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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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Same from me too. Life is so pointless.....I can't see the point of me being here without sharing with him. So sad for us all xx
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Bluebird.... I just joined here because I saw your post and I am going through this same exact feeling right now.... I would like to share my story with you and talk......
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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john drew,
I'm sorry you're in this hell, too. Feel free to post your story here, or send me a private message.
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Permalink Reply by Delving Eye on
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Hi everybody. I'm new to this thread, which I found while surfing online to see how other widows/widowers are coping.
My husband of 40 years died six months ago after a year-long battle with bladder cancer. The ordeal was so gruesome, I still have flashbacks of emptying blood-filled bags of urine, and of my once strong, handsome husband being reduced to a 140-pound cadaver. I'm so glad his pain is over, but now mine is greater than ever. It feels like I'm living in some kind of twilight zone, and that a sizable portion of my body is missing.
My two children, 25 and 22, are still in college/grad school and live with me. They are a reason for me to go on. If it weren't for them, I would have bought a one-way ticket to Switzerland, which is to say, I'd have checked out of this dark, lonely planet. Life is hardly worth living, and I consider myself among the walking dead. But I have to go on until my son and daughter are on their own.I started keeping a journal as soon as my husband's memorial was over, I suppose as a way of keeping him alive. It helps a lot, even when the entries say nothing more than: "I took a walk and cried the whole way."
I know many other widows are in far greater distress than I, and I feel grateful for the good things I do have. At the moment I'm financially comfortable (hope that lasts), and my children and I are in good health.
Still, I have suffered a loss from which I will never fully recover. I fall asleep hoping to die every night, and then wake up and the nightmare continues.
One solace is that I know there is an afterlife (I've had signs and messages from the other side), which helps immensely. I also consulted three psychics to help me get some kind of answer to how my husband is doing and what my future is.
They all said similar things, especially about when I'd meet someone else -- though it's impossible to imagine myself with anyone, ever. On the other hand, I was never looking for a soul mate when I met my husband, and we immediately clicked.
I asked the most recent psychic when I'd die, hoping she'd say soon. Instead, she told me to hang onto my hat, I had another 30+ years to go. "A full generation," is how she put it. Oh, no! I cannot last 30 years. I often feel I cannot last 30 minutes. But she said I'd meet someone I could marry in 2-3 years. I'll be 65 by then (my kids say I don't look it, bless them).
To be honest, and as unlikely as it seems, if I were able to find love (the only thing worth living for), I'd be happy to stick around and try to enjoy life again. Otherwise, 30+ years of existence would be nothing more than a slow death sentence because at this point there is no pleasure in being alive. The only thing that gives me solace, day in and day out, is that I'm one step closer to being dead -- and with my husband again, forever.
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Hello Delving Eye.
I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved husband of 40 years. Devastating doesn't even begin to describe how you must feel.
My husband of 14 years passed almost 3 years ago. I really can't describe how this feels. Some days I cope with missing him so terribly. Other days, I don't. On the not coping days, I remember his awful pain and wish for some magic potion that would end my life - right this minute.
I also feel guilty because he really wouldn't want this for me, nor would dear friends and loved ones. But sadly, these are my true feelings. I can't bear the thought of even another dat without him. It's killing me - but too slowly.
I wish you and everyone on this site, that you can at least find some peace and some way of making the pain more bearable.
Xxxx
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Delving Eye, I am not judging you, what works for you is your business, but I for one will never be interested in dating, muchless marrying anyone else. I am surprised that you can even think about that when your husband just passed so recently. Again, not judging you, but you were also married a long time as was I, and I just don't understand how people move onto marry other people. I am only 47 and my husband who passed may not be here with me physically, but he is and always will be my husband. Regardless of whether the vows said "until death do us part", our marriage did not die in my heart and it did not and never will end at his or my death. I could never kiss, or be with another person and especially could never call or think of another person as my husband. It's good that people like yourself can think about moving on, but I for one will live on this earth and die on this earth being the wife of my sweet husband Kevin.
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Judy H,
I understand how you feel. I feel the same way. That's why it was shocking that a psychic who has been extremely accurate in the past told me that I would remarry. It is unfathomable to me that I could ever be with anyone else. I'm not looking for love and don't expect to find it. And yet, that was my position when I met my husband. Go figure!
Believe me, I would rather not be in this life at all if my husband is not here with me. But the psychic also told me my late husband would be instrumental in finding someone to take his place -- which is just like my husband -- taking care of me, even from the other side. Stranger things have happened, I guess.
I've asked him countless times to help me die; no luck. So, if he somehow engineers some happy years ahead for me with another partner, I'm willing to see what he cooks up. I know he wants the best for me, so who am I to deter him?
"Patience and faith" is what he used to tell me, two attributes I lack. But I will muster them for him for the next couple of years to see what transpires. By then, if I'm still alone and my children are on their own, I plan on putting my affairs in order and leaving this planet asap.
In any case, each to his own. Be happy in your choice. I'm trying to be happy in mine.
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Delving Eye,
I understand and best of luck to you. It is a horrific life we have all been left with and it makes it even moreso to be considered "young" and pray that we don't linger long on this earth without our precious loved one. You are right that you have to do what is right for you and if that gives you hope, then more power to you. The only thing that gives me any glimmer of hope is to have faith that God will reunite me and my sweet husband hopefully soon. Take care.
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Thanks, Judy. All the best to you, too. See you on the other side -- can't wait to get there! (Maybe the four of us can double-date ... ;^P)
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bluebird,
I am very sorry for your loss. I've recently lost my wife and have no desired to do anything. Death is what I wish to visit me. The sooner, the better. I am only living to satisfy others and mainly, my wife. I know my wife wants the best for me, but how can I live on for the next 30-40 years when I am only 31? The thought of having to live through all those years with out her is unbearable. I am not sure if I want my pain or my life to end. If it's pain, then I will have to learn and live on without my young and beautiful wife. If it's life, then many including my wife will greatly be disappointed. How can I or how will I be able to live on this way knowing there is no solutions to our problems? People who say "you have a long life ahead or you need to move on..." doesn't know and understand how it feels to have that huge A$$ punch through our hearts. As time goes by, this hole doesn't heal, but rather, it turns to be more acceptable to pain. The problem with this is that, since it doesn't heal, the hole will always exists. Each day can again creates a bigger hole, but yet, can't seal it up. Any happy, joy, sad, pain, emotions can be the extra salts that we ourselves throw in the hole in our hearts when we sense a moment of normality. I am a problem solver, I am logical, I am rational...I am a solutions create, but I have no solutions for the hole and pain that choking my heart from beating the beats it once beat.
Hollowed,
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