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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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How strange -- going to flea markets and such, looking for antiques and vintage items, was something that my husband and I did together, as well. I had enjoyed doing that for years before I met my husband, and it turned out that it was a common interest for us, but now I can't even do it because he is not here to do it with me and so it brings nothing but pain (like everything else). I have an online shop where I sell vintage items, and my husband and I used to go to the flea markets to buy stuff both for our own apt. and for the online shop, but now I am really just trying to sell off the stuff in the shop, as I don't want to do it anymore, and never will again.
As you said about you and your husband, my husband and I are and always will be connected souls, and we will love each other forever. Like you, I do not ever want another man -- the very idea is disgusting to me. My husband and I are married, and his death does not change that. I have never been with anyone else -- never dated anyone else, never loved anyone else, never had sex with anyone else -- and I never will. If some other people want to find another spouse/partner after the death of their spouse/partner, then that's up to them -- I don't understand it, but it's none of my business, they can do what they want with their lives. My life, however, is nothing more than a countdown until death, when hopefully I will be with my soulmate again (and if there is nothing after death, then at least I will cease to exist and this anguish will stop -- that would still be preferable to this life without my husband).
I totally understand when you say "I will never lay down at night and feel content again, I will never wake up and feel happy about what the day will bring again." That is absolutely true for me, too.
I just read your profile, and read about what happened with your husband. I am so sorry. Not that it will bring him back, but have you considered filing a lawsuit against the hospital/doctors? If they were truly negligent, then they should pay for it, and at least you would have some financial security (I don't know if you do already or not, but it couldn't hurt anyway). My situation was different -- we did not know that my husband had any serious health issues, though I do wish I had forced him to get a physical, because his Dad has serious heart problems and my husband evidently did as well, since he died of a sudden, massive heart attack literally one week after our wedding, and he was only 40 years old. I will always feel guilty for not making him see a doctor (just in general, since we didn't actually know he had a heart problem), even though I know he is stubborn and would always push away the idea when I tried.
This is a good place to vent about your grief and sadness and anger, because pretty much everyone here understands at least somewhat how you feel, and no one here expects everything to be pretty and nice and "fine". People who aren't in this hell don't understand that now we exist in what is literally a different world, that the old world is just some sort of mirage to us now.
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Permalink Reply by Judy H on
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Thank you Blue Bird. I had read about your husband too and I am so very sorry for you and him as well and he was very young too. My husband was only 47 and neither of them deserved what they got. I am going to talk to an attorney, I just have not been up to it yet, but I will get justice for my sweet husband because you are right, they DO need to be held accountable for what they did. Be glad that at least your husband did not suffer a long time. Mine was in the hospital intubated for five weeks and he did not even NEED to be intubated but the assholes would not take the tube out and I had no voice in anything because they refused to transfer him. It was like once he was there he was a hostage and sure I could have taken him off of dialysis and the anti seizure meds and taken him home, but or driven him to another hospital, but he was so, so weak and sick from that dumb bitch dr. making him go into seizures with that pill and the failed kidneys that I was terrified he would die before I could get him somewhere else. They also kept telling me he may "choke to death" if he could not protect his airway because he was so overly sleepy, but of COURSE he was, he was on so many drugs with an already failing liver. I despise those people and I will make their life hell LEGALLY for what they did. I am not a crazy person that would ever use violence, but I will hit them where it hurts the most and that is financially. That is all they care about is money and I know my husband was treated like dirt because he did not have insurance to pay the greedy bastards. He could have gotten a liver transplant but they would not "allow" him to because he now had "comorbidities" meaning the head trauma that was exasberated by their idiot dr....funny isn't it that the first line of the dr's. oath is "First, cause no harm", but that is ALL they did to my poor husband.
