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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on
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Bluebird,
This was written years ago. How are you doing now? I could have written this even 4.5 months after Rocky's death. I had time to try and get used to him dying (liver cancer) but it's weird...I was in the "denial" state for so long, even after he was gone.
I do believe in an afterlife. I used to talk to Rocky all the time about it. I said what ever came to my mind about it. I wanted him to know that he would be young again, strong, bit shoulders and long red hair. Just like when he was 20. I told him to promise me to come and see me in my dreams. I knew I could make it if he would just do that.
I don't dream anymore. At all.
But I keep getting the strangest things happen to me. I'm a bird lover and twice this summer wild birds have managed to get through my screen door and into the house. I also keep finding feathers in places where there was never any bird!
My friends and loved ones tell me "it's a sign!" I want to believe that. It's all I have. But like you wrote...it's so hard to keep believing. And to keep going, hoping that there will be happiness again, just like when I met Rocky. We were together almost 13 years to the day. Married for almost 10 years. I loved him beyond my knowledge of love. He was my everything. He still is, so it's hard to find reasons to keep going.
I have a special friend I've knows since she was a girl and I was a young mom married to someone else. She is needing a heart transplant and is having a hard time getting one. I wish beyond anything I've ever wished for, that I could give her mine. She is trying so hard to live, but her heart is sick. Mine is just sad, but works. I wake up everyday~!
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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on
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Kathleen, have you read "The Light Between Us?" Also, I'd like to talk with you about birds - I had a strange experience that you might relate to.
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Hi Jeff. What was your experience?
~Kathy
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Hi Kathy,
Right after I lost her, a week later, a birds nest appeared over my door. There are two doors almost together, but the mother chose mine. The babies hatched and flew away.
I have lived here 10 years but this has never happened before. Odd...
I wonder if it's a sign.
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Everyone who knows me says its such a huge sign. I am a bird lover and have 8 little parrots. So feathers around the house are common. But then some don't match any of my birds. Who's feathers are they? And the wild birds coming in a house I've lived in for 13 years.
The year before Rocky died I begged and begged for him to come to me in my dreams and he hasn't. No dreams of anyone really. I pray and pray to a God to allow him to come to me. One of my cousins told me spirits need permission or something...
It's crazy how you look and look for something, anything, that might be them trying to comfort you. So I take it for that. Rocky bought me my first two birds as a surprise Christmas present and I was hooked on them from then on and now I have this flock of them. So he knew how much I loved birds!
Yesterday I noticed on the door of his truck, his name was scratched into the door. Maybe it had been there before...I just don't remember ever seeing it and I look at his truck all the time. It's as he left it, with his tools in it and the gigantic mess going on...receipts for things from Home Depot. I've not done a single thing to clear him away and it will be 5 months this month since he died in my arms.
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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My children built me a fairy garden and 2 robins kept coming down and sat in the garden chirping like mad for 3 days
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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kathleen,
It has been almost 4 years since my husband died. Nothing has really changed for me since then, at least not for the better. Nothing ever will.
You are lucky/blessed that you believe in an afterlife. I don't disbelieve, I just don't know if there is an afterlife or not; I am unable to have any faith.
I understand not dreaming. I have regular dreams, but I have never had a "visitation dream" with my husband. I have actually only dreamt about him maybe 2 or 3 times since he died in any semi-good or semi-normal way (for example, in one dream we were at a thrift shop; this was just a "regular" dream). Most of the dreams I've had with him in them, since he died, have been horrible -- dreams in which he left me or I left him, or he cheated on me or I cheated on him, etc., none of which ever did or ever would have happened in real life. I know it's just my subconscious trying to figure out why he isn't here with me, but it still sucks.
I have had possible "signs", too, but as I've said, it's very difficult for me to believe in them. I can often believe for a few moments, but then I doubt. It's good that you have had some signs, though. I hope they help you. It's odd, you were with your beloved for almost 13 years, and I was with my beloved for almost 13 years.
There had better be an afterlife, and if there is, then if god or whatever tries to keep me apart from my husband I will tear that afterlife apart in order to find him and be with him. Nothing will stop me.
I'm sorry about your friend; I hope she is able to get the heart transplant she needs.
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Hi Bluebird
About the signs....so badly do I want to believe they are signs. Not just feathers in the wrong places...and the wrong color. Birds have been known to get into houses all the time. Its this NEED to see a sign. I NEED to dream of him. I think it would help the fragile faith in God that I have. It's a barely there thing. Doesn't keep me from begging for any kind of help He can send my way. Guidance. I need something to look forward to. I need hope.
Thank you for mentioning my friend. She did get her "new" heart. She is struggling with recovering though. She doesn't seem to want to be awake for very long.
I wonder where the soul goes when one heart is taken out of the body, and before the new heart gets put in... I know the machines can make a body stay alive, but is there a soul present? I just don't know. If she were here she would help me makes sense of all this. Not just her transplant, but also my feeling of abandonment by Rocky.
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I know what you mean -- I NEED to know that my beloved still exists, that he is still himself, that he is happy and well, and that we will be together again. Unless/until I can KNOW those things, beyond any doubt, there is no way I will ever have any peace in life. Even if I did know all those things, I don't believe I would or could ever be happy again in this life, because while that knowledge would bring me some peace, it wouldn't bring my husband back to me, back to our life together here. Nonetheless, at least I would know that when this fucked-up life is over, I would/will be with my husband again.
