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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on January 30, 2016 at 2:09am

Hi Sandra,

Something about your post touched me very much. I commend you for your bravery in working with a counselor and to bring up such deeply rooted hurt. It's sad you feel so responsible, guilty, and to have your own mother say you should be happy it was not your brother. But for it to be your husband was okay?? And to have this happen 30 years ago but feel like it was just yesterday ... wow ... I am so sorry for what you have lived with buried alive beneath the surface. Fuck those people who say it's been 30 years and get over yourself. How completely insensitive. What a tragedy all the way around to deal with and at only 17. 

This made me think of a story just recently I read in a book written by Elizabeth Kulber-Ross and David Kessler. I don't remember all the details but the jist was - a woman who was divorced and lived her life in anger, never getting over the relationship had become terminally ill and was going to die. That was the point she finally attended some kind of support group. She lived with the anger all her life and realized that was not something she wanted to take to the grave. That moved me.

You have carried this weight and burden sooo, sooo long. How tired you must be. The point you would feel strong enough to talk to your son, if you cry - it's OK. What if those tears allow him some kind of closure, healing that he needs? Coming from you, that may be a gift only you can give him. If he doesn't want to talk about it, that's OK too. If he knows that you're open to it, maybe when he feels strong enough he will reach out to you. It's okay to be scared, rational or irrational. Just keep working to find an approach you can feel okay with and when you get the strength, "go for broke" and see how he responds. Then go from there.  

I hope something I said was helpful in some way. I'm not sure all the words to say. I send you strength. Not to be strong but to allow yourself to crumble, to feel, to go to those very dark, scary, and painful places. I can't even imagine. 

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Permalink Reply by Sandra schultz on January 30, 2016 at 7:36pm

Rachel . This is first time in my life someone said fuck everyone else .thanks for that . And thanks for the supportive words .it makes me feel like someone really does care in the world about pepole feelings . To mmake this a little harder I have finally reached out to his family 8 siblings to say I'm sorry for there loss . Three down 5 to go . Even if I'm not guilty if anything other than it bring my family that took there son / brother . I feel like a sorry will help with there healing . Problem is I keep beating myself up saying to them if you need to curse , yell or hit me please do I don't feel like they deserve this pain . Nor does my som my my heart is broken . See he does not want to make me cry . It's so hard I don't feel strong . I still feel like running . So hurt so scared so insecure .

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Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on January 30, 2016 at 8:22pm

when I read your post, I felt deeply moved as well. Your words ring with sincerity and hold tremendous power. Please remember this, as you speak. You were a 17 year old young mother - have mercy, but that is hard enough, who was then unspeakably traumatized - and who put aside everything and went on. You are no ordinary person.

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Permalink Reply by Sandra schultz on January 30, 2016 at 8:58pm

Thanks no matter who I turned to they were looking for me to fill the void . The screams of his family the night I had to tell them straight from the hospital was unimaginable . His friends just tried to take advantage of me . I'm now speaking to the siblings after all these years trying to tell them step by step what happened as much as I know that it . I was at home with my baby sleeping when his Friend show up at 11:30 telling me what happened . I drop the baby off at his parents house told them what happens he had been shot . Not knowing at this point it was by my brother who did this. Until the police started questing me very rudely with no compassion what so ever considering my loss .

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Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on January 30, 2016 at 9:05pm

a waking nightmare.

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on January 31, 2016 at 5:07pm

i no dr told me wen my dad died in 2012 it cud tak yrs mnts or i mit nevr get over  i no i wll nevr get over i dnt thng a person can evr get over a loss

sorry fr yore loss no matr hw longr go it wz it still kills us evry day

wev all bean told dub thngs on hear qY WE SHUD FEAL

lk get over it its easy wot

or i let it happen wot

or foget abot thm thy dead so nasty

or im not bean fair 2 thr fealins 

on hear sandra i flt luv no 1 tells me way i feal evn on my low day iv had luv off evry 1 on hear iv sean so mush luv kindrs on hear evn thy r crying upset coz of loss 2 we holdd esh orth up on hear

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Permalink Reply by Sandra schultz on January 31, 2016 at 6:05pm

Yes pepole are terrible . It's not fair . What I can say is speaking to my sister in law has been helpfully she understand my loss it was her brother I never thought for one moment his family would be my guardian angels . Still have 5 sibling to talk to not sure they are all going to be as nice . And I understand they need to blame someone

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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on February 2, 2016 at 10:25pm

I'm glad something I said was helpful. I'm sure you still feel like running. What you are tackling is the grand canyon. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. No one deserved this pain - your husband's siblings, your son, or YOU. Reaching out to the siblings to say you're sorry for their loss and to fill in any info they need, I think, is a great start. And you're not saying sorry because you are in any way responsible (!) but sorry in sympathy. In case no one has said it to you, I am so, so very sorry for your loss as well, not to mention how the police disregarded any compassion the night it happened. So young, so many elements of loss and tragedy. I'm glad at least the one sister in law has been helpful. I hope you will find some compassion in the others as well. Continuing to send you strength.    

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