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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jackie cooke on
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I don't get people at all,there were over 70 people at the funeral, all hugging me saying they'd be in touch, promising me invites, telling me anything at all the can do. Since then I can count on one hand literally the people,who have been in touch. Funnily enough it's the most unlikely ones, the people who I thought would be there and really cared have mysteriously disappeared out of my life. Sod them I say.
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Permalink Reply by irina s on
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yep yep...same with shit azz so called sister in law she said after the funeral she said we keep in touch i email her for info n she reply after that nothing i email her saying this is my new email etc etc that was 2 wks ago did again few days ago and no word from her what a bitch she is.. even my family don't understand they move on with their life also..I will never move on with my life I am waiting for my health go extreme bad so i can be bruial next to him.. I stopped talking to my hubby's friends they meant nothing to me anyways never did never will..even when i met my hubby 1st time n he told his friends about me they were all happy this and that and but i didnt give a damn about them bc i only need n wanted my hubby.. I stop contact with my so called family they kept calling me to see how im doing i ignore their calls.. n i hate hate when hubby's sister would call/email/text he try to not talking to her bc he wanted see how he was doing well duh i am his wife no need to be calling i don't care they bro n sis he too didn't like his sister they way she give him half money of the house they grow up with and treating me poorly and block me from fb for no reason bc she didn't know me that well b4 we got married what a witch she is his young sis love me alot always asking me how im doing not the older sister never ask me how i am doing did you guys see suzie the yng one she would only ask if he went to see suzie not the "we" as in me and him...i would correct him when we did see suzie and he would tell her suzie i will see you so and so i would say to him you mean "we" will then he will say "we" will see you so and so.. alot people just move on with their lifes and don't care about person who is depression and sad and extreme grief..I will grief long long time till i died i will never be happy i can't eat or buy stuff for "us" bc its upset me too much for that knowing i did everything for "us" there never gonna be "us" going shopping esp we love ugh events bday.annvis.holidays/vday with yumm sweeties box from my hubby getting for me... a cousin told me oh you know he wants me to be happy and live longer then when you time comes you will be with him..I hate that lines b.s i hate everyone everyone in the world here those who don't understand that griefs who are love their spouse so much consider soulmate that will be lost without him.. whenever I would get something in mails bc i used to be into contest/sweeps n got him into as well whenever we won we would show to each other and show mails to each other now i don't care bc he isn't hearing..I have pay bills/rent...I am eating little as possiable and i don't care about my health really i don't i hope i get sick with flu or infection and not treat and able be with my hubby.
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I know I the same, I'm having solicitors letters off her daughter demanding her mipothers non existent jewellery, she never came near us when she was alive, talk about a vulcher, well there isn't anything of value and find there was I wouldn't let her have it,she evil.
If it wasn't for my dog and cat I wouldn't stay in this world, there is no one here now who cares enough and who cared about her. The love we had was unbreakable, I have been with her since I was 16 and I'm 52 now, I have never even looked at anyone else and I never ever will.
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Hi bluebird. I remember reading your post and then all of the comments very shortly after my fiancé died. About 2 or 3 months. Now it is going on 3 years. I thought of you, and decided to come back on here to see if you are doing any better? I am not asking if you've "gotten over it" or anything ridiculous like that, but rather if the pain is any less intense?
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Hi Layla. I was surprised to see that there was a new post/comment on my thread, as it's been a while since there was one.
I appreciate you thinking of me. Honestly, though, I am not doing any better. In some ways I'm doing worse. I have been depressed since my husband died, and that has only become more ingrained. I suppose I cry less often these days, but there are still plenty of times when I just burst into ugly crying and wailing, when I'm at home. I do find myself crying at other times/places as well, but I'm able to keep it to just tears in my eyes or occasionally running down my cheeks. The pain is not less intense, it's just spread out over more time.
I hope things have been getting better for you, insofar as they can.