I am definitely not financially secure, I work as an accountant but when I lost my good job making almost double what I make now, we lost all of our insurance and we had no life insurance. I could have continued the life insurance on my own, but stupid ass me did'nt because I felt it would jinx us as if I was expecting one of us to croak so I did not keep it. The only way he was given a decent burial was that his mom had paid for a plot and burial insurance years ago thank goodness. I actually need to start getting ready for work now, but take care and talk to you soon. I suppose everyday we get through with this hell is some sort of accomplishment, but like you I just wish I could be removed from this earth. It is empty and sad without my beloved Kevin and my heart HURTS every second of everyday. People can say it will ease, but it won't. The only way it will ever ease is to be out of this life. What is even more sad for you and I is that we don't even have children like so many other people that go through this and I keep feeling it may be at least a little bit easier to bear if we had a part of them left in this world, but we have nothing but memories and that just sucks. Talk to you later....J
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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Dallas, I am sorry for your loss. I too researched many different avenues beyond the normal since the loss of my dear son. Too many things happened that were beyond this normal world perception. Here are a few resources I found because I needed more:
The Monroe Institute. Program teaches out of body experiences with William Buhlman. https://www.monroeinstitute.org/5%20Day%20Programs (Program was used to train Stargate Military participants)
Also IANDS (International Association for Near Death Studies) is having their conference soon I attended online last year http://iands.org/past-conferences/conference-news.html Headed by Diane Corcoran, Vietnam Veteran Nurse with extensive military career.
Also a recent find for me, You may be interested in this newsletter from Helping Parents Heal which had an afterdeath encounter article (young man was Tyler) along with a video
http://us5.campaign-archive2.com/?u=d2de0c3d7d15b79c2cac9269f&i...
Orb video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTEUDkwVYGw&feature=youtu.be
These explorations I needed so I am sharing. It still not does not take the edge of the pain but perhaps kept me from losing my total sanity. Some days it is still very tough
May you find what you need. Sending gentle wishes for the day.
(Both explore consciousness beyond the body from a more scientific method of inquiry.)
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Fuck off, "Mathalukes" -- no one here is buying your witch doctor bullshit, you fucking asshole. Coming to a site where people are mourning and pretending a witch doctor brought your nonexistent lover bag to you?? You are fucking scum, so fuck back off to the cesspit from which you came, fucking spammer.
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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dont no why thy get on hear blu
its happnd on few iv bean on spam scam sly on grief sitees thy do it pisss me off wen i sea it
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Permalink Reply by JessiFox on
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Bluebird, I'm about 80% of the way through this thread, nodding along in tears to so much of what you have to say. My heart breaks for you that you seem to feel almost exactly as I do- but I wanted to thank you for sharing your story and sharing your feelings with such candor.
It is one of the only things that has helped me even the slightest bit since my husband died on August 6. He was only 32 and our 5 year wedding anniversary is in October....not nearly enough time. Like you, I know that I will never heal and I have no interest in trying or pretending that it isn't the case. I died when he died, and my body really needs to hurry the hell up and follow along. I am in agony.
I mostly just wanted to thank you and to let you know that as awful as it is for you to be sharing the same hell, it is oddly reassuring to know that others are. I can't even hint at these things with most people as they don't understand, but then, not everyone even gets their soulmate. Much less loses them.
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Wow..what a fantastic intro to the site after my first post. Probably just a spam bot but really? There's no place for spammy BS on a site like this :(
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Chloe, FUCK OFF!!!
We don't believe in witch doctor bullshit here in the real world, and you are in the WRONG fucking place if you are looking fir gullible idiots to believe the shit you are spewing. Now LEAVE, you asinine fucking spammer of bullshit.
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Bluebird, sorry to post again (not even sure anyone noticed initially with Chloe jumping in with 3 posts right after mine.) but since your experience seems to be so similar to mine thusfar I had a question I was hoping you might not mind answering-
Did you at any point find you were just literally, physically incapable of enjoying things even on the most basic level?
