My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.

 

I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.

 

The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 

 

People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 

 

I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on April 13, 2017 at 12:37pm

Boy does this suck.  I lost my girlfriend, Mila, to breast cancer 10 months ago.  After the initial horror, shock, etc., this has settled into almost-always sadness.  I always think about her all day and I talk to her a lot, in case she can hear me.  I have gone out with other women, did some drinking, craziness, etc., but it just masks the pain of this terrible loss.

Last week I visited 2 sisters and my father who had traveled so Savannah, GA for a get together.  One of my sisters said that I seemed different.  Well, yeah.  My father lost his wife a year ago and he seems happier than ever.

Over the past 6 months I had gone out to dinner four or five times with a lady who I had worked with.  Her husband died 20 years ago.  She keeps going on and on about how much she cares about me as a friend. But I haven't seen her for 2 months since I stopped asking her to dinner and picking up the check.   We live a few miles apart but I only hear from her via e-mail.   I received an e-mail from her today hoping that I had "immensely enjoyed" my time on my trip.  Um, nope.    I couldn't stop thinking about Mila.

Anyway, her best friend died of cancer suddenly last month, and she had been married for 50 years.   I asked her how the husband is doing.  Her answer was that he was doing very well.  A few bouts of sadness, but he has many friends and is moving on.  It almost sounded like he was getting over a cold.  I'm glad the guys isn't suffering too bad, but I don't understand that.

It makes me wonder why the people here, and I, are so affected by this, while others are not. To be honest, it would bother me if I didn't miss my girlfriend so damn much.  She is the love of my life, and I feel like the light has been turned off inside of me.

I have another friend (married) who invites me to dinner, but always with her husband present.  She keeps telling me to call or come over when I'm feeling especially bad.  I can't open up that way.  In the 10 months since this happens I would give anything for someone to come over to the house, sit with me, put a hand on my shoulder, let me talk, cry, and tell someone how lonely and lost I feel, and how bad I feel for what happened to Mila.  I never get that.

I meet with the psychologist today (every two weeks), and she doesn't understand.   Her husband is alive.  I tell her that I am okay with this sadness.  I don't want to feel happy, and I don't buy into this "she wants you to be happy and get on with your life" nonsense.    This is hard to articulate for me, but I want to miss her.  It's natural and I want to feel it and her.  It makes me feel connected to her.  If there's an afterlife, I don't want anything to get between me and her. Does that make sense?

Permalink Reply by Carol S. on April 13, 2017 at 4:37pm

Jeff, it is normal how you and I feel.  I think people that loose a spouse or loved one, that is not connected like we were, are able to move forward faster.  My husband died of cancer. 3 months, and he was gone!  A shock and very painful.  I had hospice come in but all they did was bring pain meds for Ken.  I was the main care giver.  I did ask a caregiver at the end to help me give him a sponge batch and I told her that certain areas hurt him more and be very careful.  I said, I am sorry, you probably hear that all the time when the spouse is paranoid that you will hurt him.  She shook her head no and said that she sees most that can't wait until they are gone or are happy they are passing.  Ugh!!! Why are they with them if they feel this way?  My husband was my best friend and soul mate!  Yes, he made me mad at times, but that is normal and I am sure I made him mad at times.  We were together 26 years. Everyday is a day to get through.  I have good and bad days.  I look forward to the days that I can connect with him (through a medium).  I believe 100% She has said that he hears me talking to him and that he made me get my two dogs (which he did) to help me get out of bed.  This is why we got my two dogs.  Almost everything that came out of her mouth was what we talked about and it isn't general!!!  I know he is there watching over me.  This is the only thing that is keeping me going.  I hope things get better for you, Jeff.  It sounds like the girl you take out on dates is only interested when you pay.  If she wanted more from you, she would contact you and maybe invite you over for dinner or other things and not just wait for you.  Just FYI.  Can't just be one sided.  