I'm glad your friend did get a new heart. I'm not surprised that she wants to sleep a lot -- it must be very hard on the body to recover from heart transplant surgery. Maybe hard on the spirit/mind, too....maybe she should consider seeing a therapist, if she isn't already?
I have no answers when it comes to the soul. My guess is that her soul didn't go anywhere during the heart transplant, but I really don't know.
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Permalink Reply by Copper "Charlie" on
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I read this post among many and have been looking for it for days now. Bluebird, I totally understand about the dreams! All of my dreams save for one or two have been of my husband not wanting me anymore, hating me, finding someone else, leaving me just because he can't stand me... I hate them!! Like you said, it would have never happened in real life and I know that, but it doesn't help the hurt from the dreams, the haunting of your thoughts and the twist to your heart when you wake up. Sometimes I dream he didn't die. I think those twist my heart worse than the others when I wake up.
As to signs, I've had a couple. My favorite flower bloomed shortly after he died...way after it's normal season. I have a portrait of the two of us over the mantle and sometimes his smile seems bigger. I found a card he had given me that I don't have any memory of underneath his desk when I was cleaning it out. The corner was barely visible and the timing couldn't have been better, nor could the words have been more perfect. There have been others, but that's an example. Granted, this could just be coincidence. But I NEED them to be real. When they first started happening, I knew I had a choice. I could doubt them. Question them. Put them under the label of 'nothing'. OR I could choose to believe. I've seen too much over my life to be able to classify it as nothing. So, I believe they are signs from him. If you "think" they are signs from your husband, I'm willing to bet they are. I know that doesn't help you believe any better than you do now. If I could give you my "faith" in signs like this I would do it in a heartbeat to give you a little hope. I so wish I could.
I don't believe that souls have to have permission to come to see us. I think that they stay with us or visit us often because I believe in soulmates. Sometimes I'd swear I could feel my husband's arms around me. I do envy those who see their husband or wife...actually see them walk through the house or smile at them. I wish I could see that. I wish you could see that, too. I wish we all could see that at some point.
I know your reply was to Kathleen, but I hope you don't mind me commenting on it.
Hugz to you all!!
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I'm here. But I want to be there...with him. I want him back here with me...healthy. I have to see a therapist because of my disability. My therapist of 7 years died unexpectedly a couple of months ago so I had to find a new one. Not easy. He is a young guy. I like him fine. But he's got this cheerful view on "I want you to go out and do some things." I looked at him and was like...with who? My best friend isn't here anymore. My kids do their own things (19 years and 22 years). My buddy's wife calls once in a while, but I get really tired of the : he'd want you to be happy, you need to move on...anyone get really sick from the one "you're so strong!". So...with who? I don't have money for gas. I don't have money for food!! I get the bills paid and my girls eat at my dad's so they get to eat. I get maybe a meal a day and am getting weak and easily feeling like I'm going to pass out at the least amount of exercise. The heat is unbearable. So, I'm just like...what the hell am I supposed to be doing and who am I supposed to be going out with?!
we lost my mom a month to the day before losing my husband. Both were unexpected, although my husband's took 45 minutes between symptoms and death and my Mom's was 8 days in the hospital before we found out the condition had gone fatal...2 more days on morphine till she passed. My husband's best friend, who I was really close to as well...damn it! He died 6 months later and I have been so angry at him. He was the only one who understood, who felt what I did. And damn it if he didn't cop out on me. I know it was cirrhosis of the liver and he didn't have much say over it but it still makes me so angry to think that he got to see my husband before me! I do believe in the afterlife. But that's just me Honestly, I choose to believe because life would be unbearable if I didn't. It's my first anniversary of my husband being taken today. I live and breathe and robot through each day because I'm not dead, yet. I put on a face for my mother-in-law (92-years-old) because if I didn't, it would hurt her so much more and I'm not going to do that to her. I'll grieve when she's not around. Do you have a clue how hard that is? If anyone does, I know you guys do. Putting on that fake face....that fake smile...that fake "I'm doing fine! How are you?" simply because you're sick of having to say, my husband's dead what do you think. "I'm fine" take less effort.
Just a small piece of advice. Yes, I believe in God. No. I'm not angry with him. But that's my personal business. Just like hating Him, not believing in Him, or whatever is everyone else's personal business. We all need some support. Hearing from people who believe like you do or can come out and say the nitty gritty of what they feel and it echoes what's in your own heart is a relief! Being understood is a relief!
So, not meaning to be rude, but...if you want to try to help the people who are posting, pouring lemon juice over an open wound is not the way. In this case, on this threat, "Bible thumping" is lemon juice and it was requested that it not be thrown in people's faces or even referenced! What part of that can't people understand!! Bluebird started this for her and people who feel the things she does or who understand. What insane joy do you people get trying to jump in and "make it better" when that's impossible. And it's not anyone else's business if it's taking "too long" for someone to stop wanting to die! I do believe in God. I do believe in Heaven. And I want to die, too. So, have a little sympathy and honor and if you have to throw in how you feel regarding religion in a way that was requested to NOT be done here, start your own thread, please! Back off of this one! Those who need those words are out there...and they will read it...just do it in your own thread.
Sorry for rambling, bluebird & company. Just...tired of reading stuff that's upsetting to the posters and was asked to NOT be written in this thread. And today is the day of my one year since my husband died. Wish I could have slept through it, but I haven't been able to crash, yet. It's been 1 year, 2 hours, and 38 minutes of existing.
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