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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on
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Hello Rose,
Your words are such a beautiful expression of remembering someone on a daily minute-by-minute basis in life. Some people say, "they're in a better place" or "they're in heaven now" and can just go on in life like that, which is okay and in accordance with their beliefs. I know there's no right or wrong way to grieve as we're all individuals. But, as for myself, I feel exactly as you do. I'm very fortunate to have now found 3 people on this site (I did not have this kind of support on other sites) who feel that they have truly lost their loved one for all of time, yet continue to celebrate their presence on the deepest level. It's a very, very painful task (as is any kind of grieving), but I don't want to live in denial. I lost two beloved people within three years which really ripped my reality into tattered shreds, but everything I now do in life is sort of a silent tribute to them. Truly, my relationship with them has never died, but rather I feel a new reverence and an extremely beautiful closeness to them (that I've never really felt this acutely before); even though I feel they no longer exist, the relationship certainly does. It's a real paradox, and there is both intense beauty and tremendous pain in this feeling. I think it would be somewhat easier for me to believe they exist somewhere and are both waiting for me. And yet disbelieving it does not make the love I feel for them any less real. In fact, this love is even more significant to me, because I know that what I had with them is truly irreplaceable. My condolences to you and may we help shed light on one another's path. (btw, I just sent you a friendship request!)
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You are all right in the fact that we were so very lucky to have our sweet husbands in our lives. Sometimes I feel though that those who never loved someone so deeply are lucky though because losing that person is a daily nightmare that we cannot wake up from. Sure the memories are beautiful but the pain is excruciating. I don't even have relief of a heavy sick feeling in my heart when I sleep, it's always there. A few months ago before my husband even went into the horrible hospital that KILLED him by giving him a medicine that gave him seizures, he sat on our couch and told me, "Baby, I don't regret anything in our 23 years of marriage, I love you babydoll and if for some reason I die before you do, I will be waiting for you girl!" Those words are with me constantly and yes it is so sweet but it hurts and I ache for him every minute. He was my whole life. We don't have children because I could never have a successful pregnancy and we were all eachother have. I often wish that we would have both died together in a car accident so that one of us would not be here hurting like this. I just hope and pray that I don't linger on this earth without my sweet husband long. When it's my time I am ready to go. My place is with him even if that means laying in the ground until one day we are woken again. This life of sadness and constant pain and aching for him is true torture. My friends call me with their stupid problems and sometimes it really bothers me because they have no idea that everyday I am dying a little more inside.
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Rose & Judy
I'm so sorry for your losses. I post here occasionally, because Bluebird was the only person I found with whom I could relate. Our losses were a little different, but our feelings/grief were almost the same.
I hate the phrase "move on". experience tells me there's no 'one way' this happens. For some of us, it will never happen. We are all totally unique, so it's entirely about us and our relationship with the one(s) we've lost.
I can't and won't offer platitudes because that would be disingenuous and very patronising. We grieve in our own way, in our own time and that may last a lifetime. However it is for each of us, it will be our own way. No right. No wrong.
Blessings xxx
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I agree Pam, Bluebird was the one honest voice for me as well and made this website the place where we could really speak to our pain without covering it up with a false mask.
For that and her I am thankful. This path of grief needs to be better understood for its depth of impact not clinically managed as though we are a dysfunctional herd.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I am honored and glad that both of you found my honesty helpful in some small way.
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Rose,
I feel about my soulmate much as you do about yours. I also feel loved and blessed to be with him, but that makes his death and this separation so much worse. In my case, I think it's also made worse because he is the only person I have ever loved, the only person I've ever made love with, really the only person I've ever even dated.
I don't have faith in an afterlife, but neither do I disbelieve. I don't know if there is an afterlife or not, but I fervently hope there is, where my husband and I will be reunited. I get what you mean about you seeing your fiancé in the stuff he did around the house, in his family, etc. It's good that you have that, and that it helps you. It's not quite like that for me, in that I had to move out of the apt. we shared together (and we had only lived there for a few months, having moved from our previous apt.), and I have no relationship with his family. I do have the vintage things that he and I bought together during our trips to flea markets, and I will keep them. But it's not enough, it's never enough. I need my actual beloved husband, here with me.
I agree with you that not wanting to do anything is the "next natural course of action", when such disaster has destroyed one's life.
I can't believe my heart didn't stop when my husband's did, either. I wish it had. Sometimes that does happen to people, it's called "broken heart syndrome", and I am pissed off that it didn't happen to me. If god or the universe or whatever thinks i'm going to continue living for years, it can fucking think again. I want to die as soon as our cat ends his natural life, because I love him and he needs me to take care of him. I hope I die quickly and painlessly, but I doubt god or the universe would be so kind -- after all, it allowed my husband to die when he did, so clearly it doesn't give a fuck about me. (sorry about the cursing -- please know that it is not directed at you, it is directed at fate or god or whatever. I am SO goddamned angry).It's good that this forum is helpful for you. I have found it to be one of the few places where I can be honest about how horrific this is and not have people try to downplay it.
