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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on
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This is a true story. For all us who are missing our deceased loved ones I hope it gives you peace that will be with them in the afterlife. I was asleep at home. My mother had been very ill for some time. I had traveled to the home of my youth to be with her, but had eventually needed to leave her side to care for my young children. When I left my mother's nursing home room, I had known I would never see her again. Flying home, my grief was overwhelming. The night I returned home I was both physically and emotionally exhausted. After dinner with my husband and children, I went to bed. During the middle of the night, I awoke from a very deep sleep. I had dreamed my mother had come to visit me. In this dream, she was with my father who had passed five years ago. Both of them looked happy and healthy. My mother blew me a kiss. Then she and my father turned around and walked off, over a hill. When I awoke, tears filled my eyes, but I also felt a sense of peace. My parents had looked so joyful. I looked at the clock and noted it was 3 A.M., then lay back down and went to sleep. The next morning my brother called to tell me my mother had left us. When I asked him about the time of her death, he replied she had passed at 3 A.M
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Val,
It's unclear to me -- this is an experience that you had, or you are relaying an experience that you read about which happened to someone else?
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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on
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Thank you for the story Val. I had a similar experience. It was three weeks since the day my boyfriend had died and I was asleep having a normal dream that was insignificant when all of a sudden the dream cut out and I found myself on the settee in my living room it didn't feel like I was dreaming although I know I was obviously asleep but the dream was like no other I have ever experienced. Any way when I tuned my head all of a sudden my boyfriends body appeared in his chair next to me. His body looked dead then all of a sudden it was like a fountain of air entered him through his mouth and within seconds he was alive. I managed to get off the settee run to him and hug him whilst say Ste I've missed you so much he said I know and he was crying. Then within seconds the whole vision cut-totally gone everything disappeared it was if it was too painful for him to continue. I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. It was the exact time he had died 3 weeks to the day. I had not had any previous dreams. The experience deeply upset me for days as I say it was unlike any normal dream it felt like it was real. Since then he has only appeared one more time cutting into my dreams. He appeared again just cutting in to my dream as a vision smiling and holding his hands up in a happy gesture.I remember thinking what's he so happy about but then at the point he appeared and it was just for a few seconds, a letter landed on my door mat which woke me up but the news inside it -well I know now why he was so happy. You may say it's coincidence but again his vision cut into my dream for a few seconds then disappeared. I think he puts thoughts in my head too. If I'm writing a poem he will provide inspiration. I am always thinking about the next two to three poems and I have one in mind. I was thinking of about creating a Heaven on Earth type poem ie if only there was peace/health -cures for cancer etc. I thought if you can plant thoughts in my my head why can't you ask someone how we can cure cancer then put the answer in my head. As I thought it he gave me these words (genomes fight quadrangle) none of it made sense to me so I looked up genomes and got garden gnomes. So then I tried cancer and genomes and genomes do exist. But then I thought who do I give this information to. I immediately got the name Blake Smith. So I again Googled Blake Smith (yes he exists)and so I sent a message through New Scientist. Just in case he thinks I'm mad I also sent the information to Cancer Research UK. They sent me a very nice email saying my email had caused great interest and that they would pass the information on. It may be they think I'm mad and they are just being polite but I felt I had to give someone the information just in case it helps once I was given it. As I say you may put all this down to coincidence. I don't know what to believe I will keep an open mind because I think there is more to life and death that we will ever understand.
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MarieSte,
I've read that that's one of the ways to tell if a "dream" visit/appearance by a dead loved one is actually a real visitation -- if the person sort of cuts into a regular dream, having nothing to do with whatever that dream was about, and if it feels "more real than real". So maybe the dreams you had really were visitations from your boyfriend.
I wish that would happen to me.
