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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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I truly feel for you Apple & my heart goes out to you and your children. My husband died at an older age, but it hasnt made my grief any less painful. I miss his being, his essence, every hair on his beautiful head...everything about him. Nothing and no one makes me feel any better & I've tried..... pills, counselling, having family to visit. But its all superficial - nothing makes a difference and I end up exhausted and sobbing.
I don't venture far, so don't really come up against the sharks out there...well someone contacted me once - sniffing around, but I told them to never contact me again. Like you, I can't bear those things without my darling, so I'm pretty much a recluse now.
I wouldn't and couldn't ever be intimate with anyone else - not even as a friend. Not that I'm in the least bit attractive because I'm not - but I'm not interested in how I look, or what I wear or even if I'm clean. Absolutely don't care. It's so different to when my husband was here - it mattered to him (well a bit because we loved each other for better or worse). Nothing matters now he's gone.
My ONLY wish is that I'll soon be gone & with him again.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Pam,
Thanks, but it didn't come from courage, it came from desperation and despair. Still, i'm glad if my honesty has helped you. I got so sick of reading platitudes about there being a purpose and all the rest of it -- sometimes life just fucking sucks, and that's all there is to it. And even if there is some "greater purpose", I don't care. My husband should still be here with me.
Like you, I know my family wants me to stay here, and I get that, but at the same time I kind of feel like if they really wanted me to be happy they would let me go.
Your explanation for the exhaustion makes sense. I could do anything when my husband was here with me, because he was here with me. His soul and mine are intertwined, so now my soul is shredded, and there is no point to my life. It is nothing but a misery that I no longer want.
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Bluebird
Yes - I can see that it was despair rather than courage. I used to be able to choose just the right word or phrase - well it came naturally. But now - I find writing takes such effort. It doesn't flow. But nothing flows now. Everything is an effort and I feel tired and drained from the smallest task. Nothing brings any satisfaction, but I don't expect it to without my love to share with.
I do understand what you mean about 'if my family really wanted me to be happy they'd let me go.' Same here. But my family haven't experienced this loss so cannot understand it. I would have been the same before my darling died. I read this recently "no one can understand suicide unless they have felt suicidal.' Ditto losing a spouse/soulmate, losing a child, and the despair that goes with it.
I am grateful that he thoughts of suicide have lessened. I still pray to die - today and every day.
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Zell
Tuesday must have been awful for you, and it must be so draining - well almost impossible - to be constantly interacting with people.
I get that you feel your brain is fried, the forgetfulness & emptiness. I can concentrate for short spells but then I run out of what little energy I have (well its almost zero to be honest). I used to fly through everything & Multi tasking was easy. All that's changed - I'm the complete opposite. My beloved isn't here: he was my spirit,my joy and my motivation. I loved life then - even the hard parts because together we could overcome anything. Can't do it without him & there's no point without him.
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Ive found the distractions seem only to 'work' for a short time, holding back the dam of grief, despair, exhaustion until all those emotions flood through. They are so powerful & are completely overwhelming. Does it feel the same for you Zell?
Added to all this is sleep depravation...so there's no peace in the 24 hour cycle. Perhaps the sleep clinic will help Zell - if only to help you 'escape' from the reality of your heartbreaking loss. I do 'escape' but not into a restorative sleep - its a fitful sleep so each morning I'm exhausted and so very disappointed to have woken (as I didn't die in the night), so still here to face yet another day without my love.
The only consolation is that this body must be wearing out faster than someone who eats well, exercises & sleeps well. I don't do any of those things - why would I want to prolong my existence anyway? I've read that loneliness reduces life expectancy & can have a similar detrimental affect as obesity, smoking, alcohol etc. Well I can't describe how lonely I am with my love. I would never ever have had these thoughts before he passed away. -
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Sorry for all your losses Ladies. I know how all of you feel. My beloved Husband died on Sept 20,2014. For me I wanted to kill myself to be with my Husband too. But the Grace of God I see a tiny bit of light. When reading the comments you Ladies wrote I feel so sad and for myself. Reading your comments makes me realize I don't want to live in utter hell in desperately missing my Husband rest of my life. When my Husband died a part of me died with him and nothing will replace that void. I believe in the after life and for me to give up on life only makes it more difficult to be reunited with my Husband when I pass on. Those who survive their deceased love one it's only a test by God in how we deal with life difficulties and hardship. This how become spiritual by learning and growing through our difficulties and hardship in life on this earth. What's ever I had left of me I will find some joy and happiness with my Children and Grand Babies. To allow myself unhappy for the rest of my life seems worst than my Husband's death and to suffer day in day out is horrible. My Husband is with me and still loves by providing signs. Since his passing he has communicating to me in Spirit. I was a never a believer of spirits communicating after death..But now I am! My Husband and I were golfers and we played all the time together. 3 days after my husband's passing my Grand Daughter presented me with pink shinny golf ball. She was walking home school when she notice on the front left tire of my Husband's truck a pink objective,as she got closerto the truck she found it was a golf ball. Also I had reading which gave me peace and hope in knowing my Husband loves me deeply and he said in Spirit,"once he see me he will never let me go." A situation happen in our marriage only I and Husband knew about she was spot on about. When I remember our love it doesn't hurt me but when I remember the fun,warm,loving and tender memories it becomes so painful I just break down and cry. I just pray to God to heal me so I can fulfill God's purpose on this earth and let me pass so I can be with my Husband.
