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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by doris luis on
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GOD bless you all everyone,i am smith esther,i am from oman,i want to share a testimony of my life to every one,i was
married to a man called morgan walood,he is a native of oman,i love him so much,we have been married for 8 good years with a kid,when he went for a contract in birmingham,united kingdom,he meant a lady called queen who charm him with her
beauty,when my husband came home he was acting funny, he told me that he is no longer interested in our marriage any more,
i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend Miss nassra,she also from oman and i
told her about my problem,she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and she introduce me to a
man called Dr. latifat,who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 72 hours,Miss nassra ask me to contact
Dr. latifat,I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his
fore-fathers will fight for me only i follow his instruction,he instructed me to provide some of my family information and
some items required for the spell preparation,He told me in three days he will re-unite me and my husband together, After
three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and
he started crying for forgiveness and that he never knew what came upon him that he will never leave me again and the
kids,it was the spell that was cast on him that was working on him,Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what
this great spell caster did for me and my husband,you can contact Dr.latifat on any problem in this world, he is very
nice, here is his contact email: latifathealingtemple@gmail.com,my brothers and sisters i want you all to understand that
their is no problem he can't solve,i am saying this because i have tested him,if you want to be happy as i am today,you
have to give dr. latifat a chance to help you,all you have to do is to follow his instruction.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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DO NOT spam my thread about my husband with your scammy bullshit!!!!
Admin, please remove "doris luis" scam post from my thread. Thank you.
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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THANK YOU.
On an unrelated note, bluebird, I've been thinking about you lately. Today makes seven months for me, and it just doesn't get any easier. :( Hugs to you, if you want them.
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Thanks, Wander. Hugs to you, too. I'm sorry it's so hard for you, I know how that feels. It's been just over two years since my husband died, and things just get worse for me. I still just want to die. I will always want to die, and I can only hope that it happens soon.
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I really,think administration need to delete this Doris Luis if it is causing unnecessary grief
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Hi bluebird I know exactly how you feel but I know my beautiful husband would be giving me a right telling off for feeling the way I do but he doesn't understand how much he was my life yes I have the dog and I wouldn't leave him fir the world but no one else matters I just want my soul mate to hug me once again
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dawn,
If there is an afterlife, I hope and think that my husband understand why I feel as I do. Hopefully he is able to "see" more than anyone in this life, and therefore understand more & better. I have a wonderful family, and while I love them dearly and they love me dearly, they just aren't enough. It's not their fault; they couldn't love me any more or any better. But they are not my soulmate in the way that my husband is. They are not my future. They are not my soul. But he is.
I have our cat, and I love him and take care of him. I hope he lives a long and happy life, even though I don't want to be here. But I will love him and take care of him for as long as he lives. But when he dies, I will never adopt another pet. I don't want anyone else I love to die, and also I don't want anyone else depending on me because I want to die as soon as possible and so I can't be here to care for anyone else.
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You are like the ghost writer for my life. No children, no religious beliefs, a cat who was really more my husbands when he was alive but I take care of her now and will never have another, family that loves me and I cannot love them back and all I want to do is die.
You express what I too am going through as though I am looking in a mirror when I read what you write. I can only wish for the both of us that our wishes come true because I cannot see making it through another holiday without my beloved. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer on the day after Xmas and died 26 days later. I will never be happy again until I am reunited with him and since it cannot be here then my only and best other option is to die. The best present would be for me to not have to go through another year living without him. He was just too much a part of me. I understand exactly what you write and know you are sincere. It's not just a belief. It's fact. I get it and wish somehow it might be different but know better. Why? Because I am living it.
Your writing was the reason that I was drawn to this site as I was having a hard time not finding anyone else on other sites that spoke of their loss and its effects on them without bringing a lot of other "stuff" of glossing over of what death of your love does. It does bring a certain amount of comfort to know that someone else thinks like I do but doesn't change the fact that I am done with this life, the sooner the better. I know other people don't want to hear it but the truth matters. My love mattered and now it is gone. Vanished. Nothing to hold onto. Memories only make me cry.
Thanks for listening.
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I am exactly the same as both of you. I do have a daughter and grandchildren, a loving family and wonderful friends, but all I pray for is to be reunited with my beloved husband. It's been 444 days since he died, and my life ended the day he passed away. Now its a matter of Just existing because this body still functions. There is nothing in this world that I want or need - nothing at all.
If there was an off switch, I'd switch off this body this minute. But there isn't so all I do is pray every moment to die so we can be together as we should always be. We're not meant to be apart like this.
So few people can understand this - but it's the truth & I can't gloss over it.
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I know you do, Zell, and I'm sorry. As you said, "To be alive is to be in pain". And in my opinion, for me there is no longer any point to me life, any reason for me to be alive, other than because that's what my family wants -- but that won't stop me forever, if I don't die naturally at some point.
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