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Thank you for the advice bluebird as I don't know what to believe but I will keep an open mind and go with the flow. I think he still connects with my thoughts. I didn't write poems before he died and I believe he helps me to write them. I believe he sends me songs too that have messages in them-hence my latest poem. If they were visits I wish there were more. I wish you could have a visit from your husband too. Does the name Lionel mean anything to you. The name just popped in my head as I wrote this.
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I have had possible signs from my husband, but I find that I am not able to maintain for long any faith that they are actually signs from him, rather than wishful thinking on my part. I so much need to know that my husband still exists, that he is ok, that he is still himself, and that we will be together again, that I can't just "choose to believe", I need to know.
I hope you do receive more visits or thoughts or poems or whatever you feel connects you to your boyfriend. I really wish my husband would come to me in a way that I could not doubt; i REALLY wish he would literally come to me, appear before me and speak with me while i'm awake, but if that's not possible then a real visitation dream would be good. I honestly don't know if a visitation dream would be enough to convince me, but it's better than nothing.
The name "Lionel" doesn't mean anything as far as i don't know anyone by that name, but it kind of does have meaning in another way (character in a tv show about love that we used to watch), so thank you.
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Bluebird I'm glad the name had some meaning as it maybe your husband was trying to send you a message of love through me. I also kept getting a pain in my head. I also wish my boyfriend would just appear and I would know it was real as like you I need to know he still exists in some form but also I want to be able to still communicate with him in some way until we are reunited.
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Do you generally have medium/psychic abilities (if you don't mind my asking)?
I do have psychic abilities, or used to, though they've done me no good in communicating with my husband so they're useless. As a result (maybe), I have had two or three different people relay to me what they say are messages from my husband, so I wouldn't be surprised if it was happening again.
That is, I am always surprised because I really don't know if there is an afterlife, but if there is then it doesn't surprise me that my beloved is trying to contact me in any way he can.
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Bluebird I'm not aware of any abilities although as a child I had a couple of dreams were I saw scenes and events and then the same scenes events happened later exactly as I had dreamed them. Since my boyfriend died there have been a few things I've noticed especially him connecting with my thoughts and sending me messages he knows I will pick up on. I tried to put them down to coincidence but they are happening more and more. Now I just keep my mind open to any possibility and think well what will be will be. If I think he sends me a thought or message I acknowledge it and next time I visit his grave -every weekday I say thank you and just tell him about what's happening in my life. I try to keep him updated as if he were still alive. I'm sure your beloved will keep trying to contact you, so try to keep an open mind. I know it's hard and as you say if we could see them for real then we would truly believe but maybe things don't always appear as we want them too maybe we have to just listen to our hearts and open our minds to endless possibilities but keep a mental note of what we are seeing or hearing to see if it makes sense to us.
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I don't seem to be able to trust anything anymore, though, especially my own perceptions/intuition, which I used to trust very much.
I was agnostic, but believed that if there was a god then it was probably a loving god. I am no longer able to believe that, my perception was wrong; if there is a god, then I feel that it betrayed me by allowing my husband to die when he did.
I believed that my husband and I would live and grow old together; I was wrong.
I try to keep an open mind, but my mind and heart and soul hold nothing but grief, and love for my husband. There is no room for faith.
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Bluebird try not to think of it as faith if your mind is blocked through grief. As you say just believe what you can see and that you know is real. Just let the love you hold for him be your guide but be open to any signs or messages.
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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I too have felt a sort of betrayal feeling because unknowingly, I think I relied on an "inner sense" for a long time. I didn't even define it as being "psychic", I only know now this is what I was experiencing because of my research spurred by my son's passing. Found out from many sources, some I have been able confirmed first hand, how one can often sense their own death point. It definitely put a different perspective on my son's passing and challenged my belief system which has sinced changed. One of the blog post's I came across early on was Yaz Rooney's who lost her son shortly before age 22. https://yazrooney.wordpress.com/2012/10/24/the-death-instinct-a-tim...
I have struggled greatly now with knowing that pre-death warnings can come. (source of guilt). Thanks for your honesty.
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