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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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All you can know, at most, is that the people you have known don't always mourn. Some people always do, some don't. I am, and I always will.
Regardless, you didn't andswer my question.
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You doubt what?
And if you aren't invested, why do you keep insisting that everyone here will at some point "move on" and be happy again, when those of us who are actually experiencing this hell know otherwise and are telling you so?
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Permalink Reply by BlackSky on
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I said that because majority people who lost someone they love will always mourn. That's human. You lost your husband 2 years ago, did you? Well 2 years is still new, wait until next few years, I doubt you will always mourn
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BlackSky, you are wrong.
Just to give you an example that is different from that of the people you know: my paternal grandfather died long before I was born, when my Dad was only about 10 years old. My paternal grandmother never "got over" his death, or "moved on", or stopped mourning. She lived to be in her late nineties; she raised her children and did what she had to do, but she never dated again or had a romantic/sexual relationship with any other man (this is based on what my Dad and his older siblings have said, as well as what I saw once I was old enough to take note of such things).
There are also people on this very website whose spouse/partner died longer ago than my husband did, and who are still deeply mourning; there's one man who has been mourning for 16 years (see this thread: http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/forum/topics/how-long-is-normal-f...).
You need to realize that you simply don't know how it is for everyone. No one knows how it is for everyone, partly because no human is omniscient and partly because it just is not the same for everyone. Some people will want to move on with their lives, some won't. Some people will be able to move on with their lives, some won't. Some people will find happiness again, some won't. Some people will always mourn, some won't. To assume that grieving is the same for everyone and that you know how it is for everyone is simplistic and naïve, not to mention condescending.
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Also -- the death of one's soulmate/partner is worse than any other loss, in my experience. When your soulmate dies, you lose your future, the future the two of you were meant to have together. You lose all your dreams and hopes, all the plans you had together, you are separated from the soul with whom you share everything, the person with whom you had or might have had children, the person who shared all the details of your life and who shared all the details of his/her life with you. My husband and I were one. We still are, but now we are fractured, so of course I am broken. Unless/until I am reunited with my soulmate, I will always be broken.
The only death that might compare would be the death of a child, but I haven't experienced that so I can't say for sure. Even the death of one's parents, while awful, I don't think is as bad, even if one is very close to one's parents, as I am, because at least it's part of the natural course of things. I have experienced the death of grandparents, uncles and aunts, and while I loved them, their deaths absolutely did not have the same effect on me as my husband's death. They were tangential to my life, whereas my husband is my life. For many people who are married to or otherwise with the real love of their life, it's the same. The death of a soulmate/spouse/partner is, for some people, insurmountable.
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But your paternal grandma didnt think about suicide did she? The meaning of "move on" doesnt always mean find someone to replace the position of soulmate, do other things can be described as move on
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I honestly don't know if she ever thought about suicide -- it's not something she and I ever discussed.
I am well aware that "moving on" doesn't always or only mean to do so with another partner. That wasn't the only type of moving on I addressed in my post -- as I mentioned, my grandmother never stopped mourning, either. In any case, she is just one example; the man to whose thread I linked is another, I am another, some of the other people who have posted in this thread are others.
I have no desire to do anything with my life. To put it plainly and simply, I just want my life to end. There is nothing here for me.
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I know it doesn't really help, but I am sorry for your losses. I really think that for people like us, our lives are essentially over, and we are just sentenced here. It's part of why I can't believe in a loving god.
You are so right when you say that "grief does not have a timetable", and that each of us processes loss according to a variety of factors. Luckily, I don't have people dumping on me -- my loved ones wouldn't do that, and everyone else can kiss my ass if they try...I don't pretend to be ok, because I am not ok, and never will be again in this life.
My family knows that I will never remarry, never date or have sex or anything like that again. They understand the singular nature of my relationship with my husband, and they understand that I am and always will be married to him.
I hope you are able to continue doing what's best for you. What would be best for me would be to die.
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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on
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When I was first going to my husband, I rode the Greyhound from Montana to Michigan. That bus ride seemed like it would never end.
This feels kind of like that for me. I'm back on that never-ending bus ride, and he's waiting for me at the end of it.
I really wish my stop would come up soon. I want off this bus! I just want to be in his arms again.
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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Yes! Please, please let me off this damned bus!!
To BlackSky (a poorly chosen name if I ever saw one): I normally keep my anger in check and manage not to post things like this. I don't know your story or why you're here. If you've had a devastating loss, I'm truly sorry. But in reference to your insistence that we "move on" and stop mourning, I say-- with all due respect-- BITE ME.
You don't know me, or the profound nature of what I lost four months ago today, when my beloved husband, the only love of my life, the other half of my soul, died suddenly and unexpectedly 3 days after his 40th birthday. I died that day. I will never love again.
There is nothing left in this world for me. My children need me, and I'm doing the best I can, but the reality is that there are others to care for them if something happens to me. I beg constantly for physical death, for my idiot body to cease insisting on respiration and hydration and elimination, so whatever soul or spirit is left in me can finally go on to whatever lies beyond. I hope-- with all the hope that's left to me, which isn't much-- that there is an afterlife and I'll be reunited with my husband, who was and is and will always be my everything. If I can't have that, I want oblivion, I want to be snuffed out completely. At least then the agony will end.
If you lost someone that integral to your existence and somehow managed to "move on," then I salute you. I wish you well. But do not EVER again tell me, or any of us who are speaking our own horrible truths, that we won't mourn forever. And in the name of all compassion, do not add a little smiley at the end! How cruel and uncaring can anyone be?
I strongly suspect, at this point, that all I'm doing is feeding a troll. But I will have my say, and then leave it. My life is over. This pointless postscript needs to end, and if it doesn't end soon, I'll end it myself. However long I'm forced to continue this bleak and miserable existence-- days or weeks or even (please, no!!) years-- I will always mourn the person I loved, boy and man, and will love throughout time and eternity. I will not move on. I will not let him go-- not now, not EVER.
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