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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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It sounds as though your husband's relatives and the bitch who gave birth to my husband are very much alike, unfortunately.
But they don't matter; only our husbands do.
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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on
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I saw this the other day, and I think it really describes this hell:
A New Look at the 7 Emotional States of Loss
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-natasha-josefowitz/loss-grief_b_55...
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Thanks Jeff, I found this article to have some very illuminating points.
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I talked to a medium today, the original one who had really come through the first time. She got some things right today, but not anything that I could really hang my hat on, you know? Some of that reaching stuff going on.
Then, she gave me the ol' "she wants you to be happy" speech. "Go out with other women and have fun." I can't really explain it well, but that leaves me cold.
I find myself explaining over and over, but no one who I know gets it. I want companionship. I don't want love. Ever again. Yes, I realize that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
There are many reasons for my choice.
1. My girlfriend is the love of my life. If there is an afterlife, I don't want anything to get in our way. Imagine loving someone else. To me it would diminish what I had with her, and I'd hate to make a choice in the afterlife.
2. I don't want to replace her or betray her.
3. I never want to go through this (grief) again. In a relationship it is very possible.
I have even described my feeling to my psychologist, but she doesn't really get it. Everyone tries to talk me out of it. "Oh, it's only been 10 months. Give it time." They don't understand that I don't want to overwrite my experiences and feelings for my girlfriend. She truly is the love of my life.
I look young for my age, I'm in good shape, and I have plenty of options. I'm 61. My heart is just not in it.
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Jeff,
They REALLY don't understand. My husband died 4.5 years ago. I am 48 years old. I will never go on a date with anyone else, I will never flirt with anyone else, I will never kiss anyone else, I will never make love with anyone else, I will never get into a relationship with anyone else, I will never marry anyone else. There is no one else, for me.
Some people want to have another relationship after their spouse/partner dies, and that's fine for them, if that's what they want. I don't understand it, but that doesn't matter, because their life is not my life, and they can & should do as they choose. But for me, there will never be anyone else. There never could be; my husband is my soulmate, period.
So in my opinion any psychologist should really get to know the person s/he is trying to help. For some people, saying to them "Oh, it's only been 10 months. Give it time." might be helpful (though not phrased in that way, in my opinion -- I find that phrasing very dismissive). But for some people, no amount of time will change how we feel, and a good psychologist -- while s/he might try to help you feel otherwise, at first -- will acknowledge and respect that.
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irina,
I understand that; I feel the same way. If you are able to have some faith in an afterlife, maybe that would help. Also if you are able to find anything in life that brings you any happiness....maybe something that your husband would have liked, possibly helping at a charity he supported? I don't really know, I'm no good at finding anything to make things better for me, but I hope you can find something to make things better for you.
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nope... i am like you who feel same way... i don't want do anything at all bc he was my life and . like i said my god mom passaway in 2011 to be with hubby who pass in 2010 n i read on forum that in diff one...that her hubby was very very sick he passaway and the wife type saying she couldn't take anymore so she kill herself to be with him n leaving 18 yr old son this was back in 2012/2013...my hubby didnt do any charity things never did not that into like that...we were normal married cpl wanted to start a having a baby.. but he had cancer on chemo/had surgery.then try radiation ..he couldn't do it.. i am no good either finding things.. i was soo happy bc i had him we were soulmate i can't believe how time by so fast..we did everything as a cpl now i don't care about anything else just waiting for my life to be over so i can be with him. He try beat the cancer so we can live longer and have a baby...I just hate when people say oh you so yng in time you will find someone else...I told them stop i don't want no one else i am married to him and will be bruial next to him. I will never want to date or get remarried or nothing like that bc he is my 1st n last he is my hubby he is the one been waiting for all my life. I don't want do nothing else.. only shop,paybills,go to doc, thats about it..my life die when he die my life stop when he pass & i don't want do anything at all.. I get happy when i can be next to him and be with him..I do watch on youtube the g team..and have spirit box n do record the session with my hubby he does come thru. I watch spirit and when we die. and see our spouse.
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It must be me. I have an online friend who has experienced a major loss in her life, and she is having a hard time. She has seen some videos recently which show that people who have crossed over in which it is said that they are very happy, and that we should be happy.
Well, I am glad that they are happy, but that premise doesn't, for some reason, make me feel any better. It doesn't change the awful reality of what has happened, the loneliness, the sadness, the huge void, the missing her part, the resentment, etc. And don't they feel at least a little bad about the profound effect that their departure has on our lives? It's not their fault, of course.
Neither of us wanted this or chose it.
Maybe this is me just being selfish, or I am missing a piece of this puzzle, but I just don't get it.
Any thoughts?
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Permalink Reply by Jackie cooke on
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Iv just said basically the same thing, if they were not happy being apart from us in life how come they are at peace and happy without us now. I can't see it, Shirl hated us being apart as much as I did, even if apart for an hour one of us would be ringing the other, so why would that change. People say to me she is at peAce now and I want to scream she was at peace with me for 36 years, it makes me so mad
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As I mentioned before, I have what I call a fake friend who pretends to care about me. She lost her husband 20 years ago, so you think she'd be a little more familiar with this. Throughout the late summer and fall we'd meet for dinner, with me always picking up the tab. She said she'd invite me over, but never did.
In fairness, she did call me twice to see how I was doing. But I did get a lot of e-mails telling me not to hesitate to call, no matter when, if I needed to. We all know how that works and how meaningless that offer is.
After an annoyingly sunny, "I hope you have a fun weekend" e-mail from her 3 weeks ago I didn't respond. She contacted me today and asked how I was doing, and I said I had been very busy. She then wrote back and said that she was glad that I was doing so much better.
I never said that. And this is from someone who lost her husband because of cancer.
Some people just don't get it.
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