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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jeff C on
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Bluebird,
The guy behind that company, Russell Friedman, has some interesting YouTube videos.
I feel for you. I can't pretend that I know exactly what you're going through, but your message really resonated with me.
I feel terrible that you're in that kind of pain. I know what you mean about the God part of it. My religious views and the prospect of seeing my girlfriend are the same as yours. I know what you mean about the anger.
I talk to religious people and no one gives me a good answer when I ask how a loving and caring God can torture good people in this way. Even I prayed for my girlfriend (Mila), as did her friends. We tried The Secret. We did almost everything. But she only got worse. How cruel.
I don't want to diminish her memory, the love that I have for her, or the part of her that will always be with me. But I don't want to be old and alone some day. And I don't want to meet someone who I fall in love with. If I did that, I wouldn't be with Mila is the hereafter (if it exists). What a dilemma.
I talk to her picture and explain that I am socializing with people, but she is with me. I am not cheating or disrespecting her.
Man, I get a mild panic attack just writing this. I am so confused and lost.
So much to process!
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Jeff, I know Bluebird does not want to hear this but I saw what you said about how a loving God could torture us. I lost my sweet husband of 23 years a year ago and I still cry everyday. I too have felt disappointed in God allowing my husband to die at only 47 years old and I hate that he was ripped out of enjoying his life. I am a believer in God though and the "reason" he allows us to lose our loved ones is that HE is not the one that causes sickness and death, Satan does. Satan as you know I'm sure is the one that tempted our first ancestors to sin against God and he succeeded and God warned them that if they sinned their lives would be full of pain and death. I don't fully understand why we suffer because of two people that sinned miriads of years ago, but God told us in the book he deliberately handed down that he was redeeming US through the death and resurrection of his son Jesus and that if we continued to have faith in Him even in our darkest times which losing our most loved is DEFINITELY our darkest times, that even though our bodies will die, we would be brought back just like Jesus was. Jesus told us that "just as you will never know how the body grows in the womb, you will never know all that my Father has in store". Logical people can SEE with thier own eyes that everything Jesus told us way back then IS coming true. He warned that men would "hate" us in the end of times for believing in him and this is EXACTLY what the beheadings carried out by the radical muslims is about. He also said that men would become lovers of money and mothers would be rampidly killing thier babies, and that the churches would be corrupt. All of these things are coming true. He also said that there would be more natural disasters that people had never known before, and look at all of the tsunamis that are happening now ! I just wanted to throw this out because it is so very hard to understand why our lives are turned upside down and like Bluebird I honestly just want to die and be out of my pain but I pray for God to give me strength everyday. He also said in the bible that he knows the pain of mourning and that his spirit will comfort those who seek his comfort. I know in my heart that He is the only way I have made it through a year without my beloved soulmate and I can feel at times that he has lifted the wieght from my shoulders to get through the day. Its' a day by day battle but God knows that this life on earth is not permanent and he even said in the bible that our human life is "fleeting" and can be extinguished like a flame, but that he will bring those who believe in him and his son back. He also told us in the bible that his spirit is what is in each of us AND the animals and that is what gives us life. Scientists have just discovered that they can actually SEE a spark of light when two cells are joined to create life, not just HUMAN life but ANIMAL life too ! I hope this brings you some type of comfort. I am NOT a religious person because I don't go with any particular "church" but I have my own relationship with our Father and I know in my heart that He is there and his words are true.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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It's not just that I "don't want to hear it", it's that I don't believe what you have said is true in any way (as far as god, the bible, satan, end-times, etc.).
I have no problem with you believing all that stuff, or with anyone else believing whatever they believe (because remember, there are many different faiths/religions in this world, and no way to know which, if any, is the closest to being accurate), so long as no one is trying to force their beliefs on me or on anyone else.
Personally, I really don't believe there is a "god". If there is, however, I very much doubt any person or faith/religion (major or otherwise) has ever really understood what god is like. If there is a god, there's no real reason to assume that Christianity, or Judaism, or Buddhism, or any other faith/religion has really "gotten it right". As far as I'm concerned, whether there is a god or there isn't, the best way to live is to try to do as much good and as little harm as possible, to help others when you can, to treat everyone as you would wish to be treated.
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I understand Bluebird and I am not any "religion" either for exactly the reasons you mentioned. I don't think any religion has it right, I just have my own relationship with God and I know he is the only reason I have survived this year without my sweet husband and true soulmate. I hope you are doing okay. I'm still trying to hang in there but it's so hard. I cry everyday usually on my way to and from work and sometimes while I'm at work and often while I'm at home. I look forward to the weekends so I don't have to getup early but then I spend the time off sad and missing my love. My heart still aches 24/7 for him and like you mentioned before I get pissed too when people tell me I will find love again or it will ease with time. It won't ease and I will NEVER have love again. I had it and in my heart I am and always will be married to my husband. No one should have to live this life of sadness and constant pain and like you I have no children which makes it so much worse. Well, take care and I hope everyone on here can try to have at least a relaxing weekend if not a happy one.
