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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on
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I don't know what to say, but your post is heart-wrenching. I'm just really sorry that you caught up in this hell.
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I have to agree as well. Making it a journey does not help, especially not since you don't even know where to go - It is like an endless dark wasteland, wherever you go, it is still there.
And the second one ... yes, he wouldn't want me to be sad. I know it in my heart. But especially knowing that only deepens the sadness, because you really understand WHAT and WHOM you have lost.
Fate has been cruel. Especially now, when I look forward at a somewhat positive financial situation. Money doesn't make me happy. It is not what I need to live a fullfilled life. What I need is what I found and lost. Money is only a commodity to stay alive. More of it does not help.
My emotions have been a roller coaster. My health has also been a roller coaster.
My dreams ... one suggested that I would leave this world next year, or in four years. It is still so very, very long ... and when I look back, and try to think and feel that there is a life after death, that the spirits of the departed are with us, I ask myself, what my purpose on this world still is?
Yes, I sometimes have this sensation that he is next to me, that he wants to help me carry on - at least for a while. It helps me to smile for a bit. But there are these phases of doubt. That it is only my mind, trying to find solace in a figment.
For now, I have to step forward, and try to seem normal. Which is harder than it sounds ... My dad called at new years, and I broke down on the telephone when he asked me if everything is "alright". Someone I only spoke to twice a year now calls every other day, making sure that I am somewhat "alright". And he doesn't know the cause. I still can't speak about it. It is as if I were saying it out aloud, it would drive a dagger into whatever is keeping me afloat right now.
And I can't even let myself cry for too long a time - I start to feel so sick that I have to fight against vomiting and crying (and I really ... dislike the former).
Next week it has been three months, and the period where the chance of dying is the highest, ends. I think my body is stabilizing since last thursday. But even though the immediate health problems fade - the depression caused by such an "event" stays (and seeing dozens of others die, some of them known people, their death announced by the media, does not help either - I might be much more sensitive now, or in the past three month the reported deaths have been unusually high).
I am with you. And I can only say that our time will come. I cling to that hope. And I know he is waiting for me. Wherever that will be ...
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Luna, I know what you mean about how that deepens the sadness, and it's interesting how you said that.
I, too, have plenty of money. It used to drive me. Now, I hardly care about it.
The prospect that my girlfriend is still with me is the only thing that keeps me going. I have been doing a lot of research on this, and it's reassuring. But I know what you mean about the doubt with regard to signs...
From what I hear he is waiting for you.
Please elaborate on the part of about dying within 3 months. Thanks.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Luna,
I totally understand that money doesn't make you happy -- but believe me, it's even worse when money problems are piled on top of the grief. My husband and I had financial issues before, but they were bearable because we had each other. If I didn't have even worse financial problems now, my life still wouldn't be bearable because my husband is not here, but it would be a bit easier. It really sucks when everything is shitty. For me, at least, the pain and worry about one thing leads to worry about another, and another, and so on. So I start of grieving the death of my husband, and hating life and just wanting to die and be with him, and then I'm reminded that for as long as I am stuck here in this life, I will always have to deal with not even having enough money to live paycheck-to-paycheck, owing student loan money that I will never be able to repay, etc.
As for people asking if you are all right -- personally, I have found it helpful to ask my family not to ask me that question, or ask how I am, or what's going on in my life, etc., because the answers will never be good, and I don't want to say them, and they will only be upset by the answers. I don't know if that is the right path for you (maybe you would prefer that your loved ones do ask you those questions), but it's something to consider.
I agree with you that the depression stays. I suppose it doesn't for some people, but for me it does. And 2016 was a bad year in terms of celebrity deaths, so it's not just you being sensitive. Although for the most part, whenever I heard/read about another celebrity death, I felt badly for their families, of course, but my immediate feeling was envy, jealousy that they are out of this now.
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It relates to something called "broken heart syndrome" (there is a more technical name, but I forgot it). Sometimes our reaction to some ... event can be so strong that we somehow paralyze parts of our heart muscle. The resulting weak heart may not be able to support all you do and as a result ... (and it takes weeks to months to recover from that.)
Well, there are also studies that say that the chance of dying after the loss of a loved one is increased in the first three months. From there it goes down.
I think it goes up to a year before reaching a "normal" chance once more. But those are statistics ...
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Luna,
I have heard/read about "broken heart syndrome"; I am pissed off that I didn't get it and that it didn't kill me. I don't understand why not.
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Anne,
I am sorry about your Mom's death; having both parents die so quickly must be horrible.
I am glad that my posts helped you.
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Oh my, I just want to cry......how will I ever stop the tears...how do we go forward and find another reason.......your post just brought me to my knees......I can feel in my soul all the subtleties of connection that you had and what I had........how do I do it from here alone.....I'm a fraud, I try to prop up others with words and inside I am destroyed...... anger and anguish and depletion and confusion and destruction all rolled up in a tight little ball wanting to stop the world and get off.......how do I do that and risk not being in his arms for eternity.......why the fuck do we know nothing about death.......why? all I need is one small definite sign.....just one.......
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