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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by eileen stacey on
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I too feel the same way even though my partner didnt die .he left me for another woman at a time when i needed him the most ,,i cant start again or move on and each day i feel is torture .its as if he did die,,id thought we were soul mates and after 20 years of being with an ex husband who mentally .physically and sexually abused me i finally thought id found the one when id met my recent ex ,we were together 10 years ..now i feel i never really knew him at all ,he seemed the opposite to my ex husband when id first met him but in a way he turned out worse then the others as at least i knew where i stood with them but he fooled me for so long now i just have no trust left and feel that my life ended when he left,,i cried every single day for a year .sometimes twice a day and wished my life was over,,id actually took an overdose but it didnt work, i thought id just go to sleep and not wake up as each day i was in more despair,but it doesnt work like that sometimes ,and the dr said i could have ended up in a worse state and still be alive which did scare me ,so now i think i will just have to live each day wishing i was closer to death ,living is just too painful that death seems a better option and that sounds awful but thats how i feel ,sometimes i do have little bits of joy and have family .some im close to and some im not but its still not the same ,im not the same as i used to be ,my sister rings me often and tries to cheer me up..etc and a close friend that i dont see as often as id like with one thing and another but all in all i have more downs then ups which makes it all seem pointless ...so i can relate to what bluebird is saying and no matter what well meaning people say it wont change the fact of how we feel,,i hope you all find some sort of joy even if a little to keep you going in the dark of night ,,best wishes to you all ,
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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The way you lost your partner is a kind of death, too, and I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope you can find some peace, and maybe eventually someone to be with who actually does treat you well.
As for me, there's no joy in this life anymore. I still hope every day to die, and pray to a god I don't really believe in (and hate, if s/he does exist) to kill me as soon as possible.
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thank you.. bluebird but i wont meet anyone else as i refuse to put myself in the position to be hurt,lied too or abused ,,i dont no if its just my bad luck but i always seem to get that kind of man,,also i have too many health problems and menopause problems for any man to put up with ,,no im better off alone ,there are so many reasons why i just cant start again,,the trust issue too ,,my ex was such a good actor and the lies he told ,he even had some of my family and friends fooled .i really thought he loved me but i think now he was with me until some one better came along,,its a long story but basically i will never have another man as long as i live,,i didnt even know all the debt he was in when he moved in with me until the phone calls started etc ,,anyway i wish you well and at least you understand what its like to go through life just not wanting to be in it anymore ..i cant talk to my friends like this as they dont understand ,take care x
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Permalink Reply by Ofir Rifo on
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Dear Bluebird. I just found this site because after 18 years of my husband's death I still cry and feel the pain in my heart although I do want to live, not that much for me but for my son and my family who will suffer a lot if I am gone. I understand your pain and there are no words that can take it from your heart. I do not believe God will make people suffer or that he make miracles. People created the image of a God who loves and protect us. I cannot believe this. Perhaps we are all Gods that wanted to have an experience here on earth or some other planet or galaxy , and that is why God if he/she exist will never interfere in our decision, because we choose to come here before we were born. You already selected the date when you have to go, therefore do not do anything that harm your body because your will ended up cripple or disable until the time you have to go. I believe our loved ones are with us all the time because they are energy than can be in different places at the same time. After 18 years I still talk to my husband every night before going to sleep and think about him as soon as a open my eyes in the morning. I ask him to help me, to take my pain away until I finish my choose path in this earth.