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I'm glad for you that you feel you have a relationship with god; I'm sure that must help you get through things. Still, I understand that it's still hard for you, not having your husband with you.
I cry a lot, too. I don't work on the weekends, though I do have to get up early because our cat has to take medication twice a day, 12 hours apart (for hyperthyroidism), so I have to feed him around 7 am and around 7 pm, to put his medicine in it. So on the weekends, I get up and feed him, then I usually go back to sleep. I sleep as much as I can on the weekends, because when I'm asleep I usually am not aware that my husband has died. Yesterday I slept until about 1 pm. Today I slept until 4.30 pm. It really doesn't matter that I'm not doing anything, because there is nothing I want to do.
I agree that no one should have to live this way. For me, that's part of why I can't believe there is a loving god. I am nowhere near perfect, but I would never allow my children (if I had any) or anyone I love to suffer this way. god is supposed to be better than humans, yet s/he allows this pain? And not only the pain of by soulmate having died, but also not even letting me know beyond all doubt that he still exists in an afterlife, is happy and is still himself, and that we will be together again? That is just fucking cruel, as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, whether there's a god or not, it sucks that we are in this kind of pain. I hope your weekend was ok.
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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I feel exactly the same, my husband died so suddenly and everyday gets worse I really don't want to be here without him, I have to sort out the house for my son who has lived with us all his life, and unfortunately I have 2 daughter in laws who are despicable what they did 2 weeks after I lost my husband is unforgivable so I don't have anything to do with my 2 sons who are married to them , I am blessed with a beautiful daughter who has done everything for me but they don't understand that I can't live without Russ the only man I have loved for 48 years I am counting the days till we can be together again.
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My prayers are with you Pamela. How we manage to live with this is a mystery. Dieing would be so much easier.
I too am counting days until I am allowed to die and be with my Darling, now gone from this world for five months. Nothing but pain and emptiness and loneliness. If we must continue on, perhaps God will someday give us something to live for.
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Its been a while since I posted on here after my wife Died of Bladder cancer sept 2014 two days before my birthday,The grief and pain are still as strong I still keep asking to die in my sleep , Marita was my life I am on anti depressants, I about to see the doctor to up the dose my days are filled with my heart ace I still cry a lot asking to be released from my life so I can join my soulmate . My family and my wife's family are wonderful to me they know the pain I am in I cannot take my own life as I do not want to cause the sort of pain I feel on them. although I still have a lot of Morphine I was administering to my love before she passed away I have been close a few times I am still so in love with her I feel trapped here and in pain still . So I understand the pain and loss of those who are grieving on the site and I am so sorry you feel as I do .
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I feel the same way James. It was one year in June since my sweet husband passed and it is not getting any easier for me. I think about him constantly, and it's like a movie in my mind of the 23 years we were married. I too have thought about just ending my pain but I have a mother, sister, and nephews as well as pets that I don't want to hurt. Plus I don't want to make God turn away from me. I feel in some ways that He would understand, but he said not to murder and suicide is self murder so I don't do it. I want to make sure that I am with my sweet husband again one day but it is so difficult. Those of you on here that have children are blessed to at least have them. I lost two pregnancies with my husband and we never had any children and I cry about that all the time too because at least I would have a part of him left. Now I have nothing but memories and what is in my heart. Like Bluebird said, I spend alot of my time off from work sleeping. I slept on the 4th of July all day until 5pm, woke up to take care of my pets and went back to sleep. The 4th was always a big holiday for my husband and I and it hurts. Everything hurts, and I don't even escape the pain in my sleep. I dream about him all the time and have dreamt that he is still with me and I am telling him that I had a horrible nightmare that he died. Then I wake up and face reality again. I tried a spousal grief group several months ago but felt pissed because no one was in the sad place I am in so it was no help. They all spoke about 'moving on" and possibly meeting someone new to love. They kept tellilng me I am young and will meet someone. They don't know ME. My love for my husband will NEVER end and there will never be another person for me. I will die from this earth being my husband's wife and it angers me that people think he could so easily be replaced. Maybe THEY can replace thier lost spouse, but I will and never would dishonor my husband that way. I am still married in my heart to him and him only.
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My wife Agi died few days ago .She was 45 and we were married for 28 years ,we have two kids which I love no less than I love her . I know she wants me to stay for our kids , but the pain I have for her is burning me inside. I just want to run after her...
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