Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 11, 2014 at 11:06pm

Pam, I so wish I could just switch my body off, too. The best I can do, without actively killing myself, is to just not take care of my body and hope that it dies soon.

As you said about you and your love -- my husband and I are not meant to be apart like this, and the sooner this mistake is rectified, the better.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 11, 2014 at 11:04pm

mmorgan,

I'm sorry you are living this hell, too.  Sometimes I hesitate, in forums like this, to say how I really feel, because the last thing I want to do is to make anyone else feel worse, or to make anyone else suicidal, or to take away anyone else's hope. At the same time, I was just getting more angry reading (some) other people's posts which were kind of "looking on the bright side", when as far as I'm concerned there is no bright side, or ,as you said "glossing over what the death of your love does". When I finally found some posts/threads that said things straight out about how fucking horrible this is and always will be, at least for some of us, it was a bit of a relief, I'll tell you. So insofar as any of my posts can do that for someone else, I'm glad to hear it.

I hope we are each reunited with our soulmates very soon.

 

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Permalink Reply by morgan on November 12, 2014 at 12:21am

Bluebird,

I don't know that any of us can feel worse.  Defensive about what techniques we use to cope but certainly not worse.  

You impress me as a woman who knows herself well enough to be truthful and tactful.  I have not read anything you have written to be offensive or aggressive.  You state your feelings.  For me that is what a blog like this is meant to be….. for those of us who are clinging to the thread of what was and have no use for what is, being truthful is the best way I know how to transmit the depth of this pain I endure, especially if it allows someone else to know that they are not experiencing anything other than what shaking hands with death deals us.  It is for me a way to know that I am standing amongst others who also find their prior reality gone on the wind that blew through.  That I am dealing with the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and it is something that only others who have experienced loss of such deep love understand. 

It is late tonight and I am tired and need to do something other than stare at this computer.  It has become both a lifeline and cement boots.  For me I can only hope that my body gets more frail.  I am unable to continue this charade mentally and yet physically I still hang on.  I wonder why I deserve such punishment because for me life on earth has become a living hell.  The spirit that grounded me and made me whole is gone.  There is nothing more for me. Such vocal expression (in writing) makes me hopeful that my neural pathways are listening.  Laying down tracks that will make my wish come true.  Maybe wishes can come true.     

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Permalink Reply by Pam on November 12, 2014 at 5:07am

M Morgan

May I say that you express your feelings and perceptions so eloquently. I feel exactly as you. My spirit was entwined with my husbands, and when he passed, my spirit passed with him. All that remains is flesh and bones...just an empty carcass being dragged around. This is an existence and I will never truly live again. That's fine because I don't want to even exist without my darling. There is no point. As you say, writing may be a conduit to changing neural pathways - which I hope will trigger this carcass to stop functioning.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 12, 2014 at 10:14am

m morgan,

I definitely know myself well enough to be truthful, and I try to be tactful but don't always succeed.  But absolutely I never intend to be offensive or aggressive (except towards the idiot who posted her scammy shit on my thread). I agree that a site like this is, in part, meant to help show us that we are not alone insofar as other people are in a similar kind of pain.

I have been told, though, that expressing my continued anger towards god (if there is one) and asserting that I will always be in mourning and will never want whatever is left of my life, can be harmful to others who visit these sites. And maybe that is so, but at the same time for some other people (like you, apparently), seeing that there are others who feel as desolate as they do, others who will never recover even slightly from this horror, helps them a bit. 

You said that you wonder why you deserve such punishment. My guess is that you don't. I know that I don't -- I am not perfect, by any means, but I am a good person, and my husband was a very good person, and neither of us deserves this, which is why I don't believe there's any kind of loving god.

Slightly off topic, but I wanted to say (in case you aren't already aware), that you have a talent for written expression. I'm a writer, and I always notice language ability in others -- and "shaking hands with death", while a horrible thing in actuality (as we both know), is a great turn of phrase.

Anyway, I truly do hope that both of us (well, all of us, who want to) are reunited with our soulmates very, very soon.

