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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Judy, I'm sorry you are in this hell too.
There are two reasons why I have not yet killed myself. I promised my family that I wouldn't, though I really doubt I will always keep that promise. Also, while I don't believe there is a god, I could be wrong about that, and if there is one then it's a cruel bastard as far as I'm concerned, and I wouldn't put it past it to try to keep me apart from my husband after death (if there is an afterlife) if I kill myself.
I need to stay alive for as long as our cat is alive, as I love him and he needs me. After that, if I don't die fairly quickly of natural causes, which would be my preference, I will likely take care of it myself.
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Permalink Reply by Jean on
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My husband and I have been together for 35 years. He had blood work done from a hematologist to rule out scary blood problems a week ago. My mother died from Aplastic Anemia. The thought of losing him to another blood disorder has me freaked out . My mother was my rock and left me in charge of our family. We do not have an ordinary family so things get stressful when I least expect it. He is my rock now and he knows if something happens to him I will be lost. Back down the rabbit hole. He has a friend that is supposed to be my "keeper". Whatever happens nobody will dictate what I do. I will drive away.
This coming week is going to be a real bitch. I feel your pain in a different way because all of the family that I have lost I was there trying to help. I feel like a complete failure. I did everything I could and there were no survivors. I guess you at least do not have to second guess everything you did to try to save your man.
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I hope your husband is ok. Have you received the results from the bloodwork yet?
I'm not sure what you mean by your family not being an ordinary family; feel free to elaborate if you want to, but you don't have to if you'd rather not. In any case, I understand about things getting stressful. My Mom has been having some health problems, and my sister & I have been taking her to doctors appointments and all the associated stuff, and it's quite stressful.
You shouldn't feel like a failure -- if you did everything you could, then you did your best and that's all you could have done. I do second guess myself about my husband; rather, I do blame myself, in part, for his death, because I didn't make him go to a doctor for a physical. Like many men, he didn't like to go to doctors, but his father has serious heart problems and I should have somehow made him go. For the most part I don't blame myself, as there were many other factors, but I do feel some blame (though I know he wouldn't/doesn't blame me at all).
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Permalink Reply by James Quinn on
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I know how you feel I Feel the same way My soul-mate Passed away sept the 13 2014 very fast from bladder cancer I don't want to live without her ,I to promised not to end my life as I do not want to hurt family But I long to die every night I wish not to wake I am antidepressants have been for nearly a year .All I want is to join My most beautiful love My heart is broken My soul longs for its mate I am just waiting and hope I will not be here long
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Permalink Reply by JessiFox on
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So sorry James :(. I know it's not a huge help or difference but you are at least among people who understand and share those feelings here. I too hope that none of us who truly just want to join our soulmates will have to spend too long here.
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It has been said that FUCKING ASSHOLE SCAMMERS LIKE YOU NEED TO GET A FUCKING LIFE AND STAY AWAY FROM SITES WHERE PEOPLE ARE IN MOURNING, YOU FUCKING SCUM!
You have no lover, there is no such thing as "spells", and NO ONE here is going to buy into your "witch doctor" spellcaster crap, so fuck off back to the little internet café in Nigeria from which you post your bullshit, and stay there.
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Isn't there an administrator on this site that monitors garbage like this?
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Margo,
For quite a while, the admin did nothing about the spam. Lately, they seem to be more on top of it, as we haven't seen that shit going on here lately. Thankfully.
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MATHALUKES,
NO, HE DIDN'T. YOU DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND. SPELLCASTERS DON'T EXIST -- JUST DELUDED IDIOTS WHO THINK OTHERS WILL BE TAKEN IN BY THAT SHIT. DR LAWRENCE, IF HE EXISTS AT ALL, IS NOTHING MORE THAN A SCAMMER LIKE YOU. YOU ARE A PITIFUL PIECE OF SHIT WHO HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO SHILL FOR SOME THIRD-WORLD SCAMMER, BUT PEOPLE HERE WON'T FALL FOR YOUR BULLSHIT. SERIOUSLY, WHY DO YOU EVEN TRY? 99% OF PEOPLE WON'T FALL FOR YOUR CRAP, AND AS FOR THE POOR 1% WHO DO -- WELL, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT IF THERE IS A GOD OR AN AFTERLIFE, YOUR SCAMMING WAYS WILL BE LOOKED UPON KINDLY THERE? WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA OR JUDGMENT OR WHATEVER, WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS WRONG, AND WILL BE TREATED AS SUCH.
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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hears 1 coz we all r
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u can pt thes on frums u r on blu i dnt mnd i gt thm of tubler i did
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