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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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Alice, " But underneath lurks the place I always sink back to, to the honest feeling that my life is forever ruined now. And I can't even slip out of it, it's not in my power, it's not my right. I must stay here out of duty and love for others, not out of the love of life I think I used to have. Sometimes that is so excruciatingly painful, and goes on being so, that agony in my chest."
You said it exactly for me. My heart used to ache and ache, it felt like I had a sword pierced straight through, it still does at times. I agree, one cannot just slip out of it. You wake up everyday, in the same fucking nightmare. On and on it goes.
It is a one step at a time journey. For me, it still at times an hour by hour journey. Hugs to you.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Alice,
See, I don't think you do need to act as though you're ok out of duty and love for others. I suppose I'm just a much more selfish person now than I used to be, but while I try not to constantly talk, while with my family, about how much I hate life now and want to die, it does still come out sometimes. And around anyone else, I don't give a fuck at all. It isn't my job to protect them from what this hell is really like. This shit is horrible, period, and I'm not going to make it even harder on myself by pretending it isn't.
Anyway, I'm glad that hearing other people be honest about how they feel is somewhat helpful to you.
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Thanks Alice.
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Alice,
I see what you mean, about not jumping off a cliff because of your duty and love for others. In that respect, I'm the same. There are three reasons why I have not yet killed myself: (1) because if there is an afterlife and/or a god, I am not sure if killing myself would prevent me from being with my husband -- it shouldn't, in my opinion, but if there is a god then it's a bastard as far as i'm concerned, and I wouldn't put it past that god to try to keep me away from my husband because of my suicide; (2) it would devastate my family; (3) our cat needs me to take care of him (he is healthy, but kind of bipolar, literally....no one else in my family could take him in, due to various reasons, and if taken to a shelter he would likely be killed).
I hope, for his sake, that our cat lives a long and healthy life. Once his life is over, though, that barrier to suicide will be gone. I will never adopt another pet, because I do not want anyone (human or animal) to depend on me, since I might not stay. I honestly don't know if I will ever kill myself. I know I wish I were dead, and have done every day since the day my husband died.
I appreciate your kind words, but I do believe I am selfish now. I just can't be bothered to really care. I hope my family members (including pets) have good lives, but other than that I don't care about anything in this life. I am pissed that my life is over, but it is over. Now I just want it to actually end.
I think it's good that you are honest about your feelings with your friends and family, with the people that do know how despairing you are. I don't remember if you already do this or not, but some people find that a grief group or therapist helps them. It's not for me, but maybe it's something you might want to consider?
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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on
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Bluebird,
I feel just like you. I feel selfish and I have also get angry and agitated faster than I ever did. I can't be bothered to care anymore either. That's why I had to get off social media, I really don't give a shit about all the stuff I used to care about, which makes me angry because, as you also stated--"I am pissed that my life is over". I feel the same. I had to cut out things in my life I enjoyed because I have no one to enjoy them with anymore and there is no genuine fun doing a lot of it alone. I used to love Facebook and Instagram, but not anymore.
I feel pissed off that everyone I know can go on with their every day lives, planning fun weekends, looking forward to holidays, the summer, happy evenings with their family. I'm fucking pissed off I don't have that anymore. On another forum I had a few people try to analyze my anger. There is nothing to analyze. I'm pissed and hate life and hate that my sister is gone and hate what this grief has done to me. My old self is gone for good and I hate that I lost myself. I feel like screaming in rage on a daily basis.
I see a therapist, but that was because I so desperately needed to talk to SOMEONE about my grief and literally had no one to talk to. I also hate I need a grief counselor. Instead of planning a fun evening watching movies and laughing with my sister, I'm going to a grief counselor session. Yes, I'm fucking angry about that.
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HollowHeart,
You said "I'm pissed and hate life and hate that my sister is gone and hate what this grief has done to me. My old self is gone for good and I hate that I lost myself. I feel like screaming in rage on a daily basis."
Exactly so.
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Alice,
I liked what you said about people not being able to hande seeing how devastating grief is. Very true, and I think if I went really on the way I feel people would worry about me. But it's nothing but honesty. I feel like dying sometimes, I don't care if I live to old age, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in the future--or even on a day to day basis. I hate my job and I spend any free time trying to be distracted from my thoughts and loneliness. I've become a TV Whore. Great life, huh?
It's just nice to hear the reality of grief. Sometimes I don't care about "hope" My life is a big fat negative now and I stuff like writing to my loved one and putting together a photo collage is just bullshit to me, I'm sorry. But I do hope you guys have some moments good moments in the day. Mine are fleeting. It's just nice that when my pissed mood comes back, I know other people understand.
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Hollowheart
what you said 'I spend any free time trying to be distracted from my thoughts and loneliness. I've become. TV whore. Great life huh'. This is exactly how my life is.
The only hope I have for me is to go to my grave as soon as possible. For loved ones, I hope they have good and happy lives and that they NEVER have to feel like this.
When asked how I am I can only say 'oh you know' or 'OK' or 'some days aren't as bad as others'. I can never say I've had a good day or few days. But others don't understand do they? Unless of course they've felt deep unending grief like many of you on this site.
Mostly I don't care anymore that they don't understand but if anyone tries to be upbeat, then I am upset - mostly because this is how I am, and have been for almost 3 years and don't envisage this changing.
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Pam, I answer the same when when someone asks me how I am. I used to honestly be able to say "great" or "It's a good day today." I feel like I just exist from one day to the next. My house is a pigsty, I can't do any basic housework anymore, haven't vacuumed in weeks. I mean, I just do the essential basics and I hate that I'm like that. I used to get bursts of productivity to organize and decorate. It all feels useless now.
My friends have abandoned me and basically I don't care anymore. I started thinking that I have bigger problems than if they decide to remember me or not. I feel very resentful and angry over that, over everything basically. I have some good days but they are short lived. I'm just tired of having no purpose in life. At least I had things we looked forward to doing together, now I'm just drifting through everyday.
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I'm so sorry you feel abandoned - but please know I feel just like that too. Just existing is horrible isn't it?
I used to keep a lovely clean home - both me and my husband loved it......but now, I can't get past "what's the point? He's not here". And not having him here to share things, occasions, or anything makes everything so pointless. I can't get past that....the pointlessness of being here without him.
I do wish things were different. But they're not. This IS how it is now. If God is listening, then I hope and pray that I can go to my grave soon - like tonight.
I am sorry you feel so bad, and I wish there was something I could say/write to give some comfort.....but honestly, I can't. Life without our beloved ones is so very painful and I can't see a reason or purpose in it.
But for now...hugs to you xx
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Pam, thanks. I just appreciate the reply. It's just good to talk to someone every now and then. I feel the same way about the "pointlessness." I have no one to do anything with so life feels so pointless and boring. All I do is try to find something to do alone. What a life.
I get tired of have no plans, nothing to look forward too. It makes for a very boring, horrible life. People suggest volunteering and such. I know what they are saying, but it takes time and energy to make friends and get to know people. This life just sucks now.
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