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Val,
I'm sorry that your husband died. You are lucky that you have a belief in an afterlife; if I had that kind of belief, I think this horrorshow would be just the tiniest bit better, because at least I would know that my husband still exists, that he is still himself, that he is happy & well, and that we will be together again. As it stands now, I have no assurance of any of that.
Why do you believe that if you give up on life it would make it more difficult to be reunited with your husband after you die? (I assume you aren't referring to suicide here; it seems more as though you mean just not caring about life, etc.). I agree that this constant suffering is horrible, but there is no other way for me now. My husband is dead, so my spirit is dead, and that will not change unless/until I die and am reunited with my beloved.
It's good you've had "signs" you believe are from your husband. I have had some signs, and sometimes in the moment of their occurrence I am able to briefly believe they may be from my husband, but then I very quickly begin to doubt them -- there is nothing more important to me than knowing my love still exists, is happy, is still himself, and that we will be together again soon, so I am aware of how easy it is for me to interpret things as signs from him even though they may very well be nothing more than my own wishful thinking (I'm not saying that's what's happening with you, I'm only speaking of my own situation).
I do have a reading coming up in May with a reputable medium, but I don't know what will happen, or if I will be able to believe what she says even if it does seem legit. For me, the only way to really know is to die and be with him.
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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Said a prayer for you Bluebird for the upcoming reading...I have one scheduled at the end of this month...
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Thank you, Laurie. I hope yours goes well and you hear from Jesse and find some peace.
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Permalink Reply by Robin on
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I am so relieved to hear of your readings. I had scheduled one for myself earlier today. I thought I was losing my mind. But, truth is I feel like I have lost my mind and if a medium can relieve this pain even a small bit I'll take it!! I hope you both find some peace along this journey we are forced to take. For me losing my husband has been a nightmare I cannot escape. If it wasn't for my children I'm sure I would of killed myself. I want to be with him more than I want air to breathe. My faith has also been shook to the point I don't know what I believe any longer. I know I had an angel beside me while he was here on earth. I only hope he is still with me. Like you bluebird I long to know my beautiful Joe is ok, happy, and safe. I drive myself mad daily screaming for a sign that he is safe. I have yet to believe in any signs. I wish one would just smack me in the face! Instead I have grief and loneliness smacking me in The face.
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Robin,
For me, my husband's death is a nightmare I can't escape, too. I don't believe this life is real, anymore. This is just waiting, horrible & painful waiting. There are two reasons I haven't killed myself -- I promised my family I wouldn't, and if there is an afterlife I don't know if I would be with my husband right away if I did. I don't know if any of that will stop me forever, though. I will not live for years this way, I simply refuse.
I don't believe there's such a thing as "hell" (at least, not as portrayed in the Judeo-Christian mythology......though what I'm living now is absolutely a kind of hell), and I don't think I should be kept from my husband no matter what, but who knows. I don't believe in a loving god, so who knows. I've been agnostic for many years, but I was a "hopeful agnostic", in that I hoped there was a loving god. My husband's death, though, has proven to me that there is not. I no longer care if there's a god, anyway, I only care about being with my beloved again, and eventually with my other loved family members as well.
I have had possible "signs", but I cannot keep faith in any of them for long. I need to KNOW that my husband still exists, that he is still himself, that he is happy & well, and that he and I will be together again, as soulmates and spouses. Possible signs are not enough. And if I cannot be with my husband in the way I have described, I would rather cease to exist at all, in any way, physically or spiritually or anything.
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Why do you believe that if you give up on life it would make it more difficult to be reunited with your husband after you die? (I assume you aren't referring to suicide here; it seems more as though you mean just not caring about life, etc.). Answer to your question-Yes I did have thoughts of suicide. When I had my reading with a Medium my Husband Spirit told her,I will find a deeper love with Him in Heaven,but I must die a natural death to see and be with my Him after I cross over because if I commit suicide I will need counseling before I can be with my Husband Spirit and I will lose the experience of the joyous moment being with Husband when I cross over to the other side. You see when you cross over to the other side you take your regrets with you. The regrets you have when you commit suicide is that you hurt you love ones on earth and you feel their pain. The pain is so hurtful to you because you have caused emotional pain towards your love ones on earth and the result is you might never forgive yourself and see your husband again. That's the hell in the afterlife feeling the pain you have caused the people you have love on earth.
Since my last post I had other signs from Husband spirit. Just last night for the first time since my Husband passing I had dream visitation. It only lasted less than minute but it was vivid. I was in my home calling"John where are you" as I turned the corner into the hallway there was my Husband with big smile in front of our bedroom door. I had 3 other signs during the holidays,witnessing my phone cell was turned on when I never shut it off to begin with,a google search was done on the song "Tis the Season" (to be jolly) I know I would never search this song because I hate listening to Christmas music because it depresses me and getting another 2 withheld call on my cell phone. Since my Husband passing I have gotten 24 withheld calls and none before his passing. The withheld calls never ring. Finally a hour ago I got call with a 313-414-15 and then I called it back,it said the call can't go through. My Husband's love was unconditional for me and he told my Grand Daughter there was no words to describe his love for me. My dear Friend told me,I was blessed that I receiving all these signs from beloved Husband and to accept them as gifts from him and be grateful that his great love for me continues to live on even after death. Knowing my beloved Husband who is was forceful person in life, he would do anything to get through to tell me,he stills love,he still with me and anytime I need he will be there. I can on and on other signs he gave me and how he is still taking care of me by many human angels who come into my life either to give me emotional support,financial support or to protect my safety. Believe me I was a non-believe of the after life but not no more! There is far too much evidence to ignore there is after life.
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