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Permalink Reply by Apple on November 14, 2014 at 5:36pm

Bluebird,

Thank you for your genuine expressions of what you are feeling. I feel exactly the feelings you have expressed. My husband of 25 years died 6 years ago at the age of 48 from pancreatic cancer. I want to know....WHY...and platitudes and cliches bring NO comfort. I too understand the desire to leave this world and join my one true love and father of my children. I am writing to support your authentic and bold expressions of feelings that are understood only by those who have traveled the same journey...thank you for taking the lead and staying true to what you feel.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 14, 2014 at 8:56pm

Apple, thank you for saying that. I do worry sometimes that what I say will make it difficult for other people to heal if that's possible for them and what they want, but that is not my intent. So I'm glad if, when I express how I truly feel about my husband's death and my life that I no longer want, it helps someone else to know that they are not alone, that not everyone "moves on" from particular deaths, and that whatever you are feeling is valid.

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Permalink Reply by Apple on November 15, 2014 at 7:11am

Bluebird,

Yes, you help me to know I am not alone and I am sure many others. People try to cheer me up...in their minds...or make me feel guilty because I am not believing or hoping or whatever ...enough...I am done with all that...when others continue to do that I bring to my mind C. S. Lewis' words..."then I fear that they do not understand."...which is exactly the case. Again, please continue to be a voice of authenticity for yourself and to inspire others.

Permalink Reply by morgan on November 16, 2014 at 12:33am

I don’t know how to do this anymore.  I spend my entire day doing “things” to occupy the hours and as I do them I find myself wondering why?  Who cares that I am working to pay bills?  Who will be there when I walk in the door?  What use is all the doing of “things” when there is no one to share the victories or the calamities?  I really don’t know how I am going to continue in this sham of a charade I have set up.  I have a sister who wants to be instrumental in helping heal me enough so that I can appreciate some semblance of life’s offerings.  She believes that as time passes I will have more strength and be resilient to the arrows.  She has no idea how long 24 hours is for me.   No one does. 

Today my mind told me that my husband didn’t want for me to throw away everything we had worked so hard for during our 35 years.  He has left me means and ways to live.  And then I ask myself.  Live?  How is this life?  Life is meant to be lived with love.  Some people are lucky and get to be with a person who fills them up.  Fills them by nurturing the good and forgetting what is unimportant.  How do I go on when he is no longer my counsel?  How do I live when the furnace is no longer alive with the flame of our fire?  How am I supposed to bring myself to a place that enjoys banality?  He was everything I enjoyed about life.  Art, nature, passion.  Elemental, fundamental.  Connected only to that which is truly important.  Giving himself to me no holds barred.  How do I accept/transition/ enjoy less?  I don’t know how.

I do know that now when I cry which continues to happen daily, sometimes several times a day I feel a physical pain in the center of my chest.  It is a very raw sore feeling that when I breathe while crying is getting extremely painful.  The pain is enough to deter me from wanting to cry but there are moments that I just cannot hold it back.  My throat is also swelling at the same time.  It hurts.  And no I am not going to see a physician.  People just don’t understand how little I value life.  I am sure I have damaged something internally in my esophagus and I feel like maybe I will get my wish.  If it does happen I can only hope that my husband’s energy will be there to embrace me once again and our lifeforce will be re-established.  I so want to believe that the universe has a way to bring us together on a different level after this manifestation of matter dissolves into entropy.

Yes, everyone seems to think that feeling their love once their physical being is gone is somehow an easy connection to make if you just trust/believe enough.  Somehow this “god”, or  time, or other substitutes will be enough.  For me there is no “other” connection.  HE was it.  HE was the man who made my internal clock tick.  He made room for me in his life.  And now HE is no longer here.  I cannot do this much longer.  I just don’t know how. 

Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 16, 2014 at 3:18pm

m morgan,

It's the opposite for me. I have a job, only because I have no choice, and while there I do the work I'm supposed to do, though i'm nowhere near as good at it as I would have been prior to my husband's death.  But anyway -- I don't work on Wednesdays, Saturdays or Sundays, and on those days I just stay in the apartment as much as I possibly can. I don't want to do anything, or go anywhere, or see anyone. There would be no point to me doing things to occupy my time, because no matter where I am or who I am with or what I am doing, I am always thinking about my husband, and thinking about how much I love and miss him, and how horrible life is now without him.  Sometimes I have to go do food shopping, or go to my sister's to do laundry, etc., but I prefer it when I don't have to do those things. 

