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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Tracie B. on
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I've been reading a book that been has been really helpful, for me, while dealing with all of this. It touched on getting signs from loved ones and what they had to say, is exactly how I feel about them :)
"These sightings or feelings may well be the deceased trying to comfort us, trying to get through somehow. When we try to rationalize and make sense of these experiences, we rob them of their magic. Just as we don't understand why these unexpected deaths occur, we must try not to over-analyze these moments - simply let them offer comfort."
(From the book: "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One" by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair)
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Permalink Reply by caroline hood on
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Hi bluebird I feel your pain my wonderful husband/soulmate/best friend passed away on 6th June 2013 I like you will grieve for him until the day I die I have to believe that we will be reunited again I only go through this nightmare for my children/grandchildren I wish you well and hope my story will help
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Thank you for your post, caroline. I hope you are right about being reunited; you are lucky if you have faith. I wish neither of us (none of us, really) were living in this hell.
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Your post broke my heart.
At the end of October, my dad died suddenly - while my mom was in the hospital - and I had to be the one to tell her that he passed away. I wasn't able to see her until the next day, so those 16 hours in between were the most excruciating, stressful hours of my life. My parents were married for 41 years and my dad did everything for my her- so I knew that with a few words, I was going to change her life forever and in turn, I felt like a little piece of me broke that day.
For those 16 hours, I just kept playing all different types of scenarios in my head, over and over again, and the one I kept comping back to was that she was just going to give up. He was her life and her soul mate and now that he was gone, what did she have left to live for? She also has a ton of health issues, so he was the one that took care of her, so I was so worried that she'd be so grief stricken and overwhelmed by the thought of living life without him that she'd forget that there *were* still people that loved her and needed her - like me. Thankfully, she didn't go in that direction and reacted much better than I expected, but reading what you wrote punched me in the gut - it was like seeing my biggest fear, for her, play out before my eyes with someone else. I may not know you, but knowing that you're going through that is truly heart-wrenching.
There's nothing I can say that will make you feel any differently, but I just felt like I needed to relay this story to you. My hope is that at some point things may get better for you - I know now they feel like they won't - but given time, you never know how things may turn out.
One thing that's helped me, so far, is to think about my dad and wonder how he'd want me to live my life. Maybe thinking about your husband and how he'd want you to live yours may help?
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Hi Tracie. It breaks my heart too, what has happened to my husband and what my life has become.
I'm sorry about the death of your dad, and the fact that you had to be the person to break the news to your mom, but it's good that your mother handled it better than you thought she would. Had I been in your situation, I would have been worried about her reaction, too. Thank you for sharing your story.
Maybe your mom has reacted differently than I have because they had so much more time together? You said they were married for 41 years; my husband and I were together for almost 13 years, and married for one week. That just isn't anywhere near enough time, and specifically the timing of him dying one week after our wedding is just horrible. We didn't even get much of a chance to enjoy being married, we didn't get to have a honeymoon, we didn't get the chance to grow old together -- all things we should have been able to do.
My life will never get any better. I don't even want it to continue, I just want it to end. I fervently hope that there is an afterlife so that I can be with my husband in that afterlife, but even if there is nothing I still want my life to end -- I would prefer nonexistence to this pain. I know that my husband doesn't/wouldn't want me to feel this way or live this way, but I cannot be any other way.
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I'm sorry your grandma died, and I hope you are able to find some peace soon. I understand about going out being painful. Everything is painful, when a loved one dies. If I could, I would never leave the apt. my husband and I shared -- if I didn't have to work just to pay bills, I would never go out aside from going to the grocery store and occasionally to my sister's house (she lives less than ten minutes away from me).
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I don't know if it's odd to respond to one's own post, but that's what I'm doing. The anniversary of when my husband and I became a couple, our anniversary, is New Year's Eve (our first New Year's Eve together, when we officially became a couple, was in 2000). As I said in my initial post, he died one week after our wedding, so we never got to have a wedding anniversary together.
So now New Year's Eve is coming up, and I just want to die and be with my husband -- nothing new there, but it is intensified because of our anniversary. He should be WITH me for it, not dead. I am going to have a breakdown any minute now, I swear I am. I keep trying to will myself to die, which hasn't worked so far but I'm sure it will eventually, if I don't die of something else first.
I'm just posting this because I feel like hell, I literally am in hell, and I don't deserve it, and my husband doesn't deserve to have died, and I fucking hate god and existence and everything.
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Permalink Reply by CJ on
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Bluebird,
It is you and your husband's anniversary here where I live, it is 11:09 on New Year's Eve. I can't imagine how difficult this time must be for you. I lost the love of my life 2 months ago to a sudden heart attack and I am completely devastated, like you. I haven't experienced an anniversary without him yet, but I can't even think that far. I know what you mean about wanting to die, to just be with him again. I have often felt like I would rather it be that way for me too. Living without him does not feel like living. It was him that gave me life. The 12 years I spent with him was the most alive I have ever been, now he is gone and I feel lost. I feel like there could never be anyone that I could attach to or trust or desire or want to be with or laugh with or tell my stories to or cry with than with him. I can relate with you on those feelings and I wish there was a way to take those painful feelings away from you, but what I can offer is a listening ear and an understanding heart.
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Last New Year's Eve I took a sleeping pill, so that I could sleep right through it. I considered doing that this year as well, but ended up just falling asleep anyway.
