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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on
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Bluebird....I too am crippled by the extra burden of inadequate finances. I live on social security exclusively with bills and other necessities that consume nearly all of it. It is, indeed, a game changer when I consider having Nancy here and the extra income that made living, at least, bearable. The lack of income exaggerates the emotional toll of losing Nancy which is always unbearable by itself. I was even considering donating blood plasma for cash but found out I am too old to be eligible. So, I am doing what many old folks do...eating much less, turning back the heat and praying for spring, oh, and eliminating one or two prescriptions I need. Death cannot come soon enough for me. Take care one and all on this valuable site.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Mel,
I'm sorry you are in a bad financial situation too. Have you considered going to a food bank? Also, if you belong to a church/temple/mosque, sometimes they are able to provide help in terms of money or food.
I work part time, though it comes to 60-70 hours every two weeks, so it's close to full time. My job offers no benefits, and the pay is ok but not enough. I get two paychecks per month, and one of them isn't enough to cover my rent. Then there are other bills -- phone, heat, electric, food, vet for our cat, etc. If it weren't for my family, I would be much worse off, and probably homeless. I have a car to get to my job (the job is 1.5 hrs away) only because my sister and her husband gave me one (my BIL gave me his car after his father died and he got his dad's car). My Dad pays for both my health insurance (Obamacare) and car insurance (the car I drive still technically belongs to my BIL, because I can't afford to get car insurance in my own name, so they've just added me to theirs). My Mom is worse off financially than I am, so she can't help in that way, but she, along with my Dad, my sister, and my brother-in-law, are very emotionally supportive. Nonetheless, I would rather die and be with my husband. I love my family very much, and I know they love me very much, but that love in a way holds me back, keeps me stuck here in this life when I do not want to be.
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Morgan, I am always uplifted by your kind and thoughtful insights. You are a jewel in the crown of this very special website. All of us here have something to offer each other and the healing value together is incalculable. I don't know what I would do without the counsel of morgan, bluebird, anne, JeffC, John T, Micheal, Linda E and so many, many others. May You all be comforted and blessed as we all walk together, as morgan said, along this path of endless pain and sorrow until that one morning when we rise to greet our special love and then continue on for eternity, hand in hand.
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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on
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Thanks, Mel. I'm just sorry that you, too, are immersed in this awful experience. Words fail me.
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Permalink Reply by Anna on
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blue bird has same exact feelings as I do. I'm waiting for my death to come so I could be together with my beautiful husband. I'm dead but alive and don't have any interest in this ugly life. My gorgeous husband died and he didn't take me with him is just so unfair. The one and only reason I haven't killed myself is because he made me promise him and didn't let go until I promised him with all my heart. He is my hero, my life and my one true love. I've lost my faith completely, how can you create a being than become a cold hearted killer and kill that being so viciously? So cruel and cold. Someday soon when I die if this murderer exists I'll grab its throats and ask if he needed my husband more than I do???? How much does it enjoy my meltdowns? I can only sleep 2-3 hours/night that's after I take melatonin or Benadryl. I can't eat because it reminds me how much my love enjoyed food I cooked for him and he couldn't eat his last months. I ask why? Why you are born? Why does this cruel thing play games with the very heart it creates? Why did I have to suffer and this hard that I'm not living but my meat suit is still on and I look for him every where..wait by the window for his car to turn the corner so I go running outside and hold him just as soon as he comes out of his car, like I did every time. I'm so miserable that I've shut out my mother, sister and my brother. All I want to do is be left alone so I can cry. I'm counting down on my living days and I feel the time has stopped completely. I hope someday when I go to sleep, I never wake up. We have one grave, I'm waiting for it to invite me in and go running inside and hold my love in my arms and go to sleep.
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Hazel, as I read your post, I am sitting here with my heart hurting. Trying to get out of bed. It has been two years last month that I lost my precious husband. I have two dogs and a son. This is the only reason I am still here. I won't give you false hope. The pain doesn't get any easier. But, you learn to substitute things in life for a lot of the pain. I try to keep busy and I still can't eat right. I eat a lot of sweets because I resent my stomach needing food and I do not want to eat. So, sweets taste good. I am trying to get better at that since they keep saying all the sugar helps cancer grow. I do not want to die of cancer as my hubby did. The pain.... I can't seem to get that out of my mind. I took care of him. I took care of my mother months before since she had dementia and she passed. All this death and I try really hard to see the positive for my son and my fur babies. Try watching comedies and things you enjoy to keep your mind busy. After awhile, your pretending to live gets better. We all die inside when our loved ones die. We just start learning how to hold them in our hearts as we live. We will see them again.
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It does get better in terms of you learning little things that you will enjoy. It comes slowly, but it does come. I also go see a medium (which is not general and she has told me conversations that no one would ever know)! This helps me soooo much!!!
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Little pleasures can help with the pain. Also, sugar isn't that great for you, but it doesn't cause cancer or make it grow. I really like your last sentence.
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I have been watching recent studies that say that cancer feeds off of sugar. Are you a doctor/nurse? Thanks! Caorl
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For what it's worth, the non-profit, secular, science-based Forever Family Foundation has an upcoming webinar entitled: "Bases for a rational belief in life after life," by Dr. Piero Parisetti.
https://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/events/164
I mention this because for some of us, the belief that we will see the love of our lives again is the only thing that keeps us going. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Xlza3iMqr0&t=2s
I have found comfort in the Swedenborg videos, also.
Anything to help a little with this loneliness, sadness, and despair...
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Thank you, Jeff. Seeing a medium has helped me feel that my hubby is okay and communicating with me from the other side. I asked my husband to come through and tell me if I need to get a new car or not. Ken purchased the car for me and it is special. It has been smoking with an oil leak. He came through and made her laugh saying smoke is never a good thing and my car will not last me for more than a year. He said I had a leak under my sink and check on it. I knew I had a leak under my sink. I just discovered it the day before! So many more things. It makes me feel good that my hubby is trying to help me.
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