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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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"As for memories -- they are absolutely not enough. I need my husband, my soulmate, HERE, with me. And if that can't happen, then I need to be with him, wherever he is. PERIOD."
YES!!!!!! Why can't people understand this?? I cannot breathe without my husband. I haven't breathed in nine weeks. I can move enough air to keep this miserable carcass ambulatory, but I can't draw a full breath. My chest aches constantly. Sometimes I think I'm having a heart attack, and I think, Thank goodness, it can't come quickly enough!
Yesterday morning I was lying in bed, crying and begging my love to come get me, or at least to come see me. I must have dozed off, but I imagined/dreamed that I died right there-- I just sat up and left my body behind. He was standing by the bed, smiling down at me. He held out his hand, and I took it, and then I hugged him as hard as I could. For a minute I felt bad about the kids, but he said, "They'll be fine. It'll be hard for a little while, but they'll be okay." And then we left, together.
I can't describe the peace I felt in that dream (I guess that's all it was). I was so happy, so... complete. No longer broken or afraid or hurting. I had my soulmate, and he had me, and we were whole. But then I woke up and the nightmare came back.
I want the dream. I don't want this horrible existence. Why are people so determined that I have to "live" when it just means endless suffering? Why can't I have the peace?
I love my kids, but I don't want to live just for them. I don't want to live without my husband. He was and is my everything. He is my heart and soul, and it's not fair to expect me to go on without him.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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EXACTLY. Life ended, when our husbands died.
You are lucky to have at least had the dream you did -- I have not had even one good dream since my husband died, not one dream with him in it that wasn't in some way a nightmare about his death. I have not felt a moment's peace since he died, and I never will unless/until I am with him again.
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*tears*
I am so, so sorry. :(
My only conscious moment of peace in the past two months was when I was driving home from his memorial, and it suddenly occurred to me that I don't have to keep living if I don't want to! I know that sounds trite, but it was like an aha! moment. It lasted just a minute, but I promised myself-- and him-- that I would give this wretched planet just over nine years, until my youngest child is legally an adult, and no more. Meanwhile, I would do my duty and try to get my affairs in order so that my leaving won't be too hard on anyone. If I go sooner (please!!!), I'll be beyond thrilled. If not, I'll kill myself in some humane and hopefully not too disturbing way.
That's a grim way to find peace, but that's where I found it. I made up my mind. I can't do it yet, although if I die in an accident or due to natural causes, then I will thank the universe or whatever is out there, if anything. Otherwise, the clock is ticking down. I can hardly bear to think about how long it is between then and now, but I'm literally counting the days.
I say this a lot, and I know there's no damn point at all, but IT'S NOT FAIR. It shouldn't have been this way for you, or me, or anyone here. :(
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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I do have some understanding of your grief x& pain & I am so very sorry. It's almost 10 months since my darling left this life. It seems like an eternity and yet seems like just yesterday.... I promised my love that I wouldn't 'come too soon'( that s - join him) and so far,Ive kept that promise. But today,I've decided that if I fall once more into despair, that I will make that terrible choice...to end this 'existence.' After all, without my darling, it is just an existence. So we'll see xxx
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Wander,
Thanks. I have had the same thought, about not having to keep living, but the thing is I don't know if I would be "allowed" to be with my husband if I killed myself (if there is actually some bastard god), and also it would devastate my family. I can't say I won't ever do it, because there's no fucking way I will continue this life for long -- I just hope that I die of a massive heart attack or similar, and soon.
This shit is DEFINITELY not fair, I agree. And not just "unfair", but GODDAMN FUCKING UNFAIR.
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That scares me too... I hate the not knowing! If I could be positive that we would be together-- I was promised forever, and I want it!!!-- I think I would do it today. My kids are with their grandparents, they're well cared for... But I can't be sure, and I hate it. I don't want to kill myself-- yet-- but I beg constantly for death. I hope it comes soon. I can't bear this existence.
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Hi I guess I'm in the right place. I feel exactly as you do. First when my husband was still in the hospital. Our dog of 12 yes dies and I told him the day it happened, but the next day he told me he had a terrible nightmare our dog died. I just didn't have the heart to tell him at that time. He fi ally came home but died within less that a month.he had pancreatic cancer. He only lived 14 months after he found out. I knew it was coming but its still not something g you can prepare for or accept. EVER!!! I had to move out of our home because I couldn't afford to stay there. Had to put all of our stuff in storage and move in within my son all right after he passed. I want him back...that's all I want. I'm nothing g without him...nothing and I don't know how to be. I list everything he was my world and I'm just totally gone without him. I really would just rather be dead than go on in all this horrific pain that just won't ever let up...pkease
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Dear Peggy,
I'm sorry you're in this same shitty situation that we are. It sucks having to move out of your home too, after such a horrible event. I had to do the same, although in my case it was because the apt. we had been renting was in a larger home (separate apt., separate entrance), and the landlords (who lived upstairs) divorced and sold the house. So about 1.5 years after my husband died, i had to move out of our home. ENOUGH SHIT, i say. even though it's true that even if only good things happen for the rest of my life, none of them will matter to me at all anyway -- nothing matters, without my husband here with me and especially without even knowing that he still exists in a peaceful afterlife and that we will be together again. I just want to be with my love, immediately, and if that won't happen because there's not afterlife, then i just want oblivion. NOW.
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It sounds as though you do feel a lot like I do. I'm sorry you are in this horrible position, too. I actually envy you the fact that at least you were able to hold your beloved in your arms as he died, though. While I'm sure it was horrible for you in many ways, it was horrible for me that my love was miles away from me when he died (he was in a band with my sister and BIL, and they were at a gig, so at least they were with him so he wasn't alone, but I should have been with him).