My husband died in September 2012, and in March 2014 I had to move out of the apt. we had shared together -- it was an apartment that was part of a house (separate entrance, separate patio, etc.), and the owners of the house (our landlords) were divorcing and selling the house. They were very nice people, but of course their personal situation made it worse for me, because now not only had my husband died, but I had no choice but to leave the place that was our home together (the new homeowners did not want a tenant).  My new apt. is nice, and I do prefer not living kind of "with" our landlords (even though we all got along well), but at the same time I wish I had been able to stay there, because I have memories with my husband there, whereas I don't in this new apt.  If I'd had the money, I would have bought that house myself, but I can barely afford this apt.

Anyway, I know what you mean about not caring, because what is the point when your soulmate isn't there when you walk in the door. Earlier today I made a cup of coffee/cocoa (half of each), steaming hot, good in this cold weather, and as I was carrying it into the living room I thought "Well if (my husband) were still here, this would be lovely and cozy; we would sit on the couch together and read our books, or talk, or watch a documentary on the History Channel, while I drink my coffee/cocoa. But since he isn't, this is not cozy at all, and never will be again."

My family is a lot like your sister, in that they want to help me heal so that I can start to enjoy some things in life.  They simply do not understand that that is never going to happen. It makes me feel like shit, because the person they love (me) is gone. My mother has told me she feels like her child has died, and I responded that she has (I have). I hate that my family has to be put through this pain too, not only the pain of my husband dying (they love him too), but then also the pain of knowing that I have no desire to live, and that their love for me cannot change that. At least, I think my Mom, sister and BIL understand that, but my Dad still seems to think that with time I will feel at least a little bit better. I love him, but it is very frustrating that he keeps believing that even though I've told him that will never happen. I suppose it just makes him feel better, I don't know.  I get what you mean about your sister having no idea how long 24 hours is for you, though.  Every day is just slogging through, crying, constant anguish, for me.  What is the fucking point of this life?!? There isn't one. It's not only that my husband has died, which is the second-worst part of this (the worst part is that I don't know if he still exists, and is ok, and is himself, and that we will be together again)....but everything else has gone to shit as well.  I used to be agnostic, now i'm sort of agnostic/atheist, but if there is a god then s/he's a fucking bastard as far as i'm concerned, so any faith I may have had is gone too.  Any chance of me ever having a child with my soulmate, or at all, is also gone (I have always wanted to be a mom, and would have been a great one, but I don't want a child unless s/he is mine and my husband's, and also I could never afford a child now).  Any participation in life or the world, on my part, is gone. My ability to be a good daughter, sister, sister-in-law, is gone. My intelligence is gone (seriously -- my brain simply does not work as it used to). My husband and I had financial problems, but now my financial problems are worse, and I will never have the ability to make that situation any better unless I win the lottery or something.

I'm sorry, I know i'm rambling, and I don't mean to discount or gloss over your post, it's just set off some things in me.

I know it doesn't help to hear that you are at least lucky to have had so much time with your husband, but I am envious of that.  My husband and I were together for almost 13 years, married for 1 week, when he died. That is nowhere near enough time, and especially the fact that he dies one week to the day after our wedding is a big "Fuck You Both" from god (if there is one), as far as i'm concerned.  Anyway, my husband and I didn't have time to achieve most of what we wanted to achieve; we had no money, no savings, no house, etc.  Believe me, you are at least a little bit lucky that your husband "....left [you] means and ways to live."  My husband never got that chance, and while of course the death of our husbands is the worst thing, having piled on top of that not knowing if I will be able to keep paying my rent, or pay for heat this winter, or buy food, etc., just makes it all that much worse.  I would rather have my husband here and be homeless, if that were the trade-off, but since he is not here, at least if I could just have enough money to buy a small house and live modestly for however long I am forced to be in this life, without having to work or at least having some kind of financial cushion that meant I wasn't living paycheck-to-paycheck and relying on my Dad to pay for my Obamacare and help me out financially otherwise, then I could just stay in the house and occasionally go over to my sister's and not worry quite so much.  But that's very unlikely to happen.

