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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Karen T. on
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First (I understand you don't want to hear it but it is important) I just want to let you know that yes there is a God and Heaven and if you wish to discuss further feel feel free to email me and I will help you with that undertsanding and questions etc.My email is katanakah@hotmail.com I would love to hear from you.
Second, I have recently lost my husband (4 months now) and I am desperately trying to go on without him- the only thing keeping me going is my 9 year old son. I am struggling as it has been so soon. If there is any help and advice that you could provide I would be greatly appreciative.
Thank you
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Karen,
I'm not sure if your post is directed towards me or not...
If it is, then with all due respect I have to say that your belief in god/heaven doesn't mean there is a god or a heaven, and doesn't convince me. If your belief works for you, then that's good, and I appreciate what seem to be your good intentions, but I have no belief in god and no interest in discussing god, and would appreciate it if you would please not bring that subject up with me again. As for the afterlife, I truly hope there is one, but I have not seen anything that convinces me beyond doubt of its existence.
I am sorry that your husband died as well, and I hope you are able to find some peace and some help, but there isn't really any help or advice I can provide, as my husband died 2.5 years ago and I am still as devastated as I was when he died. I still have no interest in life, I still want to die as soon as possible. I know that it isn't that way for everyone, and I hope it isn't that way for you. I have read that there are some things that help some other people -- they do nothing for me, but maybe they will help you. People have mentioned spending time with friends, participating in hobbies, exercising, going to grief therapy, etc. Maybe you could try some of those things.
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Dear Bluebird It doesn't get easier does it? Reading other's posts, some have found a way to live and to embrace life - maybe not fully, and perhaps in a different way. It's not happened for me, despite all the therapies and other help, because when my darling died, so did I. i lost all sense of belonging - I no longer had my best friend, my own true love. I just exist now and cant see the point of living without him and my dearest wish is to join him. Life has lost all its meaning and although others are loving, kind and caring, there really isn't anything I want or need from life now. Each minute is a torment. I have no reason to be here, and no reason to believe this will ever change.
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Pam,
For me, no, in doesn't get any easier. It never will, because my husband will never be alive with me again in this life, so this life is meaningless to me now. I'm sorry it's the same way for you.
Some people do find a way to want to live. Good for them, sincerely, but I just don't understand that. I don't understand wanting to live when your soulmate is not living there with you, and especially for people like me who don't even know if there is an afterlife in which their beloved still exist and where they will be with him/her again.
Like you, I have lost all sense of belonging. I am not human anymore, not part of this human life. I care nothing for any part of human rituals or life, everything has lost meaning for me now. As you said -- when my darling died, so did I.
You said "I just exist now and cant see the point of living without him and my dearest wish is to join him. Life has lost all its meaning and although others are loving, kind and caring, there really isn't anything I want or need from life now. Each minute is a torment. I have no reason to be here, and no reason to believe this will ever change."
That is exactly how I feel. All I want is to die and be with my husband (if there is an afterlife) as soon as possible. I don't understand why that hasn't happened yet; it's not as though I will ever do anything with my life now, there is absolutely no reason for or point to my life now. My family is very loving, they love me and I love them, and it's simply not enough.
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Karen be strong! You will survive. I have turn the corner even though I still grieve for my husband. The best thing for you do,is too stay off site like this. Your darkest days will behind you just like me,when I don't know. Be around people who have climbed out depth of despair,hopelessness and unhappiness that will give you hope. It's long rough journey but only you choose what path you want to take. Stay away from triggers that make you feel worse. Don't let people talking into something you don't want to do. Be kind to yourself. Hold to every bit of life for you and your son. He's worth it. Your husband is with you everyday,hour,minute and second. He loves you now and forever. Just ask for help and talk to him and he will send you help and messages. I can testify to this. I just join a widow and widower group and we all meet in cafe once month to share our experiences in positive way about our deceased loved ones Wow! I felt good after I left. One day I scream for God to send me a miracle because I was a really having a bad day. Guess what God did. I'm proof there is light for all us who grieve and miss our loved one so much we want to die. I can't wait to see my beloved husband and I know death awaits me sooner or later. Do I want to be unhappy and a live in despair while I waiting for death. Heck No! I will never married again nor no one will take my Husband place. What's important to me now finding myself without my beloved husband. The day he died everything we did together died with him.
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I feel and know your pain. However reading the post from many of you,don't help me in my grief. In fact its' pretty depressing. From this horrible experience we are dealing with is a life lesson to help those who are in need which gives us the opportunity to grow spiritual. God is not to blame for our deceased loved ones passing. Death like birth is part of life. My Husband "is' my soul mate still this day and I know in my heart and mind he is still loving me deeply and watching over me. There are too many signs he has giving me to say other wise. I will honor my Husband to live as best I can without his physical presence until I pass away to be with him. Greatest gift God gave us that we will be reunited with our deceased loved ones despite our beliefs. Instead of hating God we should be thanking God for this wonderful gift to be reunited with our loved ones who have crossed over into another world,that is so beautiful they are no words to describe it.
We have "free will" in how we live our lives. My free will chooses to live in the light and not in darkness of despair,unhappiness,joyless,sadness and hopelessness for want ever time have left on this earth. I will help those who need of emotional support,comfort and whatever I can do give them hope that life is worth living even when your dear loved one has passed away.
