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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on November 8, 2014 at 4:57pm

so sorry nicole my dad 2 my mum me wev not bean rgt sisne he died its bean 2 yrs nealy 3 he died3.3.2012

i kp on hopin its a bad mistke i do im wrse nw im lk he mite cm bk nock on door say iv lost my keys u got wong body i no we did not coz we kissed him gd by in furell hme day dreset hi day bfre hes funrell day bfere he got cremated on his funrell but i still thng his abot 2 nock i do tn agaij he wz always palyng pranks on us lk nockng th we wud go  door thn no body thr 

sorry u must thn im sm nut er  but im not i miss my daddy 2 mush

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Permalink Reply by Jean on November 9, 2014 at 12:05am

I think the distance from your mother is the problem. The grandson is taking advantage of her. Just my opinion. I am sure she loves you but only has the dependent GS to care for. Always look out for your mother and be grateful you still have her. I miss my mother so very much.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 10, 2014 at 9:55pm

I am sorry your Dad died.

Regarding your Mom, all i can tell you is that everyone deals with grief differently.  My husband died, and now i have a very hard time spending any time with my parents, much as i love them. I have a hard time being with my sister and her husband too, but less so because they know my husband so well. I certainly don't want to spend time with anyone else.

Anyway, just because your Mom isn't spending a lot of time with you doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Sometimes it's harder to spend time with loved ones after a very close loved one dies, because it only makes it so much more clear that that loved one isn't physically there with you anymore.

And i don't know if it's this way for your Mom, but i can tell you that much as i love my sister, my brother-in-law, and my parents, they are not enough. They cannot make up for my missing husband, my soulmate, my love. (Nor should they, I'm just saying that my life has been destroyed because my husband died, and much as they love me there is literally nothing that my family can do to make that better.)

As for Gordon, i honestly think his behavior is mostly a non-issue. I'm sure it can be annoying, but that's not unusual for teenagers. Maybe he is focusing on the e-trade account because it helps take his mind off of his grandfather's death. Maybe it even makes him feel closer to his grandfather, since it was him (along with your Mom) who opened it for him. Regardless, he needs to live his life as he sees fit, of course with guidance from the adults in his life, rather than as you would prefer. He'll probably grow out of some of it, anyway. 

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Permalink Reply by Nicole on April 27, 2015 at 2:11pm

Thank you to those who replied. Maybe I didn't make clear how close this attachment between my mother and my nephew has become. He lives with her in her Arizona retirement community. To circumvent the rule against kids living there, she's considering making him the owner or co-owner of the property (he's 16).

 

Gordon struggles with school, so my mom now home-schools him. She lets him set his own hours, "as telecommuters do," but she doesn't require him to evidence any self-discipline to earn this privilege. She lets him sleep late, and then she wakes him up, cooks him breakfast, and lets him "check his stocks" until about 11:00, when she begins urging him to get started on his schoolwork.

 

Sight unseen, my mom bought a used car Gordon picked out for her on the internet, disregarding the purchasing advice my husband and I had offered (which in itself is fine—what bothers me is that she listened to a 16-year-old kid instead).  

 

Although she's just getting her feet wet, she also purchased a high-end laptop made by a company in which Gordon owns stock. She explained that she was fed up dealing with my dad's old computer. I have a lot of experience in this area, but she never asked me to help her. "Gordon said this was what I should get," she said, "and he knows how to use it." There's reason to believe that may not be the case, but I've stopped voicing my opinion, since it's obviously not welcome.

 

My mom and Gordon will be traveling together all summer. We're not talking about the beach, ballparks, and Mount Rushmore. We're talking art museums and historical sites—the same places my mom and dad enjoyed. Gordon is NEVER around people his own age. I don't think my dad would have approved of Gordon's being so isolated and having absolutely no responsibilities except studying when he feels like it. Through no fault of his own, Gordon has no friends whatsoever. When he lived at home, he had to ask permission just to go outside, and he was grounded (for imaginary infractions) more often than not. As a result of his adult-only companionship, he talks about little besides investing, real estate, and conservative politics. He seems so young for his age, yet he's never been interested in video games, sports, movies, girls (or boys), or any of the other things kids are into. He's not even interested in getting his driver's license. My mom bristled when my husband and I suggested a few months ago that his spending 10 hours a week bagging groceries or washing cars might teach him some valuable life skills and help him meet people his own age.

 

Gordon is very polite and kindhearted. When he's not talking about the aforementioned topics, he has a talent for listening and making others feel cared for. I often point that out to him as one of his strengths. I worry, though, that he sees himself as a victim, a role in which my mom encourages him. For example, she was very angry and Gordon very hurt when a relative (not me) recently got a cat, which would have triggered an asthma attack when Gordon was a child. He hasn't had an attack for years, though, and I'm not sure why he couldn't try taking an allergy pill and keeping the cat in a different room. 

 

Articles about grieving mention involvement with grandchildren as a positive way of focusing one's energy after losing a spouse. I feel like my family is the first ever to have had this problem, although I'm sure that can't be true. I don't want to be bitter or resentful or jealous of a nephew I love—one day my mother will be gone, too, and I worry that I'll regret my small mindedness. Before my dad died, I never questioned her unconditional love for me, and I felt that my parents' attention to Gordon was good for him. Should I try talking frankly with her, or just wait it out? Please help so I can handle this situation with more grace.

 

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Permalink Reply by kelly on April 29, 2015 at 8:32am

Sorry things have turned this way for you. People grieve differently and sometimes their responses just don't seem normal to us at all. I don't know the ins of your family but maybe you remind her of your father so much and she is just too scared to get too close to you. Some are afraid of losing someone else they love to death, they actually push them away.Your nephew may just be another outlet, maybe she feels that by putting everything she has in him it will keep her from thinking too much on her loss. Whatever it is, know that your father's death has to leave a tremendous void in her.You could take a trip and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Lay it all bare so she knows how she is making you feel. Maybe this will help her to tap into her feelings. Keep the faith. 

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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on May 1, 2015 at 6:08am

First: I am very sorry for your loss.

Second: I am curious about what your moms relationship with your dad was like. If your mom was very reliant on your dad (her husband) for her emotional health, then she may be relying on Gordon for the Male influence in her life. If this is the case she might be replacing certain losses she is feeling by emotionally (not intellectually) allowing Gordon to fill those voids. This way she feels safe when without Gordon she would feel vulnerable.

I have seen this with mothers and sons. When a divorce happens (or a death)the son seems to step into the role that the father now cannot fill.

The problem here is that neither those Sons, nor Gordon In this case, can really fulfill the needs that exist. All of a sudden the male child becomes the "head" of the household instead of being the child.

Here is what I would suggest. Love your mom. And love Gordon.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous. It does not brag, does not get puffed up,
does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury.
It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth.
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Think of this to. As long as nothing happens that can hurt your mom...she will be alright. The real damage is happening to Gordon. No ones fault. These things just happen. Gordon is learning behavior habits that will not help him in the future, but will hinder him as he develops future relationships.

If you address this issue with your mom...make sure that you are not accusatory. Discuss your feelings instead of your moms actions. Reason on your concerns for Gordon, not as a child but as a young man. Show honor and give dignity. Be kind and loving as you try to nudge healthy adjustments.

And don't forget that you to are mourning the loss of your father. When was the last time you cried with your mom because of your pain? When was the last time you and your mom spent just mom and daughter time together (without discussing Gordon)?

I am not suggesting that what I have said here is the absolute truth or fact about your situation. It is just something to think about. If even a small point can help you, then I am glad to help.

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