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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Alicia on
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Btw,until now i am still praying everyday that this is all just a bad dream and that ill wake up soon and find that hes alive. I am still a catholic (maybe) and based on what i was taught if u die and go to heaven you become an angel but angels are asexual and marriage does not exist in heaven so even when i die and get to heaven the most we could be are "friends" and i can never be his wife again w/c is just terrible.now i know how shallow marriage and "till death do us part" is.when one dies the marriage is gone, he is not ur husband anymore and u can never be his wife again.i also googled other beliefs like reincarnation,yes it is possible but probably only if u die at the same time and meet in the next lifetime coz if not there are stories abt people who meet their widow but they are kids and the widow is older...i cannot find any other possibility to be w/ him again:(
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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on
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Alicia
I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you feel. Responding to your search for answers
There are 8 ressurections in the Bible that clearly show that there is a complete reunion of family. Those ressurections took place right here on earth.
Mark 5: 41 Then, taking the hand of the child, he said to her: “Talʹi·tha cuʹmi,” which, when translated, means: “Little girl, I say to you, ‘Get up!’” 42 And immediately the girl rose and began walking. (She was 12 years old.) And at once they were beside themselves with great ecstasy.
This is an account of a daughter who died, but there is no indication that if it was the husband it would have been different.
The Bible gives us the hope that your husband will be ressurected back to the earth at a time that this earth will be a paradise. If you are there, you will have the wonderful privilege of being reunited with him
I hope this helps.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Hi Alicia. I'm sorry your husband died too. I understand about having barely started your family life -- my husband and I were together for nearly 13 years, but had only been married for one week when he died. We won't ever have the chance to have children, and we would have been great parents. I'm sure it's very hard being pregnant and not having your husband with you, and I'm sure that raising your child without him will be very hard as well, but at least you will still have a piece of your husband, in a way.Like you, I constantly hope that this is all just a bad dream. I rarely pray about it anymore, as I don't believe there is a god (and if there is, s/he has betrayed me by allowing my husband to die when he did, so I place no trust in her/him), but I do hope and speak to my husband about it, even though I'm not sure there's an afterlife in which he exists.I disagree with whatever you were taught that said we become angels when we die. Catholicism does not teach that, it teaches that angels are a separate order of beings, created by god before god created humanity. One cannot change from one type of being into another. I don't think Judaism teaches that humans become angels upon death, either. I am not sufficiently familiar with other faiths to know what they teach. Regardless, I personally don't believe that we become angels, nor do I believe that "marriage does not exist in heaven" -- I am married to my husband, and I always will be, and if god or whatever doesn't like that then it can bugger off, as far as I'm concerned. Our marriage is not gone, and never will be. My husband and I will dictate who we are to each other, no one else will do so, including god if there is a god. You don't have to believe what your religion tells you, if you don't agree that it is right.
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Hi dennis i actually did research on this 1st resurrection u are talking about.yes it says at this time the 'good ones' will rise from the dead and live like 'in paradise' but at the same time marriage still does not exist at this 1st resurrection and those included here will live 'like angels'.
Anyhow I just had a talk w/ my ob last saturday and she actually told me that I and my baby could be infected w/ the same bacteria that killed my husband. She said she's not ordering tests now as anyhow I cannot take any medicines since I'm pregnant but that she'll definitely get myself and my baby tested before i give birth. So now I still dont know how to feel.its like being told my and my baby's life could be over in days/weeks/months. The bacteria can be very agressive.i have read lots of stories on the internet of ppl dying w/in hrs.i dont know what to feel right now...
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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on
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Alicia, I am LDS (Mormon) yet I mostly have not been active and at times scoffed at my religion. I was born into it. Mormons don't even get to choose as kids which was one of my complaints with it. Anyway, ever since my husband's diagnosis of advanced liver cancer my desire to go back to what is familiar is strong. I've yet to make it to actual church yet, but I'm reading the scriptures and they are giving me strength to face my future. And I fear it will be soon.
My heart aches for you. I don't know what to say to send comfort through the internet but know you ARE going to be with your husband. As his wife. With your baby. One thing most people don't know about Mormons is we believe you still get to make all these choices about what you want AFTER death. The fact that you picked him to marry in the first place is because you knew him in your pre-life. You knew your baby too. You all made a promise to each other to be together on earth and that you would be together after your time here. It doesn't end at death...even if on earth you don't believe in God or anything. I love that part of my religion. Why wouldn't God want us to be with our loved ones? I'm not God, so therefore not as loving, and yet I would set it up that way. What is the point otherwise.
This knowledge (or some might just call it my belief and it is) comforts me tremendously. That I will be with my husband and our kids (from different marriages) will be with us too and their children. And so on. And those (like my kids) who have never attended my church or believed in anything will get the chance to change their mind about things after they die. They might just want to be with me...who knows? :)
Anyway, I know Mormons are viewed as kind of weirdos, but some of the things they teach are wonderful and very comforting and beautiful and make sense. Of course you are going to be your husband's wife!!! Why would you not?
I will be thinking of you and praying that God sends you comfort in knowing you will be with him again.
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Thanks kathleen.so there is a religion that teaches this, that feels good.anyhow tonight i got a boil w/c is the 1st symptom of my husband's infection (actually his started smaller,as small as a pimple),i have texted my ob about it since she told me to inform her asap if i get a boil,i am still waiting for her reply.i am bothered though and cried and have told my mom and two bff's.i am scared but i dont still know what to feel...
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It's good that you have contacted your OB about the boil. May I ask what sort of infection your husband had?
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He had mrsa then sepsis then it affected most of his organs.my ob simply advised me to put a cream.strange as it is i am still not that concerned about myself and my baby,all i can think about is how i miss my husband,how much i pity him for dying so young.its very hard to accept...
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It makes me sad when i think of the vacations we can never take together, that he will not be able to his son,so many things...you are right people are so nice to me now even people im not close to i guess they all pity me.i have people crying to me saying they are really upset and things like this are not right. I think its not fair for ppl to tell us that we should move on,that is up to us.
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About suicide when he was in critical condition i told myself i would never consider it because i wouldnt want to bring similar pain to my family and love ones because i already know how hard it is.but days pass by and the sadness is only growing...
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Listen, "chloe" --
People on this site are GRIEVING, so don't come post your bullshit "spellcaster" nonsense -- we are much too intelligent to buy into that bullshit. And DO NOT post your bullshit on my thread about my dead husband, for fucks' sake. Now get the fuck out of my thread and off this site, and do not come back here again.
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Permalink Reply by Steve Suehiro on
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I am reporting your post chloe. There is no place for this sort of spam here on these pages. How dare you.
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