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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mirek Ptak on
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Thank you .Past 5 years we were together all the time as we work from our home and she was getting more sick, we went everywhere together. We became one A lot of friends and family members keep telling me it will get better with time...
I can not see how... I feel like both of us died
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I feel the same way. I died when my husband died.
For some people it does get better, apparently. I am not one of those people. I hope that you are.
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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It just keeps getting worse, it's been 110 days today, I am sick to death of people telling me Russ would want me to be happy and get on with life. How the hell would they know what Russ would want he knew I could not live without him and as soon as everything is sorted I am going to be with him. My eldest son lives with me and I have to make sure that my 2 other sons who are both married to the bitches from hell don't get their hands on our house it has to be set up in my eldest sons name otherwise they will make him sell it and put him out on the street, my daughter is lovely she will take care of him and she is happy for him to have the house, I know that they will both miss me but they know it is impossible for me to live without their Dad.
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It is ridiculous when people say shit like that (that your dead loved one "would want" you to be happy, etc.). YOU know what he would or does want better than anyone else, just as I know what my husband would or does want better than anyone else. And while I know that my husband would/does want me to be happy, I also know that he knows that is not possible for me while I am stuck in this "life" without him.
I'm sorry your two sons and their wives are jerks. It's wise of you to set things up so that your eldest son and daughter will have the house and I assume control of whatever money there is.
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Been suggested I might benefit seeing a counsellor again someone who doesn't know me or my husband and has not suffered the loss we all have, it is a comfort to come on this site and talk to all of you who are going through the same pain and agony , my love and thoughts are with all of you. XXX
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Today is a very bad day don't think I can last much longer
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I feel for you, and am sorry you are going through this, too. We all have those days. It's kind of a roller coaster. This whole thing just sucks.
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I feel the same way Pamela. It's been a year since my husband passed and it's like being in a constant nightmare ever since but unfortunately it is reality and I won't wake up. The last couple of days have been extremely hard for me and I have been feeling like I often do that I cannot take this much longer either. At least you do have your husband's children. I wish I had my sweet husband's children but I was not able to have any succesful pregnancies over the 23 years we were married, another thing that hurts me constantly. Just know that you are not alone and as you said it helps to know others are feeling the same way, it helps me too and I come on here when I am feeling desperate and hopeless (well more than usual). My heart aches all the time and my husband is in my mind constantly as if a movie is playing back in my head of everything we ever did and said to each other, good and bad. I hope everyone going through this will find strength somehow, someway.
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One of my sisters sent me this today. It actually made me sad. There is more to the quote than this, but this is how it starts. She meant well, but to me this exemplifies one of the differences between people who have lost the love of their lives and those who have not. I couldn't imagine how someone who has lost everything could ever say this. The past is all we have. Am I gonna hold onto it? Yup! With everything I have. Is it wrong? Maybe, but I am not letting it go.
"Let the Past Slip Away"
"Gently, lovingly, leave past moments behind. You can’t lose love. You don’t need to hang on so tightly. If the lesson has been learned, if it’s time to move on, let the past slip away. Come into the present moment. Discover all that’s there for you."
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Jeff, Couldn't agree more with your feelings towards how those who have never had the relationship we had with our spouses much less have that torn away from them somehow thinking we are just supposed to pick up and move on. I've given up trying to explain anymore. I've given up a lot of things I used to think were important. Now I just go from hour to hour and hope for the worst. I am tired of keeping afloat and tired of living without my love but it seems as though the universe has other plans and is giving me no choice but to muster. Damn it anyway.
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