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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Carol S. on
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Thank you. You are right. I have been depressed before he passed. So it makes it a lot harder. I was bullied at my job for over 7 years. Left and took care of my Mom (whom had dementia). She passed and so my husband agreed to move to FL. Which I wanted for so long! Once we sold our home and ready to move, the doc told him, "you have stage IV caner. You have 3 months to live". My hubby got me here and passed a month after. Even though I love living here, I feel like I live in an alternate universe.
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Permalink Reply by Michael on
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We are all in the same boat here. A shipwreck. Yeah, Bluebird, that God stuff ...
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I very much understand how you feel. I wasn't even married, I knew my love for only three years.
It was a long-distance-relationship, with him in the USA and me over in germany. Still, I knew he was my one and only soul mate.
In October he got ill - it wasn't anything serious, it shouldn't have been. He was only 26(!) ... and yet on November 5th, he died. I think I even felt it the moment it happened. I felt lonely all of a sudden, then got the message a few hours later.
Currently I am trying to function on an everyday basis, but it isn't working. More and more people notice that something is wrong.
There is the usual talk of letting go, or those that tell me I will be happy again or that I will find another love. But there isn't. I know it ... I am now 34, and considering that it took me 31 years to even find him? There is no way I will be as happy again.
I know that there is nothing that can replace him.
I do not have children, nor do I have a loving family. My mother died 2009, my father divorced when I was three, and we haven't really been in contact. My brother ... never had a trusting relationship with him. He never knew I was in a relationship (and I don't think he would have taken it seriously) - so he still does not know what has happened.
The last week my thoughts have been on moments of my life, my childhood. And I do have the hope that I won't live much longer. I have remembered something from more than ten years ago - it appears that I have a large heart (athlete's heart), and I am more likely to die sooner because of that. The interesting thing is that he had a heart condition as well (and I believe that that is what took him from me this early).
I have had already feelings that made me set up a will, and try to complete some open works I had to do. I already felt like I live in my own epilogue. I do not know when I will die, but I think it will be far earlier now.
I never believed in a god ... and if there is one, then all these things is not what a benevolent omnisicent being would allow (as so many other things going wrong). I believe that as long as we are on this world we are on our own.
Although sometimes I think he is with me. A presence behind me, waiting for me ... So I still have the hope to be reunited with him, when I die ...
Let me thank you for sharing your story ...
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Permalink Reply by Melanie on
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We're here. We're listening and sometimes that's all a person needs.
I think it's hard to believe in anything sometimes when you feel so much pain and depression and different religions tell you different things.
But when I stop and watch a plant grow from a seed or witness birth or just walking barefoot on the beach and feel the sun on my face....I feel like there is something greater than just people.
I know it sounds crazy......but I go outside and I hug a tree! LOL Silly, right? But seriously....it's grounding and I feel better. I truly feel my loved ones who've passed are watching me. It gives me some comfort
I hope you find some too.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Melanie,
I don't believe there is a god, but that doesn't mean that there's not a greater purpose to life than just living it, and I think it's possible that there may be an afterlife regardless of the existence or non-existence of a god or gods.
Nature and small things in life like you described don't do anything good for me...honestly, they make me feel worse....but it's good that they make you feel somewhat better, good that they bring you some comfort.
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Luna,
I am sorry that your love died. Are you in touch with his family at all? You said that you don't have a loving family, so maybe talking to his family would help a bit, and/or if you have any close friends, talking to them.
I know what you mean about your heart problem. I don't have that, but I am not healthy because I eat badly and get zero exercise, and am therefore significantly overweight. I hope I die peacefully in my sleep, but however it happens, the sooner the better (just, hopefully, after our cat's life is over, because he needs me to take care of him).
I agree with you that no benevolent being would allow horrific deaths like this. Of course all humans eventually die, but some deaths (and the timing of some deaths) are worse than others. I don't know if there is an afterlife or not, but I do think that a good afterlife can exist whether a god exists or not, so hopefully you truly do feel your love with you, and hopefully you and he will be reunited, and me and my husband will be reunited.
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My contact to his mother is limited.
I know that she is devastated as well, and trying to move forward in life, as she told me that would be his wish.
That aside, it is too hard for me to really let go, and I think that this has already shortened my life.
I understand what you are trying to do, but my appetite has taken a big hit, and instead of eating more, or normal, I have been eating far less (and lost roughly 5 to 6 kg). Any doctor would like that outcome, as I exited the obese category and am "only" overweight now.
But I have started to clean up and bring some parts of my life into order - I do not know how much longer I will live, but I have this little feeling that it isn't very long.
I wish you the best to be reunited with your husband as well, and try to let him see you as you were. Hold on to that spark that was in your life before his physical presence was taken from you.
I feel that any more I could say would, in a way, hurt your feelings. If I already have, I'll apologize now ...
The memorial service is next saturday, and I won't be able to make it. I won't even be able to see anything anymore - his wish was to be cremated. I think I will join him in that when my time comes ...
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Luna,
While it is very sad that his mother is devastated, at least she loves him. The bitch who gave birth to my beloved is narcissistic and evil. She never cared about him (or his sister), only about herself. At his wake, even the funeral director commented on her clear lack of love for my husband (and this isn't a matter of just "different people grieve differently, and she just doesn't/couldn't show emotion" -- it was a continuation of the pattern of her entire life and the way she related to him).
Grief like that which we (me, you, and many others here) feel absolutely does shorten one's life. Not as much as we would like it to, generally, but it does. Part of the reason for that is that constant release of stress hormones like cortisol, which age a person more rapidly and do damage to the heart.
