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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joe Kelly on
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Reading your posts, and many who post here, I think you're going to be joyously surprised when you pass over.
"The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should."
IT DOES. Don't let that go. Hold onto it with all your might!!!!
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Joe,
Thank you. I hope with everything in my soul that you are right about that, and I wish I shared your faith in that regard.
If you and I have already discussed this, I apologise for repeating myself (my memory is not what it once was, and my short-term memory was never great), but -- WHY do you believe in an afterlife where my husband and I will be reunited? I'm not being snarky or being a smart-ass, I am genuinely asking, because I am desperate.
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Bluebird,
I believe that every consciousness/spirit/soul is immortal. I, or no one in our limited dimensional world can prove that right or wrong. I can't prove my OBE either. All I can do is share it. Your original post appears as the first post on each page in this discussion. and the second paragraph expresses your hope for reuniting with your husband. That's my hope too being reunited with my wife but I'll quote myself from a post above "I won't know "beyond a doubt" until it happens though.". I just have to keep the faith that it will. I have nothing to lose because if it doesn't happen, I won't know it. And yes, at least the pain and suffering will be over. I know this doesn't answer your question but just want to encourage you and all our fellow sufferers to hold onto that hope for the tiniest bit of comfort it might supply. Joe
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Exactly If We are wrong we won’t know it, but we do know that we are energy (souls), basic physics says energy cannot be destroyed. Anything is better than existing here in this void!
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bluebird I can’t help but hold out hope in reading all these entries from people that some of them made it to the next realm. That is the reason we don’t hear from some anymore, because they passed on with with their loved ones.
I however am not gone yet and nor have you, but I know like someday there will be an opportunity I might be standing on top of the tall building on a tour or hiking with some people on a very high cliff and in that moment and in that time I’ll take my opportunity, it might be a year from now it might be a week it might be six months. I will keep my pain and longing inside till I find that opportunity then I will fly with my Karl like an eagle in the sky...I have NO doubt there is an afterlife, NO doubt there is God. Till then I will do good and try to earn my way. And keep my Karl close as he is always next to me!!
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That's great that you have no doubt about the existence of an afterlife. I doubt there's a god, but if there is one I'm not convinced it's a loving God, as it allowed my husband to die young(-ish) and one week after our wedding. As a result, I don't trust it not to try to keep me away from my husband if I kill myself. Do you not have that worry?
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If you focus on the light and the good, that’s is God! I have felt it, I don’t know anything about plans or why people get taken before others but I do know that wherever that next realm is I’m ready to go I am not afraid to leave this world not even a little bit!
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Maybe open yourself up, try to ride that love and passion I see in you. You loved your husband so deeply, focus on that. Maybe we are still here because we need to evolve a bit more or do something that God wants us to do.
looking back I feel you are angel who have helped so many of us broken people not feel like we are are crazy or too messed to be honest. You have posted words of truth and that gave people like me so much hope. I felt like I was no longer alone in my dark thoughts of pain and grief.
I dare say you have been a tool of God all along, leading the hopeless and broken without even knowing it. You helped me live one more day, each day.
you are and didn’t even know a child of God who helped many! That might have been your purpose all along.
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I do love my husband very deeply, and I want nothing more than to be with him again and forever.
Speaking for myself, I don't give a damn if god (if there is one) wants me to do something else. As far as I'm concerned, if there is a god at all, it lost any right to expect or want anything from me, when it allowed my husband to die. Now, I know everyone dies, and if he had died 30 or 40 years from now, I would not feel this way. I would have been sad and devastated because of his death, of course, but I would not have felt betrayed by god.
I am truly glad if anything I've written on this site has helped others feel a bit less messed up. I know that when my husband died and I first started desperately looking online for anything that could help, almost all the forums and posts I found were all about how to "move on" and how each person was on a "journey", and how time would help, and all the rest of the platitudes for which I have zero patience. If some people are able to proceed with their lives in a way that makes them happy, then that's good, genuinely. But there are also those of us who do not feel that way, and our experience is equally valid. The few posts I found on various websites that acknowledged this variety of experience were helpful to me, and I am glad if anything I've written has been helpful to others.