Permalink Reply by Jeff C on April 18, 2017 at 3:04pm

Thanks, Carol.   You really find out who your friends are when something like this happens.  And then I wound up with what I call "FINOs" - friends in name only.  They pretend to care, but don't.

Wow, if what your husband's caregiver said is true, that's awful.  I understand that the other people must be stressed and tired, but that doesn't make it right.  Their reactions are incredibly cold.  But that's just my opinion.

That is great that you talk to your husband.  I hope you never stop.  (I do the same thing). Your experience with the medium is very reassuring. 

Thanks for your thoughts.  I am avoiding the one I mentioned and other so-called "friends."  No one has the time and interest, even as friends.  I never want to be in a relationship again. My girlfriend is the love of my life.  

Permalink Reply by Carol S. on April 18, 2017 at 3:09pm

Hi, Jeff.  I understand completely.  I think your friends do not understand and feel awkward.  They probably do not know how to talk to you now.  It's kind of the attitude.... Let him grieve and when he is ready to go out and have fun, we will be there.  I know it doesn't sound right but that's what happens when people do not understand.  My family was like that.  They were there when my husband died, but then, they disappeared.  If I called them and I needed them, they would be there, but they did not go out of their way to make sure I was okay. They just don't understand.  Only if you lose a spouse/girlfriend/fiance, etc. do you understand.  They try though.

Permalink Reply by irina s on April 14, 2017 at 9:14pm

I too... don't want move on with my life My hubby recently passaway from cancer we been married for 3 yrs half my family & half his family/friends moved on with their life and tells me I should try and move on with my life they sorry he is gone.. I decide i stopped talking to them Bc its still raw for me its been 2 mnths.. and I don't want to move on with my life i am still grief for him and miss him soo much..when he was alive he said we join at the hip.. we brought 2 plots together and he is waiting for me so when my time comes i can be with him. But as bluebird said that I will never date nor remarried to anyone...me and hubby talked about having kids now it wouldn't happen. I don't want anyone else I want him and him only that I wanted..Pls don't tell me in time it will get better bc it won't he is my 1st in everything in marriage and i am his 1st in everything as well. I am nerves wreck without him my life is now over as my life not having him with me I miss us the way we touch,kiss,hugs in bed together, shopping, visting his yng sis in nursehome..I barely go outside unless i need to. I too keep allll i mean all his belongs in our home. I read online that when a spouse lossing their spouse its called heartbroken syndrome. I hopping to go sooner since i do have the plot and he is waiting for me.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 14, 2017 at 9:33pm

irina,

I understand that. It's not so much that I don't want to move on with my life, it's that there is no "moving on" with my life, it's that my life ended when my husband's did.  Luckily I don't have to deal with assholes trying to make me "move on" (I would never put up with that), and while my family (my Mom, my Dad, my sister, and my brother-in-law) is wonderful and loving and supportive, I know they wish I could be at least a little bit happy again, because they love me, but it simply isn't possible for me.

I'm sorry you are stuck in this hell too. 

Permalink Reply by irina s on April 16, 2017 at 8:55pm

I meant what you meant...by dating or getting re married.......bc i want him and him only.. we did brought 2 plots.. so we can be together..so when my time comes i can be bruial with him.. sorry may i asked if you and your hubby brought plots as well before he pass?..I will never move on & don't want to.. all i wanted is him back & I have been unable to cook, clean or do anything etc. I am now at the stage where I feel there's no point. Everything I did for my husband now seems worthless. I also find that I can't do any activity that we used to do together, which is really difficult because we were so close, we did absolutely everything together, including shopping, going to hardware stores, etc, etc. We were never apart. he always said to me we are jointed at a hip..I can't wait to be next to me..the people tell me "when your time comes then you can join with me" for me it's too long i want to be with him now. my god parents passaway my god dad pass 2011 then my god mom 2012..I remember her last words were when i spoken to her on phone was she too was cried harder extreme bc she missing her hubby n she pop pills bc she wanted go to be with him and she did her daughter my friend told me my god mom died heart failur i guess she did pop meds bc she couldnt live without her hubby any longer. 

