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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carol S. on
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The hurt will never go away and no one will ever know how deep the pain can be but our loved ones would want us to be happy and I know Ken would not want me to be in so much pain and grief as I have been. I am trying hard to remember the smiles and laughter and not the pain of cancer and the pain of losing my best friend. The holidays are hard but this year, I can actually get through the holidays and act civil instead of hiding and crying. I hope everyone on here has a Merry Christmas and isn't in so much pain!!!
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My dad died last year, and my mom feels generally the same as you've described... She believes he was her true soulmate, and she feels like she can't live without him. She spends everyday crying, easily irritated, hoping to die, wanting to be with him... It's difficult to comfort her. "i only want him," she says, "i don't want anything else." I don't want to lose her too.
If anyone can answer, how have you been trying to move on? How have you managed so far? (Not quite sure how to phrase the question)
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Seri,
It really depends on the person. I don't want to make you feel that there's no hope for your mom, because I don't know her, and I really don't know what this is or will be like for her. I can tell you that for me, my husband's death was the end of my life, too. There is no "moving on" for me; that is not something I would ever even attempt, because first of all it's not possible for me, and secondly it's not what I would want even if it were possible. That's not how it is for everyone, but it's how it is for some of us.
Other people on this site will likely be able to offer you more hopeful words, because not everyone feels as I do. There are people here (and on other sites) who do still want to live, who want to "move on", and maybe they will be able to be more helpful to you.
The only thing I can really suggest is that you tell your mom that you love her, and tell her that you don't want to lose her too. What actually happens after that is really up to her.
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Thank you for responding!
I'm glad to know that there are people who still have the will to live despite losing their loved one... It gives me a bit of hope that my mom will gradually find a desire to live as well... She's continued to say that after I've reached adulthood, she plans to die-- and I desperately hope that within these few years, her perspective on life will change. In the past year, she's made lots of new friends, and I've been really, really happy for her... I remember last year around this time, she locked herself up in the basement all day, her cries echoing faintly throughout the house. She's gone out the house more, and I think that it's already such a huge improvement... In one year, she's already taken gradual, tiny steps that she hasn't even noticed, and I hope that the next few years will only be even better.
Her new friends have been very helpful- one in particular who previously suffered from depression, because my mom feels that she can relate with her. No matter how mature or understanding the adults around me say I am, in the end, I'm just a child. Even if I say the exact same things as someone 10 years older than me, my message would be significantly less effective simply due to my age. And so I'm glad that her friends are there for her, and I hope they can influence her perspective on life too.
And to anyone who's reading this, if you are, what's influenced you to keep holding on? To keep living?
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I am on the grieving.com forum a lot, and noticed that someone else wrote this in the partners section:
"Yes, we lost the rest of our lives when they lost theirs. No one understands until they've met "the one" or they've had "the one" taken from them. These people were our past, present, and future. We don't mourn simply because we miss what we had. We mourn for the person no longer living in the present with us. We mourn for the future we planned with them.
We had years and years of our futures stripped from us."
I couldn't have put it better myself.
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I wanted to see if it's just me, or do you find the following two statements non-helpful?
1. "Grief is a journey." Sure doesn't feel that way to me. I picture a journey as something fun, knowing where you're going, and with a destination that we look forward to going to. This feels more like being adrift in a sea of sadness and hopelessness.
2. "He/she wouldn't want you to waste the rest of your life feeling sad and lonely." Well, I don't mean to sound harsh, but I don't think it's up to them. How the hell are we supposed to feel when we lose the person who we love more than anyone? This is just the way it works. This isn't like someone down the street dying. This is about the loss of our present and future with someone who means more to us than anyone else.
Not related, but I saw several posts from a guy named Andy who recently lost his wife. It's not easy to read, but he really articulates it so well.
http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/10367-want-to-share-my-...
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Permalink Reply by Michael on
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Jeff
Everything you say is how i feel. Some days i just cant move. I keep thinking she is coming back. It tortures me. Id prefer to die if i could go quickly and painlessly. All i can say is why me?
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Michael,
I hear you, and I'm sorry that you're going through this hell, too. There is nothing worse. You didn't deserve this, and neither did she.
I have mentioned this before, but the "Love Knows No Death" course has really helped me, and I am a total skeptic.
There is no easy way to deal with this.
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Jeff,
I agree with you; I do not find either of those two statements helpful, particularly the second one.
I suppose in some way grief could be viewed as a journey, but that really only applies when the grieving person is in some way moving through the grief. For me, for as long as I am forced to continue this now-wasted life, I will always reside within the grief, so there is no journey.
I will not put up with people telling me that my husband "wouldn't want me to waste the rest of my life feeling sad and lonely". Well, he died, so that's just how it fucking is, and if there is an afterlife where my husband exists, then he knows that. His death is the cause of my sadness and loneliness, and while I don't blame him at all, since he knows me so well he must know that I can never be happy again without him. My soul was torn from me, how the hell could I ever be happy? My future is gone, any possible children will now never exist, any tiny faith I had in the possibility of a loving god is gone, not to mention my financial situation is even worse now. And beyond all that, I know my husband better than anyone in the universe, so how fucking dare anyone try to tell me what he wants or doesn't want, or would want or wouldn't want?? I know him, they don't (at least not the way I do, not as completely or intimately, in an emotional sense).
Thank you for posting the link to the thread started by Andy, he does articulate this hell very well.
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In the time since I've been here I have now lost my mother. My life is an even bigger hell than it once was. I know it's a different loss than most of you (spouses) but I feel the same darkness and misery. My sister and mom were my everyday and the two people who knew me best and who I was most comfortable with. I'm still not working as I spent all my time with my ill mom who died and I feel like I had no time to grieve one and now here is another huge loss.
I spend days in pajamas and half the time can't even shower or brush my teeth. I spend days not even talking to anyone. Sometimes I wonder why even wake up. I used to have people tell me after losses to not feel sad because I'm still here and alive. Why do people say that? I don't give a shit that I'm still here. Here with what?? NOTHING AND NOBODY! Lucky me to be here all alone. My health has gone down and I feel like I'm becoming a hoarder. I haven't washed dishes in days. I don't even know how I will even function on a job anymore. It takes me days to get motivation to go out and do anything. I run my tv and iPad non stop for noise in the house. I fall asleep to it. What life is this? I really get all of you guys.
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