I read all your post during those 2 years and felt that I needed to join this group just to share ideas, because it is too soon for your troubled heart to heal yet. Please do not take Ambien. My son was taking it and wake up in the middle of the night, drove two cars and have two accidents the same night. Ended up at the police station because they though he was drunk. When the test showed that he did not have any alcohol or drugs in his system he was released. He went to his doctor who said the only reason for his behavior probably was the Ambien he was taken. He still does not remember anything at all. I also want to tell you that my husband and I donated our bodies to the Anatomical Board of Medicine. I think each state university accept this donation for their medical students to study anatomy. In order to do it you cannot kill yourself, or have any contagious deceased or have wounds. This is good because at least you are doing a good deed, and your body will not be wasted. Aside that your family will not be burden paying funeral expenses. Your body will go from the hospital or home directly to the University of Medical facility and your ashes will be returned to your family if you wish that, otherwise they will dispose the ashes in a proper way. In the meantime if you have the time away from your work you can help at any animal shelter. I do not recommend going to nursing homes because they are very depressed and you do not need that. Since it seems to me that perhaps you have a chemical imbalance in your brain it is more difficult for you to accept this great loss. You must take at least half of any anxiety drug like Xanax or Lexapro which is very good in small doses. Remember it was YOU the one who selected this life on earth, the one who selected your parents, your husband. Perhaps you loved your husband that much that You spared him from having the pain of loosing you. Be grateful that he did not divorce or left you for someone else. I have a nightmare seeing my husband with another woman and I tell you the pain is double, it was horrible. When I woke up I was glad that he died and that he never will be with another woman. Forget what you said that he died one week after your wedding, rather think you have him for 13 years. You were his wife for all of those years, a signature on a paper for a man-made ceremony does not mean anything. What counted was his feelings for you. This energy is with you AT ALL TIMES. Have his pictures in your room so you can smile at him and talk to him as if he was there. (do not tell people because they are going to think you are crazy, but you know that you are not) Start loving yourself because you need to be healthy until you died. I know we grief that much because we love ourselves too much and do not want to suffer. The one who died is not suffering anymore and therefore must be happy if there is an afterlife. If there is nothing then we do not need to go in a hurry since somebody in this earth can be happy because we are still here. Please forgive me for my incorrect English grammar but English is not my first language. You write so well and beautiful that I believe it will help you to vent everything that is in your heart. You made me cry when I was reading all your posts from 2013 to 2015 and really hope you feel better in the near future. Not happy because without our spouse at least for me this is not possible anymore. But at least to be able to be in pace and accept this reality as a fact of life since all living things in this earth sooner or later are going to be gone. Tell your husband that we was very lucky not to go thru this suffering, therefore he has to help you because you do not want to make your family go thru the same hell. I will be so glad the day that you post that finally if not happy you are accepting this loss. It does not mean that you are not going to cry, or that you are going to forget about him. It will never happens but you will not be crying all day long, but once in a while and you will be able to laugh again and feel pace in your heart. Have a big hug from me. Ofir
For me my heaven will be to be able to heal all wounded hearts, to help to erase from the world all pains, perhaps in heaven or afterlife or other dimensions will be able to do it.
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Ofir,
Thanks for your post. I understand you feeling the pain of your husband's death 18 years later; I neither want nor expect to still be alive 18 years after my husband's death, but if I am I know I will feel exactly as I do now. I don't have kids (another horrible result of my husband's death), but my family (Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-Law) want me to live, so for now I am, but I refuse to do so for many more years. I don't want to hurt them, but as long as I am alive it hurts me. I hate my life, and I no longer want it.
I do not have the belief or faith in god that you have. I have zero faith in god. I am agnostic, veering very much towards atheist. I have been agnostic for many years, but always hoped there was a kind, loving god. Now I know there is not. If a god exists at all, it is a cruel being, and I want nothing to do with it. Or, at best, it has no power to help us, in which case i don't consider it "god".
I know that i never chose this, to have my husband die at age 40, one week after our wedding. Maybe we each did choose to come here and live a life, that i don't know, but i know that i did not choose this horrific turn of events. I don't believe i already selected the date of my death, and if i did, then i am changing it to be ASAP.
I hope you are right about our dead loved ones always being with us, but even if you are right, it is not enough. I need my husband to be ALIVE with me, living the life that we should have had for many more years. And if that isn't possible, then i need to die and be wherever he is. My heart will never heal, not in this life, not unless/until i am with my beloved again.
I won't take Ambien, unless i decide to try to kill myself with it and other medications. But i won't take it to sleep, because i have read & heard about exactly the sorts of things that you mentioned. I take Benadryl to sleep, most nights, and on the worst nights i take Lunesta (sleeping pill). The only side effect the Lunesta causes for me is a bad metallic taste in my mouth the whole next day after i take it, but it's worth it in order to sleep and not be aware for a while.
