Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
After 6 months one of my so called friends husband who lives 2 doors away knocked on my door and asked if i would go to their home on friday for a drink, he said and i quote Russ has been dead now 2 years you should be going out! I have known these people 35 years been on holiday every year had parties and bbqs, my husband passed away 199 days ago! Not 2 years ago, i declined they are all 6 months to late! I am fortunate that i have some very good friends who i see every week and a marvellous daughter and son, i am going out a lot but only with people i trust and can rely on, there is not a day i dont break down and beg to be with my wonderful husband and i know i will never ever feel any different. My love goes out to all on this site there are no words that will ever ease our pain x
Pamela,
Did you punch him?
I am only half-kidding, really -- I would have told him to fuck off, at least. He may be well-intentioned (I don't know, because I don't know him), but still, what the hell. Hugs to you.
Thank you, Denise. I am sorry for your loss, too. I truly hope there is a wonderful afterlife in which we will each be reunited with our beloved husbands, forever.
Hilary, I am very sorry to hear about what you're dealing with. You are 100% right. I lost the love of my life to breast cancer in June. I rarely hear from her family or friends anymore, but I had e-mailed one a few months ago and she was surprised that I am still a mess. "She's gone, let her go" was her infuriatingly ignorant response. It's typical, though.
It's a beautiful, warm, golden fall day here. This afternoon I will go to a nice park (Alamo Placita in Denver), where we went 10 years ago when we first met. I will carry a picture of her picture with me and see where she stood. Very sad... She should be here physically.
If there's a god, he/she is very cruel indeed.
By the way, I have been mentioning "Love Knows No Death" here. I strongly recommend it. It is NOT about moving on. The premise is that they are still with us, love us as before, and hear us. http://www.foreverfamilyfoundation.org/site/grief_and_loss
Louise,
I'm sorry you are in this hell too, compounded by your husband dying by suicide. Other than the method of death, it sounds as though our situations are very similar. I know other people don't like this, but for me, I refuse to act as though I am in any way "better" or have "moved on" or any of the other complete shite people spew because it would make them feel better (and, in the case of those who truly do love me, because they want things to be better for me). Not pretending is at least a tiny bit helpful, I find.
My family (mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law) do understand how much I love my husband, and how much I always will love him. They mostly understand that I will never date or get involved with anyone else. They also know and love him, so that helps
Like you, I am SO fucking angry at god or the universe or fate or whatever. I don't really believe in any "god", but if there is one then it has betrayed me by allowing my husband to die when he did, so it gets nothing from me but hatred.
I am so sorry. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
Louise, they aren't bad people and they don't mean anything hurtful. They just haven't been through this hell. They have no idea at all...
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