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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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I just read your post Val and those words from Emmanuel Swedenbourg really helped - thank you.
It's been almost 17 months since my darling husband passed and I could have never imagined the mental anguish and the pain of losing him. I thought I'd experienced grief when I lost my Dad and then Mum - and although I loved them dearly, the pain of losing my beloved has been devastating, to the point of suicide - it's been truly unbearable. The two things that stopped me were that I promised my love that I wouldn't and also that I couldn't inflict this level of suffering on others. Beyond that, and for myself, I would rather die - and I wish for that every waking moment. All I pray for now is that my love, my soulmate is peaceful, loved and cared for and that I can shed this useless body and go home to him. All that's left without him is a lump of flesh, just existing through each long and lonely day without him here to share everything with.
I've read a lot since he passed and realise that God isn't a person or an individual entity somewhere 'out there'. God is a name given by Churches/ religions throughout the ages. My understanding and faith has changed and now I sense that God is universal love. I also know that we are just here temporarily having a human journey. For some of us - especially those of us who are in the throes of intense and unremitting grief, the journey is hard and painful. For me, the human journey is now too painful to endure. My grief has beaten the life out of me and now this body just exists. Sad,y I find nothing to live for, have no hopes or expectations of life. No interests whatsoever. I do want our loved ones to be well and happy, but for me, life is over and I get through each day only because there's a pulse.
So I earnestly pray to my darling - who is always with me - let me come home my love. I can't live without you, and existence is meaningless. My love for my husband is more than my own life and that won't ever change.
I pray to God who is universal love....please let me come home to my darling. This minute - I'm ready and I'm not afraid.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Pam,
I completely agree with this: " For some of us - especially those of us who are in the throes of intense and unremitting grief, the journey is hard and painful. For me, the human journey is now too painful to endure. My grief has beaten the life out of me and now this body just exists. Sad,y I find nothing to live for, have no hopes or expectations of life. No interests whatsoever. I do want our loved ones to be well and happy, but for me, life is over and I get through each day only because there's a pulse."
I don't believe that there's a god; if some sort of universal force of love is all there is, which is certainly possible, then fine, but to me that is not "god". Quite honestly, I no longer care if there is a god -- if there is, then s/he has betrayed me, and I have no use for her/him. All I care about is my husband, and being with him (and, of course, I also care about my other loved ones -- my parents, sister, brother-in-law, and our pets, and eventually want to be with them in the afterlife as well, assuming there is one).
I also absolutely feel this way: "My love for my husband is more than my own life and that won't ever change."
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I am sixty years old..I have a gut feeling I won't be on this earth that long. My feelings are telling me get to my house in order. Since my Husband passing I am going with feelings more. Why? Less two weeks before my Husband passing,I was saying to my girlfriend,"17 years are not enough to be with my Husband." It was though I was talking past tense. My body and mind is completely stress out due all this hard grieving that I have endured for my Husband.Also I'm smoking more than ever and not because I want to kill myself by smoking,it's just a stress reliever for me. I know now I will never quit smoking. So if die from smoking oh well. Eventually I will get sick because my body will not be able to take the beating of grieving,stressing and smoking. I feel once I get my house in order my time will be up on this earth. If I die I'm not afraid of it,I will welcome it with open arms.
What's really weird! I had image in mind that I ignore for many years. The image that was projected in my mind was my Husband greeting me when I crossed over.The photo at his memorial is the say image I had in my mind. Strange.. Which meant he was going die before me. So now I am more in tuned to my clairvoyance and my feelings.
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Val
Like you I smoke more now which does act as a stress reliever. I too am almost 60 and had similar feelings about getting my house in order as my time here is almost over. Unfortunately I haven't functioned for 17 months - well not enough to actually get my house in order. You've prompted me to think about that and actually do something.
Before my beloved passed I was always full of life, hope , I was motivated and pretty strong. I now know that wasn't me at all...it was us being us and my Husband who was my love, my life force, my meaning and purpose. When he died, so did I in the sense of living -now its an existence. Like you, I've no fear of death - none whatsoever, and my only hope is that it will be ....not tomorrow or next week/month but NOW.
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Pam
I totally feel the same way. My Husband was my rock! Now without my Husband I don't think I will make it without. He did everything for me. It seems sometimes I'm hanging on a thread and want to go mad. How do I continue to live like this? I don't know. I know for a fact this kind stress effects the body in someway. I really don't want to die but feeling emotional pain every day is hell which makes feel I want to die. Nothing really makes me joyous and happy since my Husband passing,even my grandson can't fill the void.
I don't blame God for my Husband's death and still I have faith because God has be good to me. Death is natural part of life. We all going to die sooner or later. I believe God is too loving to allow us to be separated from our decease loved ones for eternity. In the book Hello of Heaven there are 3,000 accounts how our decease loved ones have communicated to their family and friends. I had two signs from my Husband on Xmas Day and I had visitation dream just a few days from him. Most dreams are symbolic and confusing,this dream was literal or short and to the point. I never thought I would believe this stuff,but now I do. For all us who feel great emotional pain of losing our loved ones there is significance proof there is life after life and I found some comfort knowing my Husband will be together again forever.