I don't know if there's an afterlife, but if there is then I will find my husband when I die, no matter what it takes. And if there's not, at least I won't be in this agony anymore. Either way, I hope I die very soon.
It must be so hard to live and take care of your son. On the one hand, he is, in part, a part of your husband that you still have with you (in addition to being his own wonderful little person, I'm sure). On the other hand, you have the responsibility of being around to take care of him. It's hard enough for me to just take care of our cat, to live long enough to take care of him for the rest of his life, and also to not kill myself because it would hurt my family. Doesn't mean I won't do it eventually, though, if it doesn't happen naturally pretty soon.
I know what you mean about feeling "...utterly and totally disconnected from my life and everyone in it [except your son]". It's the same for me. Everything is completely unreal, surreal. As you said, "I can't unrun the shadows" -- that is SO right. My family tries to tell me that there are still good things in life; they don't understand that the good things are BAD because my husband isn't here to share them with me, and the bad things are bad because he isn't here to help me through them.
I agree that there is no "getting over it" (how the hell could anyone expect that from someone whose soulmate has died?!!???), there is no "getting better". There is just pain, and like you I am broken. I don't have to support a child, but for as long as i'm stuck in this fucking life I have to support myself, and I can barely do that.
As for dating -- NO FUCKING WAY. Thankfully, my family understands that my husband is my one and only love, and that I will NEVER have a romantic/sexual relationship with anyone else. I am MARRIED to my sweetheart, my beloved husband, and I always will be -- period. I'm sorry your family is trying to make you date -- I think you should tell them that you have no desire or intention to do so, assuming that is the case for you.
I don't even try praying to "god". I have been agnostic for many years, though always with the hope that there was a loving, sentient god. Now i'm agnostic/atheist. I don't even try to pray -- if there is a god, clearly s/he does not care about me or about my husband, or s/he would never have allowed my husband to die and left me here without him. My husband and I should have had a long & happy life together, and then a long & happy afterlife together. I hope we at least have the afterlife, but I will never forget nor forgive that we did not have the life together here that we should have had.
As you said, life is not a gift, it's a punishment. I feel exactly the same way now, and have said so many times. I have a wonderful family (parents, sister, brother-in-law), and I still don't want to live. When my husband was here, even though we had financial problems (which are only worse for me now), I felt blessed, with him and with my family, and I knew that we could get through anything together. Now, I have absolutely zero desire to be alive. I will never accomplish anything with my life, I have no desire to do so anymore. I am just done.
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I'm sorry I wasn't with my husband when he died, too. Maybe I could have kept him from dying; at the very least he would have known I was there with him. I'm sorry you keep seeing the vision of your husband dying. I have a hard time remembering good times with my husband, because his death overshadows everything, which is horrible.
I definitely don't sugarcoat any of this. I see no point to sugarcoating it -- it's hell, and that's all there is to it. I hate all the bullshit people say, too. They don't know if "everything happens for a reason" -- and there is NO reason worth my husband's life, no matter what. They don't know if god or angels exist, and even if they do I have no use for them, because they didn't save my husband. There is no such thing as a wonderful life for me, without my husband. And I HATE the "God has a plan for you" crap -- if s/he does, then fuck that and fuck her/him. I will NEVER do what god wants -- why should I? I would never do anything that went against my own morals, because I have a sense of right and wrong, but it's because I think certain things are wrong, not because god says so. What god wants is irrelevant to me now. People don't and can't know if my husband (or yours) is happy and at peace. I certainly hope he is, but there is no proof. As you said about you and y our husband -- my husband was happy WITH ME, in our life together, where he belongs. This separation from him is a travesty, a tragedy, a huge mistake on the part of god or the universe or whatever, and if god/universe won't fix it, the least it could do is let me die and take me to my beloved. Like you and your husband, me and my husband could face and deal with anything together. Without him here with me, I can't deal with anything.
I understand not wanting to date or relate to anyone except your son. I will never date. I interact with my parents, my sister and my brother-in-law, and that's it. I've always been close to them, but even my relationship with them is not what it was, because i am not the person i was. I have to interact with my coworkers to some extent, and cashiers at the grocery store and whatnot, but that's it. I don't want to and won't make any friends. I want and need my husband, that's all.
I WILL NEVER accept my husband's death. That is, I know he died, but his death has turned the world into an unreal thing for me. Every second since my husband's death has been a living hell, and that is never going to change. The world ceased to be real for me when my soulmate died. Now I am just waiting to die and hoping it happens as soon as possible.
I get so pissed off at people who complain that their husband doesn't pick up his socks or whatever -- yeah? Well FUCK YOU, at least he's still there with you! And people who cheat on their spouses, but they are all still alive?? How is that fair? Why would god, if there is a god, allow that shit?
I want to believe that we have souls, and that there is an afterlife, and that we will be reunited with our husbands again. But I have no faith.
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I know, I don't understand anyone else's life either. You are so lucky that you dream of your husband all the time. When my husband first died, I had a lot of horrible dreams in which he cheated on me or I cheated on him, or he left me or I left him, none of which ever did happen or ever would have happened. I know it was just my subconscious trying to make sense of what happened, of why he wasn't here, but I don't know that while i'm asleep and dreaming. I hadn't had those dreams in a while, but I had one last week. I almost never have good dreams with him in them -- in fact, I've never actually had a good dream with him in it since he died, and he's only been in my dreams for a moment once or twice, in a normal way.
I get how much it sucks once you wake up, but at least you get to be with him in your dreams. In my dreams one of us is cheating on or leaving the other, and then I wake up and the reality is even worse. There is no joy, no peace.
It's been nearly two years for me, too. This horror just drags on, and I wish it would stop.
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