You and I were both lucky, in that we each were with the person who fills us and nurtures us.  But now, when that's gone, it makes life unliveable.  My husband and I enjoyed doing things together, and we had a few separate interests as well, but we always preferred to be together. I refuse to accept/transition/enjoy less -- I doubt I even could, but regardless, I refuse to. Why the hell would I accept that kind of lesser life? I want and deserve a long & happy life with my husband and the rest of my family, and if I can't have that then I choose no life at all. No lesser life is worth having, to me.

The pain that you're having could be "broken heart syndrome", which can be deadly. If you do want to live, you should probably go see a doctor about it. I wish I had died of it, and I truly don't understand why I didn't.  It pisses me off that I didn't.

I hope that we are each reunited with our husbands. If not, I prefer to just die as soon as possible, as I would truly rather cease to exist altogether, on any level and in any way, than to continue this wretched "life". I do have loving connections with my family (Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother-in-Law), but my connection to my husband is the most important one -- our souls were and are intertwined. 

I don't understand why some people think that if you just "believe", then your dead loved one will be able to come to you. If "belief" is what it takes, then I am seriously fucked, because I have no faith whatsoever.  That is, I have faith that my husband would come to me if he could, and while I have had possible signs, he has not come to me in a visitation, in a way that I cannot write off as my own wishful thinking, and because of that I have serious doubts that he still exists, or that an afterlife exists. If he does still exist, I just want to be with him as soon as possible, and forever. If he does not still exist, I just want to join him in oblivion as soon as possible.

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Permalink Reply by morgan on November 18, 2014 at 10:06pm

Bluebird,

I find it very interesting that you mention about how your mind is gone (that your brain doesn't work as good as it used to).  I have the exact same issue.  I attribute it to brain cells frying because of the constant stress of the crying.  I have several other problems that have erupted since my husbands death that I also believe are neuronal.  At first when I would have to try and explain anything (and I mean anything) I found that the normal flow of select words was just stymied.  My brain would not find the word to convey what I wanted to say.  Sometimes it would be just a very simple conversation but I found expression through words was very limited.  I also spoke very slow trying to verbalize.

 The second neuronal issue I have is that I now stutter when faced with trying to get a more stressful situation solved.  Normally that situation is accompanied by crying too but the stuttering can appear when I am trying not to cry and pretending to not have to explain to someone why I need something done when the basis of my upset is that I am having to do (whatever it is) alone.  Might have been something my husband did or just something we shared in doing, i.e: getting the furnace serviced or getting the tires fixed on the car I just end up a mess.  I can't even share how many places I've broken down in complete meltdown due to having to face doing it alone……….supermarkets, post office, bank…...the list is long. Then the stuttering……so I avoid going to places that I don't have to.  Trying to get anything done now is SOO overwhelming.  My brain is fried.  It seems better if I avoid everything but what is the use of life.  I really don't think it has anything to do with my age because before my beloved died I handled anything and everything with grace or assertiveness but it never crippled me like now.  So when you said your intelligence is gone I read that and see myself in spades.  

 

The other feeling we share is the disbelief that some beneficent diety somehow is pulling the strings in our life.  I get that some people want/need a higher power to transcend mortal tribulations.  Works for them, great.  What really defies all reason for me though is when the rationale for the worst of all pain and suffering (like losing my husband and being left behind) is explained as “his will be done” or that this is just all part of some grand intention planned for our own good when it really seems more like a bad joke gone rogue. I was brought up Catholic and the whole all-powerful trinity in the sky was and still is a huge disappointing fable.  Praying and reciting verse is a feel good exercise yet does not reflect what I am experiencing in everyday reality. Playing at pretend just makes it worse for me.  My husband did not die because it was “his time” and I did not get left behind because there are “other plans” for me.  This is so much bigger than some pie in the sky make believe but right now the most I can do is continue to diminish my health and hope that my own end is near.

There is so much more I could write but I am tired and need to try and wind down so I can get some sleep.  Thank you for listening and expressing the kinds of feelings that let me know that what is happening to me (and you) is the only way left to us and unfortunately it’s all we’ve got. 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 19, 2014 at 5:46pm

My brain definitely doesn't work as well as it used to work. Not that I was a genius, but I was a reasonably intelligent person -- I have an MFA, I'm a published poet, I speak some French, I was a paralegal for 10 years.  Now, I just have no focus, I don't learn well, I seem incapable of critical thinking, I can't make decisions. I can barely drag myself out of bed to go the grocery store or whatever, yet if I don't go to my job and do it at least reasonably well, I will lose my job and not be able to pay my rent and other bills.  This also prevents me from getting a better, harder job which would pay more, and/or where I could work more hours. I simply don't have it in me.