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I feel the same as Pam, too. However, unlike you Val, I do want to die, and I if there is a god then I do blame that god for my husband's death (I am essentially an atheist, so I very much doubt there is a god -- but if there is, s/he did not prevent my husband's death).
Yes, death is a natural part of life, but not at age 40 one week after our wedding, which is when my husband died. If he died at 80, I would still be devastated but not in quite the same way. Having it happen how and when it did, though, is a big "Fuck you both" from god, if there is a god.
I know that this stress does affect the body, and I am glad for it -- I'm hoping that it kills me more quickly. I wish I would have gotten "broken heart syndrome" and died from it shortly after my husband died; I am angry that I didn't, and I don't understand why I didn't.
I have read Hello from Heaven (I am actually rereading it now), and while I think most of the people relating their stories are probably being truthful, and I do like the book, their stories don't convince me of the existence of an afterlife...I wish they did. I have had possible signs from my husband, but I find myself unable to believe them for long. There is literally nothing in the universe more important to me than knowing my husband still exists, is still himself, is happy & well, and that we will be together again. Because of this, I find myself unable to believe possible signs for longer than a few moments, because they might only be my own wishful thinking.
If you are able to have faith in the continued existence of your husband, then you are very lucky, and I am envious. Nothing makes me happy now, and nothing ever will, until I die and am hopefully reunited with my love.
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I am so sorry Bluebird. I know the pain is horrible because I feel it too. However,I'm trying to find some nuggets of joy that will at least give me some moments of peace and happiness. I find these nuggets of joy when I'm with my good friends and my mind is not thinking about my Husband.
Today was ok for me because I rented my last room in my home. The woman was interesting to talk and fun. These are nuggets of joy I find once in awhile. In time I will be with my Husband forever because he said through a medium,"he will never let me go once he see me." The medium said,my Husband spirit came out so profoundly just to tell me,he will always love me and he always be with me every time I need him.
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Val,
I'm replying to my own post because for some reason I can't reply to your reply to my post -- this has happened before, and I think maybe there are only a certain number of replies that can be made in a section of a thread, or something.
Anyway, I know you are feeling this horrible pain too, and I am sincerely glad for you that you want to and can find some nuggets of joy. It sounds as though the woman you're renting to is someone you will get along with, maybe become friends with. Are you renting out a few rooms in your home?
I absolutely believe that my husband still loves me and will always love me, if there is an afterlife in which he exists at all. I really wish I had faith that such an afterlife exists. I'm not saying it doesn't, I'm saying I don't know. You are truly lucky or blessed that you do have that faith.
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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on
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Val Harden I just wanted to say thank you so much for your nuggets of joy that you find and post . Indeed they provide me with some moments of peace and comfort. I've read some of your comments and it is a great testament to you that you continually try to help others as you deal with your own grief which can be overpowering on its own. I just wanted you to know that your comments are read and do help ease my grief and for that I thank you from my heart. Bless you.
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I been going to grief counseling,the one that has truly has help with my deep grieving for my husband is found a external to deal with the internal. For example,one rainy day I was having a real bad and so I called my sis (recent know as by best girlfriend). While she comforting in my grief she said to me, your pool is about to overflow. At that point had no time to grieve but to call he pool guy to pump the water out of the pool. My mind was focus on the external that relieves the internal. Normally my Husband would have done this.
In June both me and my Husband became foster parents of "his" grand-daughter and plan to be her legal guardians in Feb. 2015. Well my Husband died and left me and my grand daughter in broken pieces. At that point had no clue want I going to do with our grand-daughter. To raise her alone without my Husband seem impossible and due do to her up bringing she has serious issues like stealing,lying and problems with female authority. I had doubts about myself,like if could not take care of myself how can take care of her. I was such emotional mess and confused there was no way I could take care of her long term. So once mind cleared a little I decide to keep her long term. However,she started lying,stealing and had no respect for me. I told myself I was done with her and was calling the social worker the next day. I told social worker to find other home before end of school. My sis decide to be her foster care parent. As I thought about that,I felt lonely without her and she didn't want to leave me. Majority of friends said she will keep me going. Sure of enough she is keeping me going. Then I change mind and decide to commit long term in raising her. In the last two days she been giving me problems. In the mist of own of my emotional despair I didn't realize until today my grand-daughter is my external to relieve of my internal. Since last two days I have focus on grand-daughter and less grieving for my husband. I know I sound technical but that's not how it real is.
Since my Husband passing me and grand-daughter have developed a special bond that connects my love for my Husband and her love for her Papa John. We have found we need each other and love each other. After my Husband's passing I was lost and now I'm not. The truth was revealed to me today. I have meaning and purpose in my life again. Thank You God for my Grand Daughter.
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Val I hope you noticed my thank you comment that I posted yesterday. Thank you also for explaining the internal verses external theory. I'm so pleased you have found a purpose-your granddaughter. Bless you.
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Roger,
I'm sorry your wife died, and that you are in this horrible situation too.
I do not believe in "god", and while i don't know whether or not there is an afterlife, i don't believe that the existence of an afterlife is dependent upon the existence of a god. If there is an afterlife, i WILL be with my husband in that afterlife. I choose my husband.
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