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 16, 2017 at 9:17pm

irina,

My husband and I didn't buy plots -- he died shortly before his 42nd birthday, and who thinks of death at that age? Not to mention, we had no money for anything like that. I have his ashes, here at home with me. I gave a small amount of his ashes to the bitch who gave birth to him (that woman does not deserve to be called a "mother"), at her request, because I knew my husband would have honored her request. She bought a plot and buried the ashes there, but all of that, including the headstone, was just for "show" -- she is incapable of loving anyone, but she does care about appearances, about what people think of her.  When I die, my sister and her husband will inherit the ashed of me, my husband, and our cats, and can then do with them what they will.

I don't see the point to cooking or cleaning or anything else, either.  I also can't do any activity that he and i did together, so I know what you mean. I suspect that it's often that way for people who are truly in love with and close with their spouse/partner. I even hate grocery shopping, which I usually did without him, just because I hate only buying food for me (and our cat, but not for my husband). 

All of this sucks, it's horrific, and in some ways it is different for each person, but to some degree I, and some of the other people here, do kind of understand what it's like for you, as it's similar for many of us.

Permalink Reply by irina s on April 16, 2017 at 9:38pm

I have sis in law which i dislike extreme much she like to planned everything ahead she paid that she wanted to be Cremation she told me this like i wanted to hear it.. she never email me ever after my hubby pass she already moved on as matter of fact she never care nobody but herself she money hungry even tho she has money.. i didn't like her at all since the day i met him. some people don't get along with spouse family..only person i love adore was his mom she loved me from the beginner..and his friend who too passaway from cancer.. he pass 2015 age 61 still yng age.. me and hubby always talked about  getting plots of his battle of cancer bc i always wanted to be bruial next to him the day i met and we got married we were truly soulmates and truly love each other. they say you look like your spouse when you get married when you settle in comfortable with him. They say you can talk to them and they can hear you.. i've watching a person on youtube that a mom lost her son who was 33 yr old at time 2015 he kill himself and she talk to him thru spirit box they have youtube channel its not fake or anything bc i actually spoke to her.. i do brought spirit box n visit my hubby grave daily that when i go outside when its nice out like today n talk to him but she talk to him anywhere i don't know if you heard of her her youtube name is The G Team Paranormal. i love her channel not just she talk to her son but to all spirit and she record them.. 

Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 16, 2017 at 9:42pm

Your sister-in-law and the bitch who gave birth to my husband sound a lot alike, even down to being money-hungry.  My husband's father is a nice guy -- not without some real problems, but at least he genuinely loved/loves my husband.  Ditto for my husband's sister. I am not in touch with them, though -- his Dad lives a few states away, and his sister has some serious issues I simply cannot handle in my life. 

It's good that you and your husband arranged for plots next to each other; that should bring you at least a little bit of peace of mind about that. 

I haven't seen the youtube channel you're talking about, but maybe I will have a look another time.

