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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on
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I have tried melatonin...it works pretty well.
The puppy is just a random photo I found once...I thought it was the most adorable little puppy I ever saw. Just the way he/she is sitting there and looking at the camera.
I actually have my own little dog that was my screen saver on my phone for awhile, until I found this little puppy...then they became my screen saver. That was until my beautiful man passed away...now I have a picture of him and I dancing, him looking so lovingly at me.
Not really sure it is a great idea...every time I see it I get really sad
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Ok, so are you taking melatonin now? Especially if it works pretty well for you.
A lot of people in our situation say that night-time is the hardest for them...while it absolutely is hard to be in bed without my beloved there with me, I actually find that mornings are harder for me, because I wake up and have to sort of gird myself for the day. At least at night I'm already aware that my husband is dead and my life sucks and I have to distract my mind, which is why I have the tv on and don't go to bed until very late, until I'm literally falling asleep sitting on the couch. But in the morning it all crashes into me again, plus I'm sorry I woke up and have to face another day. So for me the morning is harder.
I'm sure your dog is adorable too, but that wee puppy is just so cute!
As far as your screensaver now -- if the photo of the two of you dancing is hard to look at, you can always set your screensaver to something else for a while (I wouldn't delete the photo, though -- even if you can't look at it right now, you will probably want to look at it again eventually).
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I am not taking it...I have been fighting sleep. Not good, I know, but I hate waking to this reality time and time again.
I don't feel like I want or can do anything like I am 'supposed' to...brush my teeth and go to bed routinely, etc. Nothing is as it was...I am not being obstinate or rebellious, it's just that nothing is the same. I don't even FEEL like doing the routine 'normal' things I used to. Why take care of myself? That's kind of ironic when I don't even want to live anymore.
Thank you for letting me vent and allowing me to feel so comfortable doing so.
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I get it -- I don't go to sleep until around 3 am most nights, and even then I can only sleep by taking a sleeping pill (and I still don't get a good night's sleep, but at least I get some sleep). I know what you mean about hating to wake to this reality time and time again -- it's the same for me, and it's part of why I go to sleep so late.
I have felt and do feel the same as you, in all the things you said in your second paragraph. Nothing is what it was, as you said -- so why do the same things you used to do, in the same way you used to do them? What's the point? In the first two months following my husband's death, I hardly ate -- in that entire two months, I probably ate about as much as I would normally have eaten in two weeks. I lost about 30 pounds (which I did need to lose anyway, but this was not in a healthy way). Eventually I started eating again, and went the other way -- now I would need to lose about 80 pounds in order to be at a healthy weight, but I really don't care. I eat a lot of junk food, but even that doesn't really taste as good as it used to.
Sorry, I don't mean to just talk about my own situation, I just want to make sure you know that you are really not alone in feeling the things you do. Most likely people who aren't in our situation wouldn't really understand it, but those of us who are, do. Feel free to vent anytime -- no judgment here.
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Please, do talk to me. And let me know about you and how you are feeling...it is important to me and I really do care
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Permalink Reply by Luna Nightshade on
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I concur with Bluebird. If the picture hurts too much seeing it all the time, replace it with something else. A puppy, a flower, something you're okay with looking at for the time being.
But do not delete that picture.
Otherwise, if you need someone to yell at, to let those emotions run out: We're here.
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I'll never delete that picture...it is so very beautiful. It was from my Neice's wedding in June. My sister said, "you have to see this picture, the way he is looking at you". That is part of what makes it sad...he is adoring me with his eyes, as he always did. God, I miss that so much.
And thank you, so much, for inviting me to yell and to let my emotions run out...and that you are here. That's truly a gift right now.
Please know, I am here too...not at my best, but present nonetheless.
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I get it. Anything that reminds you of the love you shared, of how he adored you, hurts. And that includes comments that are meant to help you.
"He would want you to be happy!" - (I know, why do you think it hurts so much!?)
Thank you for your kind offer. {*offers hugs as well*}
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