I'm not surprised to hear that it's similar for you. Since my husband died and I started frequenting boards like this, I've read about a lot of other people who have been affected in the same way by the death of a spouse/partner or someone else very close to them.

I have always been very good with words, and still am to some degree, but I have had the "slow speaking" you mentioned (whereas normally I am a "fast talker"), especially in the first few months after my husband died, during which time I also spoke very quietly, whereas normally I am anything but quiet.  I just didn't have the energy to speak, and often still don't. If asked to repeat myself, I usually just said "nevermind", because I didn't have the energy to say it again.

I don't have the stuttering issue you mentioned, but I'm not surprised to hear that you do. Me, I just cry or have a rush of adrenaline and get flushed and panicked. Have you considered, if someone asks you what's wrong, why you're crying or stuttering, just telling them the truth? Personally, I see no reason not to.  It's another energy thing, I guess -- I simply don't have the energy to make shit up, and besides, why should I? It's not my responsibility to pretend i'm ok when i'm not. If someone is going to interact with me, s/he will be interacting with a damaged, broken person who wishes she were dead. Period. Why should I pretend otherwise?

I don't know if that would help you, and I wouldn't say it exactly "helps" me, but it's a bit easier than pretending. I just don't care what other people think of me. I've broken down in places, too. You mentioned the supermarket....well, I used to actually kind of enjoy doing the food shopping, because with the food I bought I would be making dinners for me and my husband, and packing him lunches to take to work, etc. Now, going there only reminds me that I'm only buying food to shove into my own useless body which keeps living despite me wanting to die. I hate seeing couples and families shopping, reminded me of what I've lost.

You said "Trying to get anything done now is SOO overwhelming", and I completely agree. Every little thing in life is so much more difficult now. I used to be a reasonably well-functioning adult, now I can't do anything. I rely way too much on my sister and her husband to help me with regular life stuff (getting the car fixed, getting my taxes done, stuff like that). Like you, before my husband died I could handle most things, but not anymore.  I'm glad I went to grad school when I did, and i'm glad I travelled to Europe when I did, because now I can't and wouldn't want to do either one, nor anything else.

I was agnostic for a long time, but now I just cannot believe that there's any kind of loving god, because no loving god would have done this to my husband, to me, and to my family.  And if there's a god but s/he can't help us, then what is the point? That's not god, as far as I'm concerned. I wish there were some kind of loving god, that would be easier, but I just don't believe there is.  The people who spout bullshit like "it was just his time" or "god's will be done" or "there still something for you to do" can kiss my fucking ass. I feel as you do -- it was NOT my husband's "time" to die, that time would have been at age 80 or 90, while cuddling in bed with me, after we made love. Not at age 40, one week after our wedding. No. Fuck that, and fuck any god that would do that.  As for there being something still for me to do, fuck that too -- my life is done, period. I will never do anything with whatever is left of this hellish life. I was raised Catholic as well, although the church I attended as a child was actually quite good, very inclusive and loving -- not like many Catholic churches, as I found out as an adult. I never really "got" or believed the whole trinity thing, though.  Regardless, even after I became agnostic, when good things happened I gave thanks to god in case there was a god, I didn't only pray for help during bad times. And if there is a god, then s/he betrayed me by allowing my husband to die, so I want nothing to do with her/him anymore. I only want to die and be with my soulmate, and eventually with my other family members as well.

I haven't killed myself because my family doesn't want me to and because I need to be here to take care of our cat (he has some behavior issues, and if I die no one in my family could really take him in, and he would be killed if he were taken to a shelter), and because if there is a god I wouldn't put it past the bastard to try to keep me from my husband if I killed myself. But like you, I just diminish my health by not eating well, not exercising, not going to the doctor, etc. I just hope I die soon.

I really am glad if my words help you and anyone else, because I truly have no desire to make this horror any worse for anyone, but I can't pretend that anything will ever be good for me again or that I will ever again want to live. As I said, I found it helpful when I found other people posting feelings similar to mine, so I'm glad if my posts have helped you in the same way. 

 

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