Every day is hard, every night is hard, but anniversaries are harder. Our "couples" anniversary, our wedding anniversary, birthdays, the day he died, all of it. Life without my husband is not living, it's not really even existing, it is like being damned to hell and I neither want nor deserve it. When my husband was with me, every little thing was fun, even if we were doing nothing it was fun. Now nothing brings me joy. I know what you mean about there never being anyone to trust or laugh with, etc. I love my family, but it's not the same. My husband is my HEART, and my heart was torn from me the moment he died. I appreciate you listening, it's very kind of you, but honestly nothing helps. I hope it is or gets better for you.
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Permalink Reply by Jacqueline on
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Hi bluebird.
When i read story about your feelings i thought i could have written this myself. My husband died on October 12 , 2013 after being ill for 1 year and 10 months. After he died i lost my best fried off 26 years.[married for 23 years] .when time passes i feel worse and worse because i miss him more and more every day.
I now think that my live has no meaning any more and i want to die as soon as possible so i can be with him.what keeps me going is thinking about what my husband wanted for me but it still is very difficult. I also would never find another partner because my husband was and always will be my only one. I will never ever stop loving him.
I can't imagine how it is to loose your husband after being married for one week.And also loose him so sudden and unexpectedly.
I hope you survived the difficult newyears eve.i though that i would have a rough new year but yours must be even more bad than mine .i did survive but don't ask how:-(
I will keep going in the year 2014 because that is what my husband wished i would do.i hope you can find something in your live to keep going for also.
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Hi Jacqueline. I'm sorry your husband died. I feel worse and worse as time goes on, too -- i don't want time to go on, at least not for me. Like you, my life has no meaning and i want to die as soon as possible, even though i don't know if there's an afterlife. if there is an afterlife i will be with my love, and if there isn't at least i will cease to exist and will no longer be in anguish missing him. him having died one week after our wedding is just a big "fuck you" from god or the universe or whatever, one which neither my husband nor i deserve. there will never be anyone else in my life, the very idea disgusts me. I am MARRIED.
i can't just keep going by thinking about what my husband would want for me. i know he would want me to be happy, but he also knows me intimately and so he knows that i cannot be happy when i am here and he is not. i will never again be happy while i am alive, nor find anything to keep going for -- that's just how it is, and honestly i don't even want it to be otherwise. i am just DONE with this fucking life, i really am.
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Permalink Reply by Djpebbles on
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Bluebird, all i can say is ditto. Lost my soul mate of 18 years (husband of 13 years) in july 2012.
I am so lonely without him. And at the same time i am going through the empty nest crap. Our 2 daughters are off to college leaving me all ny myself in our home. Going from a busy family of 4 to all by my lonesome self has not been good to me.
My husband was diagnosed with a primary brain tumor (cancer) 5 months before he died. I was very fortunate that i was able to stay home with him for those last 5 months- but after he died, of course, i felt like i really am done here in this world. I have no desire to do anything & barely leave the house. It's pathetic, but i just have no "drive" to do anything. I hate being alone, but i also hate being around people. My husband knew me & was the only one who "got me" and knew how to be with me. All the years we spent in training had worked & our relationship was just easy. And reliable. And trusting. And comfortable. And complete.
I completely understand your feeling like you want to die. I also am not religious- perhaps just ignorant- my folks didn't do the church thing so i really just don't know much about it. Don't know if I'd believe it all anyway (the bible).
I can't believe it's now been nearly 2 years he's been gone. His truck is still in thw driveway loaded with his tools, his shoes are still under the bed & his clothes are still in his dresser & the closet. Nothing has moved. Maybe i need to di something about that. Surely it couln't hurt! Keeping it the same hasn't helpes me any, so i guess changing that wil either help me move along, or maybe not. Worth a shot i guess.
Although i feel basically the same as you about the waste of living any longer, i just accept the fact that i have no choice. Taking my own life would hurt so many people (family) and i don't want to create problems (emotionally-speaking) for amybody else. I wpuldn't wish the pain i am suffering on anybody in my life, whether we are very close or not. So i have no choice but to be lonely and sad and grumpy and annoyed all the time. I hate the way i am- so unhappy. And the bullshit smiles i find mtself faking for people when i am around them really irritate me. Cuz like everyone should know i am not doing fine, so don't ask me casually how i am. And don't tell me crap i don't care about because it just makes me wish i had something to care about in my life. Or something to look forward to. All those years of living, sharing, working, playing & growing together now seem like just wasted time. We lived our lives together @ did so much! And i am now alone with all the memories. And my memory isn't so great- so a lot of things we shared are already erased and never to be reflected upon again. Feels like wasted time was spent. And the memories i do have will now only be one-sided. Only mu memories with only my point of view attached to them. What's the point? It sucks. The one person who shared all these experiences with me is long gone and it sucks. Because there is no reason or desire to bring them up. There's no longer anyone who gets my "been there, done that" perspective. It's only me with that and nobody else really cares to hear about it.
Sad sad sad.
But back to the point i was getting to- i have been wishing and hoping that i will soon be excused from the rest of my life every day since my husband's passing. But because i am unwilling to hurt any of the people in my life, i am powerless. I have no option but to live out The time i have, no matter how miserable, unhappy and lonely i feel.
I just wish something would fall from the sky & flatten me. That's about all i can do. Wish.
If i can do this you can too! Just fake it. Don't do anything selfish! Keep living for now.
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