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So sorry to hear. My heart absolutely breaks for you. I know that you've mentioned suicide many times on here, and I just wanted to let you know that I actually did attempt about 10 months after my fiancé died. Life had literally become just a prison sentence for me - as I'm sure you well understand. I took two whole bottle of pills - one was a bottle of klonopins and the other was a bottle of prescription sleeping pills. It should have done the trick, but instead I just woke up the next morning covered in vomiting and hallucinating really bad. I was in a lot of physical pain. That was about 2 years ago. I haven't tried since, and I really hope that you do not take that path. I received an after death communication from my fiancé, so I know that he exists and that he still loves me. And if that is the case for me, then I am absolutely sure that that is the case for your husband as well. Please have no doubts that he still exists, that he still loves you immensely, and that you will, indeed, be together again. Just think of this as a temporary separation and nothing more. Please have faith in that. And please, please, please do not kill yourself. I understand all too well what that is like. Perhaps try going to a medium. And if that one doesn't work, then try another one. There are genuine ones out there, and what I think that you need more than anything is to communicate with your husband. Lots of love. <3
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Hello Bluebird. I always remember you and wonder how you are doing since the last time I wrote to you for the first time when I found this blog. It has been a while and I was hoping by this time you were doing better. Please understand that you will be missing him all your life and sometimes you are going to feel a deep pain but you will find times when although you are remembering him you will not cry. My husband passed away 21 years ago, and I never remarried because he was the only one I can ever love. I do not want anyone else. But what I understand now is the he is always beside me even though I cannot see him. I talked to him every night and told him to please give me any sign that he was listening to me. I told him if I was able to see a dove out of nowhere or in a place where was like out of place I will now it was a sign from him. You would not believe it but the moment I opened my facebook page there was a lady wearing a t-shirt with a dove on it. But I was not convinced yet. Then I was looking for some properties and the realtor was also wearing another t-shirt with a dove. Yesterday in the morning I opened the drapes of my bedroom which is on the 8 floor of a high rise condo and there on my balcony was the most beautiful white dove staring at me. I though she was lost and opened the sliding door but she flew away. That is why I remember you and your post. If you imagine that your husband is with you and since he was energy and the energy cannot be destroyed he is next to you waiting for your time to live this vessel that we call body. You have a mission and before you were born you choose this situation along with your husband before both were born. Perhaps yo need to exist because somebody in your family or a friend or a pet needs you. Your little cat needs you also and I believe all the pets will be also joining us somewhere. Your husband will be in the sound of a musical note and a ray of light that touches your face. In the ocean or in the rain or any form of water. The sound and the light go thru the universe and we are just a mere particle in this universe. The life is short therefore pretty soon before you know 20 years passed. That is why I said to you that is normal to feel sad when you remember your husband but he is happy and he knows that pretty soon you will join him. Could be 20 or 30 years for us but compare to the eternity of time that is nothing. I wish with all my heart that I could put a little bit of peace in your heart to ease your pain. The best medicine is to help as many people and animals as you can and forget about yourself. Everything happens for a reason that we do not know or understand since our brain are not capable of knowing all the mysteries of the existence.
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Bluebird please go to you tube in listen to a song called Ana Becoh by Ovadiada Chamama. This song will act as a password to the universe. You do not need to believe in any religion but It worked for me and I am an agnostic. I lost my husband 21 years ago and still feel the pain but can enjoy life also doing deeds for others. I cannot love anyone else but everytime I feels sad or need a miracle in my life I sang this song in the morning and at night. It worked. The music is heavenly and will bring peace to your heart.
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ANA BECOAH BY ovadia chamama. Miracle prayer even for those who do not believe in anything. It will act as a password and will open the universe who will answer your petition. Please bluebird just try the same way a tried and it worked. Remember you do not need to believe any religion. There is something that we do not know about who really created earth. I do not believe in any Bible, Torah or Koran or any book but there is something about sounds because with a sound of your voice you can open a car, so this made sense if you think just in technology.
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That is some great advice Ofir Rifo. Also, bluebird, something that helped me a lot was reading through the thousands of stories contributed by individuals who had a near-death experience or received an after death communication from a passed loved one. I was pretty much an atheist before my fiancé died, now I am very spiritual and completely believe in the afterlife. My favorite websites are: www.nderf.org and www.adcrf.org
I don't know if you've visited them already or not, but if you haven't I highly recommend that you do.
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Thank you Layla Richards. I was very religious before my husband died, Then after his death I started searching why we have to go thru such pains and was looking into everything. Then after reading the Bible, the Torah, the Koran and more religious books I realized that everything was written by men and that God did not write any of those books. All religions were man made. Now I consider myself an agnostic and I am very spiritual. I do believe our soul or energy never died and I am sure my husband is next to me at all times. I feel still married to him because I do not want any other man but him. He passed away 21 year ago and still talk to him every night when I am ready to sleep and every morning when I woke up. I am feeling at peace now. I am not crying like before but of course sometimes I still get very sad and miss him too much but I do not let those feeling to ruin my day and right away change my those feelings thinking he is happy. Thank you again for your advise. I will visit the site www.nderf.org
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Layla,
I have read many of the stories on nderf.org; I do find them interesting, and I hope that the people relating those stories are being truthful, but even if they are, to me their stories aren't proof. For me, I would need my own husband to come to me, I would need to see and hear him, in order to believe in an afterlife.
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