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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on
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I am sorry for your loss and the anniversary.
That is really poignant about the world today and whether he left...it is so discouraging, and just one more reason not to want to be here. My sweet man made me incredibly happy and gave me so many reasons to want to be here with him and he made the world so beautiful...and I, in turn, did the same for him.
It is so empty without him
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Thank you for asking, Drewtoo. I'm essentially the same as always; I don't really expect that to ever change.
I read your reply to Luna; I'm sorry you're still feeling so badly. I totally get it when you say "I still wake up every morning in disbelief, cry every day and still do not want to live without him." I also understand how a job can help distract you, can be a good diversion, and I hope the job works out well for you.
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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on
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Drew, thank you for asking. I am doing okay, thanks. It's just the new reality. Nothing feels right. I have had some very interesting dreams about my girlfriend, and I feel that we are in touch late at night. I have to start working on lucid dreaming.
There is one way of looking at this that might be a little different. Because of what has happened, you are carrying the pain of your loss instead of him having to do that. I know that doesn't help - nothing does - but it's a different perspective.
It's good to hear from you. How have you been feeling?
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Hi Jeff, good to hear from you and thank you for the kind insights.
I was just now reading about lucid dreaming to tap into past lives...a woman told me recently that he and I were together in a past life. That would make a lot of sense reflecting back on our relationship.
The new reality...I am not even there yet, there is no 'reality' for me, not yet.
I have not been great, actually. The longing, the aching is getting worse. The desire to not live without him is exactly the same and I really don't see that changing. I was in a plane during turbulent weather recently and I thought how welcome it would be if the plane crashed...I never thought that way before, even after having lost other people in my life.
I get a sick feeling every now and then and hyperventilate. Crying multiple times a day, still rejecting that this happened.
Were these things you experienced?
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Hi Drewtoo,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Yes, I went through all of those things and some of that is still there. This rocks your world in such a profound way. It would be a lie if I (or anyone) told you that they knew exactly what you are feeling because no one can. But I do have a general idea.
I read a while ago that grief is love turned inside out. The more you love someone, the harder it is.
That's interesting about that woman's lucid dreaming thoughts. What are your thoughts about the afterlife, and the concept that you both could be reunited in a much better world, and that this hell is really just a small moment in time (relatively)?
I feel for you.
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I am not Jeff, but I think I can answer as well, since yes: Those were things I experienced.
I have cried so hard that I got sick and would almost vomit. I have thought of many things that would be so nice if they claimed my life at that moment.
I welcomed death, but it never came. I also didn't seek it out, there was still something holding me back, but the hope that something else would do the deed for me was always there.
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Hi Luna,
I feel bad about your anniversary. It really hit me hard to read your words about how you cried that hard. I can't come up with anything to say, but I get it.
I am at 6 1/2 years. 6 1/2 lost years.
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My condolences to you as well.
I remember that I have tried to reach out to him in lucid dreams, but I always woke before I succeeded.
I wish you the best of luck should you try.
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I hold back from seeking death, as well...I still need to set an example for some people in my life. I also feel that maybe taking your own life might somehow then inhibit being able to connect with him, like maybe be in a different 'place'. Never really heard that, as I can recall, but just a feeling I have.
Jeff, I would really love to believe we reunite in a better world...my love heart needs to believe that (and it does), but my science mind needs some kind of reassurance. I'm not going to say I need solid proof because that would be futile and also this is all sort of based on a belief system of the spiritual and the soul.
I do believe that I have had close relatives come to me...I felt them. But it was very few and only once or twice, then not again. I can not bear the thought of never seeing/feeling him again...if I were to come to know that would be true, I would find a way to die.
One of my favorite quotes, by Stephen Covey:
"We are not human beings on a spiritual journey; we are spiritual beings on a human journey."
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