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Bluebird,
I so much ID with you, and some others here. I could had written your second paragraph. I absolutely refuse to let her go in any way, shape or form. As she died in my arms, we talked about being together forever someday. I basically told her that I'd never let her go and she won't wait long. It's too damned long for me as far as I'm concern being in my third year. I went to the cemetery (our permanent bed) every day since she was buried. I too scoured the internet to no avail (nobody knows $#it). The one thing I know is that my OBE was REAL. I was a separate from my body. Call it my consciousness, soul, spirit or whatever. That gives me the hope I'll never let go of. I am in agony every waking moment and since 3/21, they closed the cemetery, so here I sit, surrounded by her pictures and a slideshow going all day of our wonderful life together. I can't understand why am I still here? I have diagnosed COPD, MDS (sleeping leukemia), exposed to plenty of asbestos, benzine, and agent orange. I think I have cancer to boot as I smoked since age 11. What keeps me here? I want to scream and blame but don't know who to blame. Cancer was in her family. Her father died at 65. Her sister at 60. She at 67. She always appeared so healthy right up till she threw up one day. Sixty two days later she passed. WTF! She only outlived her mother by 3 years who died at 101 and smoked till she was 68. Her brother smokes and going strong at 73 right now. Yes the father usually passes down some defects to daughters and mothers to sons. She was a very, very light smoker. Always passed all her physicals, and women tests, colonoscopy, etc.
Yes, those who recover, in some way let them go. They can call it many things. Integrate it into your life and move on. I REFUSE TO DO THAT!!! My goal is to go to her no matter how long or how much I have to suffer. Reason to be here? For the most part, our children and grands have recovered. They now grieve my grief. While I am not considered wealthy, I can help them if they need it. But when I go, they'll get it all anyway and bring closure knowing that what both she and I wanted; to be together forever.
As far as God is concerned, something had to make all of this and seeing all the suffering in this world, let's it go as it goes. God doesn't kill. We do, along with all things in nature that affects our genes, organs. etc. I believe this new virus was man engineered. I'm hoping I get it. I do the shopping for food for one of my children working from home who can shelter in place. My son works from home and has his food delivered. He lucked out because they are not taking any more customers now. I have two nurses, one of which is treating critical infected patients. We're in the hot spot of the nation. The other who isn't is so much of a hot spot only about a hundred in her hospital, has stage 4 wild type melanoma. Three surgeries so far with half a lung removed who works in NICU. She probably won't have to treat covid patients because of that.
The only thing I can do is wait. Suffer this ongoing agony and wait. I know I'm babbling now so will close. IT'S FOREVER< NOT TILL DEATH DO US PART.
Joe
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I'm sorry you haven't been able to go to the cemetery because of the virus, and I understand that it helps you to go, but I'm sure you know that if there is an afterlife, you don't need to be at the cemetery in order to be near your wife. You are lucky/blessed that you believe in an afterlife, whether that belief comes from your OBE or you just have faith.
I don't know why some people get sick and die while others either don't get sick, or do get sick but still live long lives. It makes no sense to me, and what makes even less sense is that so often good people die young(ish) and bad people often get to live out their lives.
I agree that in some way spouses who move on with their lives disconnect somewhat from their dead spouses, but while that's not something I would ever do, I don't really blame them for it. I don't understand how or why they would do it -- I mean, I'm sure that it's necessary in order for them to "move on" with their lives. People do what they have to do, in order to survive. I get it, I just don't want or choose it.
I get what you mean about your kids and grandkids "grieving your grief". My family does that with/about me, too. They grieve for the loss of my husband themselves, as well, because they love him too, but they also grieve for me, because they know that my life has also ended, that I will never "move on" from this loss, that I don't want to be alive and haven't wanted to be alive since the moment my husband died. It makes me feel very guilty, but there is nothing I can do about it.
As I've said, for the most part I do not believe there is a god. If there is one, though, then I'm not saying god killed my husband, but I am saying that god didn't prevent it from happening, and it should have. Just as it should prevent children from being molested or killed, prevent people from being raped, etc. You said that our free will and things in nature affect our genes and our bodies, and that's true -- but if there's a god, that's only true because that god made it that way, so it is still to blame, as far as I'm concerned.
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