My loss has damaged me. R

Hello. My names Rachel. I have been a mess the past 4 years. I lost my brother and my mother within two months of each other. (They are not related, my brother and I have different moms, but the same dad) I was only 16 years old at the time, and it completely turned my whole world around.
On August 16, 2013 my 21 year old brother went to a party. He got very, very impaired and slipped in the pool. His friends said he was only in the water for maybe a minute and a half, but he had too much damage already. He was put in the ICU on machines. My father and I were there with him at the hospital until we decided to let him go. I'd never seen someone on all those machines, so to see my big brother laying there...lifeless, was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through.
My mother had quite the drug problem since I was a little girl. I knew she was still doing drugs, but she was my main support after my brother died. I sobbed to her day and night, she knew I was broken. I told her I couldn't lose her, too. I had a feeling she was gonna go soon. I was right. October 20th, 2013 my mother died while using drugs.
All of this hit me so hard. I didn't have time to grieve my brother, and now I have to grieve my mother at the same time? Everyone kept telling me I was so strong...I'm not strong, I'm just still living. The pain of losing my mom was very real, but in my heart I always knew this was going to happen, and so I had been preparing for it a lot of my life. This doesn't make it any better, of course.
Now, it's been some time since I've lost the both of them, but my brothers death haunts me to this day. I'm 20 now, going to be 21 on October 1st. I dread this birthday because I will be the same age as my BIG brother. It's surreal.
It's been 4 years and things in my head haven't gotten better, just worse. This is what I need help with. Every time I close my eyes, I see my brothers face in the hospital. I see the way his eyes opened slowly as he officially died, having the machines unplugged from him. I see him in the pool, I feel what he felt in the pool. I see him getting pulled out, and given CPR with no luck. Every. Damn. Time. These images haunt my soul. For a long time I felt that if I stopped crying or feeling these deep emotions, that it meant my love for him was dying too. I now know that's not the case. I know I will always love my brother and not time, or death will ever change that. But I need help moving on. I'm ready. I'm so ready to be normal again, and not have these thoughts. It's been so long. I hope that maybe sharing my story and hearing others stories may help be a first step.

Thank you for reading all of this if you did. This is my life. If you're going through anything similar, I hope you know you are not alone.

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Permalink Reply by Jean on July 25, 2017 at 11:56pm

Yes, those last images are hard to forget. I have lost just about everyone in my immediate family now. I was there for my older brother while he was dying and helped him out for over a year before he passed so we spent a good deal of time together. It was not sudden like you have experienced. My mother was my rock and I lost her 4 1/2 years ago. I was also her caregiver and we were together everyday all day until the end. Those images are hard to forget but I have learned to redirect my train of thought when my mind tries to show me the bad. I concentrate on all the good images. I have also written letters to my mother. We always wrote notes to each other my whole life. Writing down all of the good things will help. You might want to see someone that can help you. You may have PTSD like Evonne mentioned. I have been on anti depressants and anxiety meds for many years. My brother died 16.5 years ago and then on the eve of his death one year later his younger son decided to kill himself. So I know what back to back lose is like. Having to tell my mother about her grandson was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. All of that was going on during the 12 days of Christmas. Needless to say that is not an easy time for me. Everyone on TV happy blah blah blah. I just try to find peace. Best wishes to you. This grief is not something you get over, it is something we learn to live with and try to keep going on one day at a time. Time will help you move on with your life. Take good care of yourself. Helping others is a way to heal too.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 26, 2017 at 10:31am

hi

so sorry on yore loss/es i am it duz wec u damge u it duz 

i loss my dad in 2012 thn mashin he wz on still spooks me 2 day he died on 3.3 he did 

thn 2012 goz dnw hill it did a bad yr it seasm l evry yrs bean a ad 1 2 u cud say

i ni thes imsges can honet us thy do i try 2 go on thngs 2 tak my end of it if i feal it strdin2 spook me 

sprr sorry if say wong thns i am

Permalink Reply by MIchael Ortiz on August 14, 2017 at 12:57am

I get your feeling. I lost my wife as they work on her and beg her to fight. I hear your pain in your words. I now know this pain is like a bad friend. I see my wife face and her words to me. I felt so helpless. You are so young. I have seen death in many forms but nothing so personell and pain. You are very strong for your age and I got the other part were I am pretty much alone. I guess people think I am so strong and yet I show my weakness for once. I deal with everything alone. That means people in her life just gone and left me to pick up pieces I have no idea how to pick up. I do not even know what is important to them. Being older I hear strength from someone so young and I thought I could never be hurt.It happen I fell in love. I get your words because I am told I am at the journey of a long road. When I say my wife stop breathing I had to yell at EMT that her stomach stop moving. Maybe it was me but they seem like they did not care and where debating things as she was still alive. I will find the truth out soon. I did feel alone and still do.  I really hope life gives you that life. I have anger at people and found out people can be cowards and hide behind words. Your honesty help me. I am in limbo because I do not know yet. Will it make it better I hope a little. I need the truth. She was my one true love.I waited 40 years to get married. I thought love was for dummies. She got me. I wish you did not see so much so soon in your life. Its why I thought I could never be hurt. I thought I was damage and love had a expire date. Now I know better. Also your words made me feel like I known I am not insane now. 

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