19, 2020 at 5:36pm

Hey Liv,

I wanted to touch on this specific topic. I'm so glad you have a roommate you can be open with. I feel like feeling like you have to stifle or delay your grief because of your living situation would be even more painful. As far as crying or feeling too much - NOPE. I personally think you should let yourself experience any emotion you're feeling and however that expresses itself is totally fine. I remember that after my brother died, my eyes were physically swollen shut from crying so much.

As far as tips go, I think just continuing to talk about it and not holding it in. Maybe now that you crossed that bridge with your roommate, you could be more open with her, or at least not feel like you have to hold back tears if you feel like crying. Hopefully others will have some helpful advice here too.

Take care,

Rosie

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Permalink Reply by Liv on October 20, 2020 at 8:39am

Hey everyone.

I've had a lot of meetings with my professors lately and so far, I have seen both ends of the spectrum, so to speak. For one professor, it is the first thing she addresses (even though the life check-in is supposed to be toward the end of the meeting.) She says "Hi Liv. How have you been doing?... Just let me know if you need anything, or if I can do anything to make this easier on you..." I mean, I think it is really sweet of her to do so, but also what a stab to the heart, you know? I mean, on the off chance that I wasn't thinking about him, I am now.

Then there is my other professor. He didn't even ask how I was doing with all of this. He just went straight into talking about the assignment that we were supposed to be talking about. Here, I'm thinking, "we're not even going to address the elephant in the room? Don't you want to know why my essay was no where near as good as it should be?" Because he's gone, after being such a huge part of my life for so long, (but never long enough) that I can't breathe without him, that my world is no longer on it's axis.

I guess this just points out the fact that nothing will ever be the same again; that no matter what happens, it isn't right, or fair. Whether or not they mention him, it doesn't stop me from grieving his absence, and nothing anyone does can make a notable difference in my life right now. The only thing that will make this better is my dad, and he's not coming back. I just have to understand that, I guess.

Has anyone had a similar experience?

Which side to you prefer?

Them bringing it up, or avoiding it all together?

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