As far as appetite, I understand where you are. For three months or so after my husband's death I ate almost nothing, and lost about 30 pounds that I needed to use. I literally would eat in one week about the normal amount for a person to eat in one day, if that much. I wasn't obese when he died, in part because I had been eating well and working out in order to (1) live longer with him, and (2) look good for our wedding (which took place one week before he died). So when he died I was still overweight, but only by about 30 pounds, and was in fairly good shape cardiovascularly. Then he died and I lost that weight and was at a healthy weight, though not lost in a healthy way. Since then, though, I started eating all kinds of junk again, and most of the time I don't even enjoy it. Ice cream, for example. I used to love ice cream, and while I do still eat it sometimes, I barely taste it. Still, when I do occasionally sort of enjoy food, it is the only "pleasure" for me in life, so I overdo it, and now I am definitely obese -- I gained back the 30 pounds that I had lost, plus about 40 more. It's not exactly that I'm purposely overeating in order to die, it's just that I don't give a fuck. About anything.
Sorry for rambling.
You said you have started to "bring some parts of [your] life into order" -- may I ask what you mean by that, what you are doing? I kind of do understand trying to get everything sorted before you die, especially if you feel you will die soon.
You have not hurt my feelings, so there's no need to apologize. I don't know if this is what you meant, but I do worry that my husband will be upset with me or disappointed in me or the like, for not doing a goddamned thing with my life after his death (because I won't), for really not being who I was. At the same time, I know that he knows me, and that because of that he knows that it is not possible for me to be happy without him.
I assume you will keep your husband's ashes? I have mine. I understand not being able to go to the memorial service. I did go to my husband's wake and funeral, but I wouldn't' have been able to do so myself. I didn't organize any of it, I didn't speak at the wake (there's no way I could have, as I was crying deeply the entire time).
Anyway, I do wish you are able to find some peace.
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Yes, he had a good relationship with his mother, one I almost envied, and I am sorry that it was so bad on your side.
For me ... weighing roughly 94 kgs now, I have either caught something, or I have definately some damage to my heart (slight pressure on my lungs, shortness of breath, and very, very low blood pressure when I am asleep).
I also tried to lose weight for him, to look fine, when he would be able to come over. But it has been met with ups and downs and sometimes strange weaknesses (maybe those were already related to my heart - I do not know).
And yes, there is some paperwork I need to get to, finish some work I have begun (I am trying to write something, but I am not sure if my time left here will be enough to complete it).
As for the ashes ... no, I won't. First off, we weren't married (although I have fancied the thought often enough), and secondly he wanted his ashes scattered at the places he loved.
For the memorial service - I might be able to "attend" via skype. It is the best I can do, now.
The strange thing is, that knowing, that I will die soonish (I can not say when exactly, but I believe it won't be a decade), has given me some manner of peace. That and the possibility to listen to his voice, as I have a recording - it makes me smile, when I hear it.
I wish you good luck on your path.
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My husband's mother is nothing to me; thankfully my family loves him like their own, so at least he got to experience motherly love via my Mom.
I suppose I should try to get things in order, as you are. Mainly I need to sign a DNR ("Do Not Resuscitate") order, so that if I have a heart attack or the like, medical personnel won't try to save me. I should probably also write a will, though I have very little to leave anyone -- no money at all, just some personal items, and really those will likely all (or at least 99%) go to my sister and parents, who can do what they like with the stuff. As for my furniture and other non-sentimental items, they can just give them to people who need them.
If you were married in your hearts, then you were married, as far as I'm concerned. If it would make you feel better, perhaps you could set aside some small portion of his ashes to keep in a locket or a little keepsake box or the like, and then scatter the rest as he wishes.
I understand you feeling some peace at the thought of dying soon. Whether there is an afterlife in which we will join our soulmates (which of course is what we want), or even if there is nothing at all, either way we will be done with this "life".
I have recordings of my husband's voice, too. After he died, I found a lovely voicemail from him on my phone, one I do not remember him leaving (I really don't know when he left it, and I don't recall ever having listened to it prior to his death). Also, he did a podcast with my sister, her husband, and some friends, so there are many podcasts full of his voice; he was also in a band with my sister and her husband for many years, so there are many recordings of his playing (both audio and video), and while I am rarely able to bring myself to listen to or watch any of these things, I am very grateful that they exist, so that I can access them when I do feel I can.
I wish you peace.
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Permalink Reply by Jeffery Romenesko on
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i agree. my wife was and is my wife. i doubt i can move on either
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It has been more than four years since my husband died, and I am as desolate now as I have been since I knew he had died. It seems that right now it is hitting me extra hard -- not sure why, maybe because of the holidays, which I now hate. It seems I hate everything, really....it's a horrible life, going from being loving and generally optimistic to being angry and sad and hateful and completely pessimistic. There really is no reason for me to be here, other than so that my family aren't further hurt by my death, and because our cat needs me, but as far as how it is for me, there is no longer any reason for my life.
It will never be "real" to me, that my beloved husband died. It's as if existence for me stopped on that day, and everything since is false. That is truly how I feel. None of this is real. None of it matters. And I am so goddamned ANGRY; if there is a god then I want to literally and metaphorically punch it in its fucking face for doing this to us, or allowing it to happen. It sucks not being able to actually direct my anger towards the being that allowed this, if in fact any such being exists. I am glad my husband didn't die due to being run over by a drunk driver, for example, but if he had then at least I could hate that person, but as it is I am stuck hating a likely-nonexistent mythical being, and that is unbelievably frustrating. And then, at this time of year, everyone else wants to celebrate that being, which just makes it worse, especially on top of all the "happy families" stuff going on this time of year, when all I want to do is to literally curl up into a ball and quietly die.
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