For instance, my husband and I always loved cooking together and so it doesn't surprise me at all that cooking (and even shopping for food, now that I'm only shopping for one) is painful...but I'm finding that I can't even enjoy food. I have no interest in eating and feel sick whether I do or not, but even just the taste...it's like I can't even experience it anymore. And the same goes for music, for something as simple as our very comfy bed or a hot bubble bath or getting in from the heat- all things that should feel quite good- I just can't seem to feel at all. Even physically. Not only has the joy and light gone out of my life but it seems everything else has, too.
All eclipsed by the desire to die and the need to be with my other half like I should be- and the terrible fear about the possibility that there is no "there" to be. Anyway I just wondered if you or anyone else here had a similar experience at all...
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JessiFox,
Unfortunately, the admin. for this site does not get rid of all the spam crap that idiots keep posting here -- they used to, but they don't anymore, no matter how much we report it. Sorry that happened right after your first post. As you can see, I don't put up with the spammer's bullshit.
In response to your posts -- I'm glad that my thread/posts have helped you a bit. When my husband died and I started looking online (in my case, I was mostly looking for accounts from people about the afterlife, about their dead spouses/partners and other loved ones visiting them after death, etc.), I found so many posts about how people were "on a grief journey" and how their dead spouse "would have wanted them to be happy" and about how they were "moving on with their lives" and all that. Which is fine for them, if that is their experience, but it was not and is not my experience, and I was just getting more pissed off reading those posts.
Once I found some posts by people who were feeling more like I was/am, that did help a bit (much as my posts have been helpful for you, I suppose). Posts in which people were essentially saying "This fucking SUCKS, it's unfair, and it will ALWAYS suck and be unfair. The most important person in the universe, to me, has died, and so the world is not what it was, for me, and never will be again, and I do not want this life." To me, THAT is the truth, and it was refreshing to hear (read) some people fucking admit it (sorry if my language is offensive to you -- that isn't my intent, I just get very emotional about all this).
Your situation with your husband seems a bit like my situation with my husband. You were married for longer, but my love and I were together for nearly 13 years, and felt married pretty much all of that time. Both your love and mine died young, yours in October and mine in September. As you said, "I know that I will never heal and I have no interest in trying or pretending that it isn't the case. I died when he died, and my body really needs to hurry the hell up and follow along. I am in agony." We were each blessed/lucky to have found our soulmates, and damned by their deaths to this horror of existence. I can only hope that will end when I die.
I don't mind answering your question -- the answer is yes, I was and mostly still am incapable of enjoying anything, most especially the things that my husband and I did together.
For example, we both love vintage stuff, and we used to go to flea markets searching for vintage pieces for our home and also for me to sell online. I did that for years before I ever met him, as did he, but when we met and realized we shared that passion, we started doing it together. Now I don't want to go to yard sales, flea markets, thrift shops, etc. He isn't there to do it with me, then i don't want to fucking do it. I am closing down my online vintage shop, it is only a burden to me now.
As for food, i hate food shopping now, because i am not buying food for both of us. I will not cook or eat the things we both loved, because he is not here to eat them with me. And yes, food has lost its flavor, it is flat, it means nothing, like everything else. I used to love ice cream, but now it's just "meh", and i won't buy our favorite flavor anymore -- he's not here to eat it with me, so i will not eat it.
Ditto for music, tv shows, books, everything. In fact, things that should be "good" only make me sad and/or piss me off, because he isn't here so that we can enjoy them together. There is no joy in life anymore, for me. I hate seeing happy couples/families, because i will never have that again (and we will never have children). All life is for me, now, is just a matter of dragging my ass from one day to the next, until my body finally acquiesces to my will and stops.
I think this is not an uncommon response, for people who are truly in love with and connected to their soulmate (I'm not saying this is the case for everyone -- i'm sure there are those who are truly in love with and connected to their soulmate who died who don't feel this way -- but i think it is the case for a lot of us). As you said, everything, EVERYTHING, is eclipsed by the desire to die and be with my love, to be together as we should be. And, like you, i am terrified that there is no afterlife. I simply don't know. I hope more than anything that there is a good afterlife in which we will be together again, but honestly even if there is nothing i would still rather die.
