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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Casey on
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Well, I think if there is an easy and effective and painless way to die, than I would give it a consideration. Its a choice , I think, should be given to us. My first impression of Janet is good, I wish you the best of luck with her. I dont live near NJ, but perhaps a phone session is fine (I don't know, maybe in person is better?) Anyhow, I just want to say I get where you are coming from. It's "hell" being separated from our most loved one.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I think that suicide is a valid choice, too. Not an ideal one, certainly, but then the situations in which we find ourselves are far from ideal too.
My impression of Janet is good, too. I do think she's probably the medium I'm "supposed" to see. Everything I can find about her online is good; I can't find any comments or articles or anything debunking her.
My session with her will be in person, as that's my preference, but I'm pretty sure she says on her website that to her it's all the same, whether in person or on the phone -- it works the same way, for her. So you might still want to consider it.
It definitely is hell being separated from our most loved one.
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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on
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I walk through hell every day, so I know where both of you are coming from. And I keep getting lectured about "not doing anything stupid." All because I said I'm not going to kill myself but I am not going to fight a natural death when it comes either. Then they say I should fight to live and be glad to be alive and blah, blah, blah. Well I'm so sorry I can't be glad or happy or smile a real smile. I can't help it if I can't just fall in love with this other guy who is still after me and is trying to make it all about him, and laying guilt trips.
And just why should I fight a natural death? I'll be old. I already don't want to be here, what makes them think I'll want to anymore then than now?
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No one should be lecturing you. Even if they don't want you to kill yourself, that's not the way to go about telling you, IMHO. They simply don't understand -- I am NOT glad to be alive, and I never will be, and I will never fight to live. I used to be glad to be alive, and in the past I would have fought to live, but not anymore, since my husband died. I'm sure it's the same or similar for you. As you said, I can't be happy -- how/why could anyone expect us to be happy, when we are still alive and our soulmates (of whatever kind) are dead and not with us?!?!?? Wtf is wrong with those people??
You absolutely should not be having to deal with some asshole who is hitting on you after the death of your partner -- any guy who would do something like that is completely insensitive and a jerk, and someone who no one should ever get involved with under any circumstances (especially a circumstance like yours), unless/until he changes.
About fighting or not fighting a natural death -- I agree, why fight it? It saves me the trouble of suicide, and saves my family the pain of me killing myself (I know that they would still be in pain if I died a natural death, but I think it would be slightly less painful for them). I just hope that when/if I get ill, it's not something like cancer or diabetes or some long-lasting illness -- it would be great to die peacefully in my sleep ASAP, but I doubt that will happen, so failing that I hope that I have a massive heart attack that kills me instantly, as my husband did. And i hope it happens while I'm at home alone. And i hope it happens soon.
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Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on
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Veronica,
My heart breaks for you and I would like to be your friend. What kind of work do you do that they wont let you decide when you need or want to go back to work? It just seems cold and heartless to me. Don't get me wrong, I really believe that talking is the best thing we can do, BUT, no one should or can tell you when you are ready to go back to work. Grief is as personal as a fingerprint and only you know when it is time for you. Unfortunately, financial necessity sometimes dictates when one has to return to work, but still you should determine when that is. . .This of course is "my opinion" but it seems to me that no one should force you to talk to a councilor, it must be your choice. For a person to talk(the kind of talk we do with a trusted friend), one must WANT to talk to that person - someone that cares about them personally(not because they get paid for listening), not picked out of some predetermined hat of names. Let's face it - they probably just think of the fact they don't want to deal with "real human compassion" - "fellow Feeling" - Proverbs 17:17, "A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress."
There are many such friends on this sight and I would like to be such a friend to you. I will listen anytime you want to talk. . .
Brenda
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Brenda, thank you for wanting to be my friend.
I've got someone coming over right now, so I can talk to them. I'm seriously considering committing myself to a psychiatric facility for a while.
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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i no it anysoys me wn thy say it gets easy im lk dose it im lk dose it f@@@k its allwayz saed be 1s its never lots any 1
if thy hav had a loss or a multi loss thy wud not say it
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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Dear bluebird,
I found your post by Googling "My husband died and I want to follow him." I've been reading your posts on this thread-- I had to wait several days to be approved so I could reply, but I wanted to tell you how much I agree with everything you say. It's as though you've channeled me completely-- if I didn't know better, I would think I had written the bulk of your posts.
My sweet husband died 7 weeks ago today-- in 34 minutes, it will be *precisely* 7 weeks since this nightmare began. It was a pulmonary embolism-- he had turned 40 three days before. I pray constantly-- to what I don't know, since I've pretty much given up on any kind of benevolent deity-- that I will die in my sleep, or a semi will hit me on the highway, or I'll be diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer. I beg for death, but I have three kids, so I can't commit suicide-- not yet, anyway. The youngest is only 8, so I'm bound here for at least 10 more years... a fact that makes me queasy whenever I think of it.
I'm sick of being told I have to "be strong for my kids." I'm tired of hearing how "it gets better" (it doesn't) and "you'll get through" (I won't: the only "through" is when I'm through with this horrible existence and my baby comes to get me). I'm so angry, I'm so sad, and I definitely DO NOT want to move forward. I can't bear to leave him behind-- and I hate it when people tell me "he lives in your heart now." I don't *want* to "carry him in my heart" or "learn to be content with my memories." I WANT HIM HERE!!!!! Failing that, I want to go there. The sooner, the better.
