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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Gabrielle on
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Hello Copper. My heart bleeds for you. I wish there was a way out of the pain. It has been 18 months since my little sister died. I had a suicide attempt/cry for help at 12 months. I think it was more a cry for help because I probably could have gone through with it if I really wanted to. But it would be cruelty to my parents beyond belief. I just wanted people to know how bad it is, how desperate I was. I was drunk and out of control. It meant I got to take a week off work and just lay in bed day after day, taking a break from acting fake and being around idiotic clueless people. Once back at work people assumed I was ok again, 'back on my feet'. Clueless!!!! Why can't they understand that it never ends. That the gaping hole of missing a person is just unbearable. That I still can't believe it has actually happened.
Like you say, no one wants you to answer a "How are you?" question with the truth.
I'm so sorry for your multiple losses.
Also, hello to you Bluebird. We used to speak a lot near the beginning, and then I had nothing new to say. Life is just a continual whirlpool of grief. Will it get better one day? Do I even want it to? What does "getting better" mean anyway. It's all bullshit. Sending warm, compassionate thoughts to everyone on here, all of us suffering. Xx
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Hi Gabrielle. I get it, not having anything to say. Feel free to post here whenever you like.
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Thanks so much Bluebird.
My best friend recently snapped at me "CHESSIE'S DEAD, GET OVER IT". I was supposed to be bridesmaid at her wedding next year. Needless to say, I now want nothing to do with her. Dreadful, cruel, horrible....what more can I say. Her words were unforgettable and unforgivable, I've not been able to get it out of my head since she snapped at me 4 weeks ago. :( :(
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Permalink Reply by Copper "Charlie" on
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I'm soooo sorry she did that, Gabrielle! That's so insensitive and cruel and so commonly heard by so many of us. I think if anyone actually tells me that, which no one has as of yet, they'll get a good taste of either my stinging tongue or a hard slap to the face.
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Gabrielle, I don't blame you for not wanting to be in your friend's wedding. If anyone said that to me about my husband, I would rip them a new asshole and cut them completely out of my life (though thankfully I'm not in any danger of that, because the only people who are even in my life are my immediate family, and they would never say that to me).
My husband died nearly four years ago, and I will NEVER "get over it". Your friend is insane for expecting you to be "over" your sister's death after 18 months.
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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on
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oh wow! Your comment that even after years...you still can't move on scares me. I know for me I can't do this for years. I'm not that attached to this life enough to bother.
All I have are my birds and his dog Bruno. It's not enough. I don't want to be here without my Rocky. I don't know why this happened, him dying like this when I just felt like I was loved for the first time in my life. I'm too old to even think that I can do that again. I just want him.
I kept thinking about when my friend was waiting for her heart transplant. Waiting for a donor. I kept fantasizing that I could somehow give her mine. I have healthy heart, other than being broken. I'm glad she got a new one from a young person. But I have no use for mine or this life. I don't think I can keep putting on a "happy face" forever. I don't know how you stand it.
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kathleen,
I truly don't mean to scare you. Your experience may not be the same as mine. There will never be any "moving on" for me, but that doesn't mean you won't do so (I'm not saying you will, or you won't -- I don't know, just saying that maybe it's a possibility for you).
I will not do this for years, either. I will live for as long as our cat lives, because he needs me and I love him and I promised my husband I would. After that, if I don't die naturally (or via a car accident or something), I will likely kill myself. I will not live like this; it's not a life, it's just hell. I do hope that I die suddenly of a heart attack or something, though, as that would be a bit easier on my family.
I don't put on any kind of "happy face", though. I wouldn't say that makes it easier for me, but at least it doesn't make it worse. I refuse to pretend I'm ok or "moving on" or whatever-the-hell-else people want or expect me to do. NO. I died when my husband died, period.
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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Bluebird, i feel exactly the same way, each day is worse than the one before i am the living dead i have to get some things settled for the sake of my son but as soon as they are i will do whatever i have to, i only want to be with him, wherever he is, im sick of people telling me i should go out, it's what Russ would want well i dont want to, i want to sit in our home where we were happy and cry and scream . When they have to go through the unbearable pain of losing the only person in their life that they have ever loved they will understand. I was awake most of last night with bad chest pains i hoped that i would not wake this morning but i did and so starts another groundhog day
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It sounds like we all suffer in such a similar way :( Everything you said rang true with me Pamela x
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Thank you, Copper. I agree with so much of what you said. {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
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Gabrielle, i had the same thing last week, a couple that stabbed us in the back 7 years ago and who we have seen but not spoken to, were adamant they were attending my husbands funeral, my daughter contacted them and told them they were not welcome and would be removed if they showed up. I was outside my home when they turned up and wanted to hug me, i walked in and shut the door, my daughter rang them and told them to leave me alone to which their reply was we thought she would be over it by now, my husband the love of my life passed away in April. I will NEVER get over it. So my advice would be cut out the people who really dont give a damn about your feelings, they are not worth the effort. We all know on this site what you are going through, our love and thoughts are with you xxx
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