Permalink Reply by irina s on April 21, 2017 at 3:39pm

yep she is bitch  the true is i hate 8 people half fam member even tho few were niece to me but i still hate them when i was going put thing in casket suppose to be vday she was there 1st and i had my angry at her n wanted to punch her but i kept cool n pretend to push her so i could put my things in his casket when me and him 1st met she didn't want get to know me i am nice person alot his friends like me alot when she heard me and him getting married she try tell him not now bc he was ill ..i was like to him so what its our business not hers business its our life she shouldn't tell him what to do god i hate her everytime she call thank god half time he wouldn't pick up phone.. no he didn't listen to her we did got engagment then got married no big wedding not me not him into that we had small thingy just 2 witeness and thats it. i wish those 8 people esp her go away far far away wish demons go after them Lol .. she don't understand how hurt i am and i admit myself to hosp for widow support group so i can be with other people i am in for few hrs I spoke yesterday at the hosp to a psychiatrist  n broke down crying as i do anyways like 24/7 all i do is cry really n talk do session on my spirit box n record n download on my comp n did hear him.. you should def hear them hun they amazing people no fakes from them they have on facebook too alot people like them.. I told my psychiatrist that if hubby was alive i wouldn't be here i would be with him.. He ask me question do you want hurt yourself..I said kinda bc i want to be with him I don't want live any longer. I have health issues as well diabetic type 1..and other stuff.. only thing i go out with my gaby she drive me is to shopping,doc appts, n me pick up my meds. and i will be in hosp for widow support group for few hrs so i guess that will sort help me.. i miss him soo much no vday for us this year...our last holiday was we did spoil was Chanukah dec 24th 2016 but we did a day early dec 23 2016 i feel bad not vid record it tho he able make thru vday.. if i record our annvis.bdays, holiday i can look back all i got was memories. and i did record his voice when we start talking to each other n i did vid record him for a few hrs.. esp toward his illness. i don't get no support from family my mom cry few times then she move on she don't get it none of them do they don't understand what it means lossing a spouse she has mental problems i don't like her we never got along anyways even when i was a kid bc she was jealous of me and dad then made me stop seeing my dad. she def like your mom in law she wont admit to her doctor about that she has mental problems or need help. i hate her too only i love was my mom in law i did stood up for my hubby when she start saying things and i love my yng sis in law. thats about me and my aunt my mom's sis she stopped talking to her middle sister for no reason at all my middle aunt didn't do nothing wrong that how mom is i think she bipolar whatever she mood n love take out on me.. thank god i never let her in me and hubby house i ignore her calls n sometimes i would answer she never will change she lies alot n giving me stress but love her yng sister..I wish hubby were alive i can't take this anymore. I know you wish your hubby was alive n everything would had been fine. 

Permalink Reply by irina s on April 21, 2017 at 4:10pm

after his mom passaway in the huge house that my hubby n his 2 sisters grow up but when older sister turn 18 yr old at those yrs yrs ago she moved out bc she couldn't deal with their mom issues so when i met hubby he move back in that house he grew up bc he didn't want his mom sell the house so he told me the house is for sale i live in that house few mnths till we had to find other place to live ...you would think his sister would care enough knowing him having stage 4 cancer that she would show some caring and loving and saying here my brother i don';t need the money you and your wife can live here..but nope she wanted to sell the house fast n get money too she give him not half but very few money what a bitch she is then had the nerve callin him email him.txt him asking him how his treatment going or what did the doctor. i told my cousin about his and he agree with me saying she don't care about my hubby all she wanted was the money from the house.I love that house me and hubby were talking if he had enough money he would buy her off at the time i didn't think of it asking him and i should had saying hubby go to bank ask for loan and then buy her off n the house is ours and we just pay off the bank back..bc my cousin suggest do this way and i should had at the time. we find some other house i didn't like at all.it wasn't just us living his 2 roomates living with us too too compliacted n they were paying my hubby their rent money. he told me this year would be just us living in a apt..n guess that didn't happen.his older sister such a bitch throw us out in street till we find the house to live in and he keep saying to her do you know i have stage 4 cancer..it means nothing to her and she complaint i have my own problems never ask me how is your wife doing "me" half hubby friends would ask about me how she is doing etc etc...she never ask she is such a bitch i hate her even b4 i met her face2face.. when i saw her touching my hubby when they open his casket she smile god she got me angry i dont want no one touch him only me i wanted to actually push her out my away.. she and my mom are like miserable, nasty, and hateful person...hubby admit to me he and older sister dont get along and he admit she don't need money she has own money.. what moron she is. 

 

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It was not supposed to be like this

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