I'm sorry, I know I'm an unnatural mother. I should want to live for their sakes, but I have nothing to give them. I died 7 weeks ago, but no one will let me stop breathing. I'd stop right now if I knew how. I'd say my heart hurts, but my heart is ash in an urn on my dresser. So I guess this ache in my chest is the void where my heart used to be.
I can't do this. I don't want to be this... thing. I'm not a person-- the person I was is gone. All that's left is this shell, this ocean of tears in a frail vessel. I want my husband back. I didn't ask for this and I reject it utterly. I want to die: that's my only constant. Either he will be waiting for me, or I'll fall into oblivion and this pain will finally end.
I'd wish you peace, but somehow I don't think there will be any for either of us, until we finally get to leave this cruel world. The light at the end of my tunnel is my precious love, and the sooner I can get to him, the better.
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Dear Wander,
My husband has been gone 72 days now... 10 weeks and 2 days. I too am sick of being told I have to be strong, get through, get over, get past, find happiness, do this, do that, do the other thing, and move forward and move on.
There is no happiness anymore. Happiness DIED, and I don't want to move on. People say such stupid, depressing things. "He lives in your heart now." Well, I want him to live in my HOUSE. "I know how you feel." No, they DON'T, unless and until they go through this horrible pit themselves.
I keep hoping I won't wake up in the morning or I'll have an accident. I WANT to GO. Why does everyone think they have a right to say that killing myself is wrong? Why do they think they have a right to run my life now that my husband is not here?
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Yes, precisely, Veronica!!! I'm forced to conclude it's pure selfishness on the part of the people around me. Surely no one who really loved me would want to force me to continue when I'm in such agony? I wouldn't put a dog I liked through constant, intractable pain-- I would have the option of ending his suffering, releasing him humanely and lovingly. But I'm expected to keep breathing? WHY??? Just to spare those around me this anguish?
Maybe that makes me selfish... I don't have any illusions about what sort of person I am. My precious husband made me strong, made me want to better myself and everyone around me. Now he's gone... I have nothing left. Nothing. There are people to care for my children. I just want to be done. If my life has become intolerable, why can't I decide to end it on my terms??
Hugs to you... I'm so, so sorry. I won't say I know how you feel, but I probably come closer than many. I hate every minute of this horrible existence. :(
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Dear Veronica,
Don't let other people tell you how to be. You don't "have" to do anything. It's up to you what you do or don't do; it's not up to anyone else. I know people are generally just trying to say things to make you feel better, but in my opinion they need to be told that the things they are saying don't help -- maybe then they won't say them anymore, to you or to anyone else in this goddamned situation.
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Dear Wander,
I'm sorry I didn't respond to your post sooner -- I've just moved, so things have been hectic.
From what you've typed, this horrible experience does seem to be pretty similar for you and for me. I don't so much pray (as I also have no faith in a "god"), I just speak to my husband and tell him I want to join him as soon as possible (if he even still exists -- I have no idea if there's an afterlife or not. I want to die either way, though -- either I will be with him or I will cease to be, and while of course I want to be with him, either alternative is preferable to this "life").
I haven't killed myself because my family doesn't want me to do so. I seriously doubt that will keep me from doing it forever, though. I hope I have a massive heart attack as soon as possible and die very quickly, as my husband did -- that way it would hurt my family slightly less, plus if there is some bastard god who condemns people for suicide and doesn't "let" them be with their loved ones after death, I would avoid that.
It must be both harder and easier, having your kids. I can certainly understand how you feel, not wanting to live. I don't think you're an unnatural mother, and you can't make yourself want to live for them. I do think it will be better for them if you are able to continue living, though.
I agree that it does NOT get better, and that we will NOT "get through". As you said, "through" is when this fucking life is over and we can either be with our husbands, if there's an afterlife, or at least be out of this horrific pain of not being with them. I suppose I've been lucky in that for the most part people haven't said stupid shit to me like "he lives in your heart now". Mostly because I really don't interact with anyone any more than the bare minimum necessary in order to have a job (since I still have to pay rent and bills), do grocery shopping, etc. The few times people have said stupid shit to me, I quickly set them straight. I'm 45, so people sometimes say "I know it's sad and horrible, to have lost your husband, but you're young, and eventually you may find someone else". NO, I fucking WON'T. I would never even date anyone else, much less have any kind of romantic and/or sexual relationship with them. I am MARRIED, to my beloved husband, and I always will be. I say all of that to people, and I tell them that there is no way I would ever allow any kind of relationship to develop with anyone else. I don't even want any friends.
As for memories -- they are absolutely not enough. I need my husband, my soulmate, HERE, with me. And if that can't happen, then I need to be with him, wherever he is. PERIOD.
I also agree with you when you say that "the person I was is gone". I've told my family the same thing, but they don't want to accept it. They want the person they love. I told them that I died, the instant my husband died, and i will never be coming back. I hate to hurt my family like that, but the facts are what they are. i am not willing to pretend that i give a damn about anything in life, especially not to anyone outside of my family. I reject this supposed "life", i am fucking DONE. As you said, "Either he will be waiting for me, or I'll fall into oblivion and this pain will finally end". I hope we get what we want, soon.
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