Donating your bodies to medicine, you and your husband, is a lovely idea. I won't be doing that, though. For one thing, i may very well end up killing myself. For another, i don't care about helping anyone or doing any good deeds. I did not used to be this way, but now i don't give a damn about anything, or about anyone other than my immediate family and our pets. I don't wish anyone any harm, but i want nothing to do with anyone or anything. I just want my life to be as small and limited as possible (so that i don't have to put forth any effort or energy, which i do not have, and so that when i die it causes the least possible harm) and i want to die as soon as possible, and that's all.
My husband loves animals, and did a lot to help cats (he worked at a trucking company, and there were many feral cats there, and he took care of them -- food, water, shelter, love). When he died, we asked people to donate money to a local cat rescue instead of sending flowers, and people did. If i ever win a ton of money in the lottery, i will donate to the local SPCA, but i will not be volunteering anywhere -- i don't have the energy, and i just don't care. I am not a good person anymore. I'm not a bad person either, i am just nothing.
My husband would never have left me or divorced me. We were together, in love and monogamous, for nearly 13 years. Since he died, i have had many nightmares in which he left me or i left him, or he cheated on me or i cheated on him, but i know none of that would ever have happened. I am glad that my husband was spared the pain of losing me, but i don't want this pain either, i literally cannot bear it. It is killing me, i just wish it would do so much, much faster.
You are right in that my husband and i were married for all those years in every important way, and we always did consider ourselves as married, but still the fact that he died one week after our actual wedding is a big "fuck you" from god or the universe or whatever, and i will never forgive it.
I have my husband's picture right next to my bed. I talk to him (not really to the photo, but just out loud to him) a lot. I don't know if he still exists, which to me is the most horrific part of all this. My family knows i speak to him, i don't know if I've mentioned it to anyone else, but honestly i don't give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. I never really have, and even less so now.
I do not love myself, and i have no desire to be healthy. the more unhealthy i am, the more likely i am to die sooner. I would prefer to have an instantly fatal heart attack, or die instantly in an accident, as i don't want to suffer, but regardless i just need to die as soon as possible. Even if there is nothing, no afterlife, i want to die soon so that i no longer feel this pain. I don't want to hurt my family, but what about MY hurt?
Your English is very good, no need to apologize. I speak some French, but not nearly as well as you speak English. I used to write well, and to some extent i suppose i still do, but generally i don't do anything very well anymore. My brain does not work as it used to; my intelligence has been blunted, as has my soul.
Thank you for hoping that i feel better, but honestly that is never going to happen. I will never be at peace until i am with my husband again, and i will never accept his death (i know he died, factually, but i will never accept it).
Anyway, thank you for your kindness and for your hugs, and for taking the time to post your very thoughtful post. Hugs to you.
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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on
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"I don't want to hurt my family, but what about MY hurt?"
I feel like I truly understand what you're saying here bluebird. When I was processing suicide within a month after losing Gary, it truly did not matter what anyone else thought or felt. At the end of the day they were NOT the ones to feel this nightmare of unbearable pain. I WAS. They were NOT the ones who had their life and entire future obliterated to complete hell. So broken there is no fix. So shocking you are permanently paralyzed. So ripping to your core, you are forever wounded. I can still remember how dark that pain felt. The dark within the dark and, even still, that's completely surgarcoating it. I don't know if any word(s) are even possible to tap in to the depth I've tried to describe up to this point in my writings as none of it comes to my satisfaction. "Normals" can be there all they want but they cannot understand or feel even a fraction of this twilight zone of hell.
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I wish I could "like" this. Exactly how I feel. Unbearable pain is so right.
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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Wow perfectly put, love and hugs to you x
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That is perfect I did it after my soulmate died but I did it for my sons so that they would not have to go through what I did.... I knew what my soulmate wanted so I did what he wished I don't want my sons to have to do that for me...
It is not morbid, it is taking care of the future.
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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i no how u feal wn i lost my dad lst yr me mum fond it hrd 2 acsept we still do all we got told 2 wz get over it foget abot him
we r still hrtng now we r
i got tld sm hme truths but th went to far wot wz saed
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Jo,
I don't mean to be rude, but I can't understand much of what you wrote. I do gather that your father died last year, and I am sorry to hear that, and that you get told to "get over it", which is a ridiculous thing for anyone to say to you or to anyone who has had a loved one die. People recover from it, or don't -- at their own rate, or not at all. You shouldn't feel pressured by what other people say.
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