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Permalink Reply by black dog on
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we are not choosing to live this way... it is just how their death has changed us. some people can move on and find happiness... some of us cannot. we have tried. it is not fun or enjoyable to forever remain haunted by memories shared and memories never to come. if we could choose, we wouldn't choose this. in this situation, i think it's best for those who have come out of this a "better person" to segregate from us who haven't, since there is really no way to help us and some of you can't seem to accept our world. the most we can hope to do is relieve some tension and honor our loved one's life through sharing stories. i felt an instantaneous bond with every female who posted and detailed their inability to remarry or find joy in life. knowing that they have the strength to go on for others gives me a boost of strength myself, enough to care for my daughter and smile and laugh with her. even then, the good times are bittersweet and wrought with a deep longing that will never stop hurting. i am sorry about your loss, as we all are, but happiness has not been an option for us for a very long time now. our free will left with our love. i am glad that yours did not, you should consider yourself very fortunate.
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Exactly, black dog. It is not a choice, it is our natural reaction to the death of our soulmates and the destruction of our lives. Maybe some other people are just naturally more emotionally flexible and can "bounce back" to some extent, and/or maybe some other people are just stronger than I am, and/or maybe some other people were not actually with their soulmates or as close & in love with their partner as I am. I don't know; my guess is that each of those things is true for different people.
But as you said, this is not a choice. I do kind of see two "camps" of people, if you will -- those who can and will "move on" to some extent, and those of us who cannot and will not. For some of us, the ability to find joy in life has been destroyed, decimated the instant our soulmate died, and all that is left is waiting to be with our soulmates. As for dating or remarrying, no fucking way.
As you said, "....happiness has not been an option for us for a very long time now. our free will left with our love". For some of us, that is how it is, and how it always will be until we die and are hopefully reunited with our soulmates.
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Val,
I know that my posts are depressing, but how could they be otherwise, when that is how I feel? It is not my intention to depress anyone else, so if you find my posts depressing then you probably shouldn't read them. I really am sorry for your loss, but please understand that not everyone can or should respond to a similar loss in the same way that you do.
I do not share your belief in a loving god. I do not share your belief that this anguish is meant to help us grow spiritually -- and even if it were, for the sake of argument, I don't care, it is not worth it, nothing is worth my husband's death and my being separated from him, even if it may only be temporary. I know that I cannot simply "choose" to be happy or to live life or to give a damn about anything -- that capacity no longer exists in me. If you are able and willing to help other people who have had loved ones die, or other people in various bad situations, that's good, you should probably do that. As for me, I just sit and wait to die, and hope that it will happen as soon as possible.
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I felt like you for over 3 months so I exactly how you feel. Day in day out I was in total misery and despair in missing my husband. I cried out to God and my Husband to rip this unbearable emotional pain out of me so that I can start living again. Why do I feel there is hope for me? Because God and with the help from of my Husband answered my prays by releasing my emotional pain that was embedded in my heart that almost killed me. For me it was miracle because it takes many months or years for people for get over their initial unbearable emotional pain over their deceased loved ones. But for me it only took me over 3 months and it was Husband's spirit deep love for me that prevented me in some strange way from taking my own life. This is just another sign by my Husband in how much he loves me and making sure me and him will be together in the after life. Not only my Husband took care of me in life and he's also taking care after his passing.
There another reason God also helped me is because of my free will of choosing to be healed from the loss of my beloved husband. I will never be the same person and I still have long journey ahead of me. But I refuse to be a victim to live in hell on earth. We choose own journey and there only two paths. One finding the way to the light to search for joy,happiness and peace or stay on path of darkness of despair,anger,hopelessness, and joylessness.
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You don't know exactly how I feel, though you probably do have a pretty good idea, as you are going through a similar situation. But this hellish situation is never exactly the same for any two people, because we are all in different relationships. I am the only person in the entire universe who knows what it is like to be in love with my husband and to have him be in love with me, who knows what it is to be soulmates with my husband (and the same or similar is true of you and your husband).
I think one difference is that you prayed to god and to your husband to take the pain away from you, whereas that is not something I want. I have absolutely zero desire to live this life, without my husband. I want this pain to kill me, I want to die as soon as possible, and if there is an afterlife I want to be with my husband (and eventually my other loved ones). That's all.
If you were able to start feeling better after 3 months, and if that is what you wanted (it sounds as though it is), then I am glad it happened that way for you. It has been 2.5 years since my husband died, and I will never feel better, because I cannot feel better unless/until I am reunited with my soulmate.
We do not all "choose our own journey", and it is naïve to think that we do. We make some of the choices in our lives, certainly, and some of us get to make more of our own choices than others (due to circumstances of birth place, economics, privilege, etc.), but shit happens to almost everyone and very rarely of our choosing. The way we respond to that shit is also not always of our choosing -- if you can regulate your emotions in the way you've stated, that's fine, but it is not that way for all of us. I am on the path of despair and anger and joylessness, not because it is what I wanted, but because the death of my beloved husband has made me this way.
As for god, with all due respect to your beliefs, I do not share them in any way, and I have already asked you once to please not bring her/him up to me, so please respect that.
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Bluebird,
I can't tell you how thankful I am that you take the time to respond to the Val's of this world in the way you do. It is kind, genuine and forthright. I read these posts and have stood back from responding because I don't have the same tolerance for some of the explanations of why one person happens to find a light after the death of their loved one.
Like you I am only moving through time here because my body wont give up. To live without my husband for any length of time three months, three years or thirty years more is a daily struggle against the forces of nature. My brain will never want to be here without him. Prayer, voodoo, money, entertainment, are all constructions that some can use to rebuild some sort of life. But they need to want to do it. I don't. I want out. The sooner the better. Just the thought of continuing here without that passion that was my husband, that rock, the better half of me, is not possible without continuing depressive pain.
I just wanted to express that when you write I do not need to because you write what I would like to but cannot seem to as well as you. So thank you. Thank you.
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