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Not your fault at all, Bluebird, it is a shame that the admin don't take care of it...that's awful on a site like this. But I thank you for your reply. I haven't been sleeping really, I might not have explained that very well- our wedding anniversary is October, my husband died earlier this month. At any rate, there are indeed similarities. We've been married almost 5 years, but together for closer to 10.
I googled something to the effect of "my soulmate died and I want to go with him" when I found your post. While the topic of the afterlife, and connections/contact with spirits and such does interest me (and has for years, actually), I wouldn't be comfortable taking anyone else's experience as proof or comfort really, so I'm not so much looking for that.
Yes, that is the exact feeling upon finding your posts and some of the others on this thread; relief that someone else is feeling and willing to admit the same truth I am feeling, no matter how "awful" or depressing it may be...and the acknowledgment that it is NOT a choice. Swearing is not offensive to me in the least, I'm much more interested in a person's intent vs. their choice of words.
I'm very sorry for you, that you lost your soulmate and that you can relate to the hell I've found myself in. To lose not only your other half but your ability to enjoy and love things, to trust your own perceptions, not to mention to have any version of a future you want...there truly are no words. We didn't have kids either, though we were planning and wanting to. The only child he had is a now 11 year old son with a truly horrible, soulless narcissist who kept him away from us. I wanted more than anything to be a mother and to share that with him...and now that possibility is gone, too.
Like you, I would prefer death either way. If there is an afterlife, I will make my way to him...hopefully easily, but regardless of what's waiting, if it's a possibility at all than I will damn sure find him. If it's just nothingness and a return to star stuff, that's far better than what I'm doing now.
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Jessi,
I don't sleep well, either. Since September 2012, when my husband died, I have taken either Benadryl (on most nights) or a sleeping pill (on the really horrible nights) virtually every night, in order to get any sleep at all. Otherwise I can't fall asleep, and then I have nightmares, and wake up multiple times per night, and then wake up very early and can't get back to sleep. Sleep is basically the only respite from this horror of a life, so I crave it. It's as close as I can get to being dead, before I actually die. When I'm asleep, if I'm not having a nightmare, I very briefly don't know/remember the hell my life has become.
As it turns out, I am not comfortable taking anyone else's experience as proof of an afterlife, either. I thought it might help, and reading other people's accounts does bring the slightest, briefest comfort, but it isn't much and it doesn't last. So that was kind of a bust.
You are quite right that feeling as we do is NOT a choice. It pisses me off when people think it is. I don't understand how anyone who truly loves their spouse/partner could feel any way other than as we do, I honestly don't.I am sorry you are in this hell as well, but I was surprised/amazed to read this bit of what you wrote: "To lose not only your other half but your ability to enjoy and love things, to trust your own perceptions, not to mention to have any version of a future you want...there truly are no words." No one else seems to understand about losing trust in your own perceptions. I should have fucking known what was going to happen. What people call psychic abilities run in my family to some extent, and I've known other things before, some of them having to do with my husband, so why the hell didn't I know this was coming, and what fucking good are my "abilities" when they didn't help me save him? NO fucking good, that's what. And although I was agnostic, I would never have thought that any god, if there was/is one, would have been so cruel as to rip my soul in half by tearing my husband from me, so I was wrong about that, wrong about the nature of things, wrong about life, wrong about so much, and so I do not trust my own perceptions anymore.
I'm sorry about your stepson, that he has to live with (what I assume is) a narcissistic mother. The evil fucking bitch who gave birth to my husband is the same -- I vehemently wish she had died, instead of him. It is partly her fault that he died -- had she been an even remotely decent mother/person, he would have had better self-esteem, and would have taken better care of himself. I don't believe in hell, but if I'm wrong and there is such a place, I would not be at all surprised if she ended up there.
I hope I die soon, and preferably quickly/painlessly. I wish all of us who just want to be reunited with our beloveds could be, asap.
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