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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Judy H on
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I agree. Its been six and a half years since my beloved husband passed and I still cry everyday because I miss him and I see everyone else with their husband and feel so empty. We were married 23 yrs and my heart failed when he died because Iwas so upset the cardiologist said my heart went into a bad rythm for so long it made the muscle fail. I had to start taking heart meds and still do and it fixed itself, but I know how you feel, its as if your life was interrupted and its all a memory now. I hate it too, and I love my sister and my pets, but they are all I have, and it is so hard to be a fairly young woman and live like an old woman with no one. I could never have children so I dont have my husband's children either, so more heartache and sadness that everyone else has but not me.
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I honestly feel when I am ready to draw my very last breathe in this life, I will be thankful. I have nothing and it is so hard to see others living but I like you Bluebird come home and wish I still had my sweet husband in my life to enjoy. I try not to be bitter because I feel like I was ripped but its hard to imagine now coming home and seeing my hubby sitting on the couch so happy to see me . I feel empty just like you do and alone, and to top it off my mother and father are gone too and sometimes I just pray I will be next.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Broken heart syndrome. I don't understand why it didn't happen to me; I knew about it, and I wish it had happened and had killed me back then when my husband died. I know it would have hurt my family, and I don't want that, but since it didn't happen it means I've been living in hell for the past nine years.
I'm not all that young anymore (I'm in my very early 50s), but neither am I old, and I was in my early 40s when my husband died, after us having been together for more than a decade. I don't know how old you are, but anyway I do kind of know what you mean about being a fairly young woman and living like an old woman, with no one. I know what you mean about kids, too....I could have had them, physically, but I don't know if our financial situation would have even been good enough to be able to afford to have kids (it wasn't at the time my husband died). Like you, I love my family, but that's not enough. I loved our pets, too, but our female cat died years before my husband did, and our male cat died 5 or 6 years after my husband did. I knew I needed to stay alive long enough to take care of our male cat for all of his life, and I knew that once he died I would never get another pet, because I couldn't guarantee that I would be around to care for it.
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Awe, I wish we lived near eachother so we could go places. I know exactly how you feel and its good but sad to know that someone else lives like me, I had talked to you right after my husband died because I searched what I felt and your blog came up. I am 52 and it has been so hard, I love my sister and my pets too but I do wish I had dies because theree is nothing. Back when my hubby passed I at least still had my mama who I loved so much and she started coming on the weekends and staying with me because she knew I needed her and I was so thankful. I loved her so much and she had lost my daddy in 2002 so she knew exactly how Ifelt. She said that no one would ever or could ever replace my daddy because they got married at 19 and were married 38 years when he died. My sister had two boys, twins, and my mom seemed to put all she had into those boys and I think just having a part of my father saved her and I wish I had my husbands children to live for but I have nothing. I am sorry to go on about my life so much , I know you hurt too, but OII wanted to let you know I hurt just like you do. Its so hard because everyone our age now has grandchildren, but we=we have no one and they can say just look at all you have, but it means nothing when the people you love are gone and your heart aches every moment you are breathing.
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Im sorry Bluebird, I forgot to mention what I started to tell you which is that I looked forward every week to my mom coming and we would talk, and cook, and laugh, then she started feeling too bad to come and we found out she had Lymphoma and she passed four months later. I often think I should just put myself to sleep but I cant and I know my parents would be hurt if they knew I wished I was dead. They told me many times that they loved me and wanted me to go on after them, they said no one thinks they can, but they do. This life you and I are living is very hard, believe me I understand.
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I'm sorry, I don't remember us talking before, but please don't take it personally -- I've never had a good short-term memory, and since my husband died my memory of pretty much anything that's happened since is barely there.
I know what you mean when you say "...it's good but sad to know that someone else lives like me...". The relationship a person has with her/his spouse or partner is unlike any other -- I love my immediate family as much as I love my husband, but in a different way. When my husband died, along with the pain of not being with him, my future died, in every way. My family are, thankfully, still alive, but since I am not (in any real way) I find it difficult to spend time with them. I know I experience depersonalization and derealization -- I am aware that I am physically alive, but for the most part I don't feel real, I feel that I am merely some sort of actor in a play.
I'm sorry your mother died too, but it's good that at least you had those times with her for a while -- it sounds as though the two of you have a very good, loving relationship. I'm sorry your dad died as well. I certainly understand your mom's view -- I have never dated or had the slightest bit of interest in anyone else since my husband died, and I never will. We are married, and his death does not change that.
In some ways I wish my husband and I had had children, both because I have always wanted kids (and would have been an excellent mother), and because they would be a part of him. We didn't have them because we couldn't afford to, and I don't know if that would ever have changed. At the same time, in a way I'm glad we didn't have kids, since I am severely diminished and depressed since his death, and that would have affected my parenting and harmed our children, which I would never want. I can understand your mom putting everything into her grandkids, though, and that's great -- and being the grandmother, she had the option of not having to deal with most of the difficult child-raising decisions, she could mostly just love and spoil them, as grandmothers tend to do.
Please don't feel the need to apologize for talking about your life; I do the same, I think all of us here do. For me, at least, it helps a bit to hear/read about the experiences of other people who are in situations similar to mine.
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The 4th of July is my husband's favorite holiday -- mostly because of all the cookouts/barbecues/food, but also because of the fireworks. So, as with so many other things since he died, I find that I can't celebrate it. There's simply no point, without him here. There's no point to anything, and no reason to celebrate. I can hear the fireworks, and I looked out of my window for a few moments -- I can see some of the fireworks over the roofs of houses on my block and surrounding blocks. But it's all just noise and flash.
Secondarily, there's nothing to celebrate in the US now anyway, what with the likely death of democracy here. I'm fairly certain my country is done.
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I'm sorry to hear that, but I get it.
You are so right about what's happening to this country.
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You're welcome, Bluebird. Thanks for asking. Just dealing with this awful reality 6 years later. I'm over the shock and and am just dealing with the way it is. How are you, otherwise?
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You're welcome, too. As for me -- same as it has been since my husband died. I don't expect it will ever change. I know what you mean about being over the shock, and I suppose it's usually/mostly that way for me as well, but still sometimes it hits me like a meteor and I am knocked to the ground. For example, I was looking at an online comic today, I don't remember what it's called, I found it on the website Bored Panda. Anyway, it's about sweet domestic moments in the relationship of one long-time couple, and I really shouldn't have looked at it, because it made me miss my husband all the more, miss those little moments in a deep relationship, like turning over in bed at night and snuggling up to him.
This fucking life.
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Permalink Reply by Drewtoo on
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Hi Bluebird. I had googled online how I was feeling and came upon this site and read your posts from 2013. You resonated exactly how I was feeling. So much so that I joined the site.
I am glad to see you are still 'here'. I lost the love of my life a little over a month ago and I just do not want to live without him...there is no reason to. It seems so simple to me, really. And it is my choice. I am the one who is left here, and no one could really understand the depth of our relationship...except him, of course. Have you found it to be any better in these last nine years? I, too, can't fathom it getting any better, and I'm really not even hoping or planning for that. I just don't want to live in this pain...regardless of what any body else wants me to do or hopes for me, it is just so much more painful to be a 'living dead' person than to die. What keeps you going?
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