I was never depressed before my husband died, except for when our little female cat died, but my point is that while I have always been prone to anxiety, I really haven't been prone to depression. However, my husband's death has plunged me into a permanent depression. It isn't that way for everyone, and I hope it isn't that way for you, but that is how it is for me. There's no way it could be otherwise, for me. I hesitate to say how things are for me now, because I don't want to discourage you or anyone else. I think it really depends upon the individual. In my case, there are a few factors beyond the bald fact of my husband's death. As I said, my husband is the only person I have ever loved or been involved with romantically or sexually. Also, he died one week to the day after our wedding. Also, I have anxiety and OCD, which were 99% under control when he died but which have come back. Also, I have serious financial issues. Of course, the worst thing is my soulmate's death and my inability to know if he is ok in an afterlife where we will be reunited, but all that other stuff doesn't help either.
I'm sorry you feel depressed i suspect its all to come for me too, I've been so down and hopeless before this i had cbt, which helped and mindfulness. i don't know if thats part of the reason i feel like I'm feeling now? but your post was in 2013 and id like to know how in 2016 you are?
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Rose,
I can't believe my heart didn't stop when I found my sister. I am still traumatized by her face, knowing she she was gone. No doctor could save her now. When you are so wrapped up in someone and they were your DAILY interaction, how do you function? Just about everything I do on a daily basis reminds me of my sister and the fact that he is not here. I can't forget that she is gone. There is nothing to plug her absence. I'm just alone.
Bluebird, I don't know about you, but I know the unfairness of the situation also keeps me angry and resentful. Your beloved died a week after your wedding. WTF kind of fate is that? That was unfair and almost hateful. Why give someone the love of their life, let them get married them rip them apart? And not that you want to move on, but I think all that, including him being really the only man you have been with, keeps you in almost an suspended state of grief.
My sister and I had been talking about wanting a car for over 15 years. That's all we wanted. We are big shoppers and overtime we got tired of trying to do stuff on the bus and couldn't wait to get a car so we get back to some places we had stopped going to. financially it was hard to get a car. But months after she passed I bought a car and it just feel so unfair and I'm so angry that she is not here to experience this. Not here to have fun and be Thelma to my Louise. YEARS we waited for a car and she dies months before I get one? I am ANGRY over that! I couldn't wait for us to get a car and tool around the city shopping day and night. And no one understands just how awful that is but me.
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HollowHeart,
The particular unfairness of my beloved dying one week after our wedding really pisses me off, and it always will. It is hateful, and a big part of why I cannot believe in a loving god.
I understand what you mean about feeing angry that you bought a car and that your sister is not here to share it with you. I am angry about all of the things my husband and I cannot share anymore, or never got to share together.
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Bluebird, I know that God has been discussed here and I don't want to get that discussion started up again, but I have to agree with you on not being able to believe in a loving God. I have friends who say "All I need is God" and now, especially, I think 'no, I think we all need more than just God'
For me, the anger is almost all consuming. I think why did she have to get heart problems, just so out of the blue. I'm angry at myself for not being able to do what I needed to help her, at least get her to a hospital or push her to go the minute she didnt' feel right. I just hate everything about my so called life, right now.
I hate that you are still so brokenhearted, but I find that a relief as it's good to hear from someone who is just like 'fuck that, I'm angry and sad. I'm not ready to move on and I don't want any suggestions on how to." It's refreshing actually. I know I don't always want to be positive. this has ruined my life and there is now way around that. There is no real life without out the one person you wish was there to share it with you.
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The anger is ever-present for me, too, along with the sadness. I do feel some guilt for not making my husband go to the doctor for a physical -- although we really didn't know he was having heart problems (or at least I didn't; I suspect maybe he did -- though I should have, because I did see him rub his chest a few times), his father has had a couple of heart attacks and other heart issues, and we should have known. But mostly I am just devastated.
I am still brokenhearted, and I always will be. I will never "move on", and as you said, I don't want any suggestions from anyone suggesting how I might do so. My husband's death has destroyed my life, period. It has helped me a bit to hear other people be honest about how fucking horrible life is without their beloved (whomever that might be), so I'm glad if my honesty has helped you at all, and/or anyone else. I worry sometimes that I might make other people feel worse, though I don't want to.
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I want to say that I'm glad you are being honest because it's better than painting on a smiley face all day. I belong to another forum and we just had a kind of falling out among members because a couple of us were "honest" and others kept saying we all need to be encouraging and helpful and not always be to negative. It actually pissed me off more because I AM still angry, heartbroken, bitter, hurt, and pissed off and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
When you said your husbands death has destroyed your life, I feel the same way about my sister. We were incredibly close and spent all our free time together. Basically, she was the closest person to me in my life and maybe even second to my Mom. People just don't understand how this has shattered my world and I don't want to feel "hopeful for the future" I actually don't feel hopeful for the future.
At the other forum someone did say that they thought the negativity made others feel worse and I kinda feel like "so what?" I think on a day you feel good, fine, and on a day you feel fucked and miserable, that's just how you feel and why can't you say that without someone making you feel like you are being to negative?
It also helps me when someone says how "horrible their fucking life is" without their loved one, because that's real and I can accept that. Maybe it's just me, but that's how I feel.
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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I agree to all what is written on these posts. I have not been on for awhile, but read through the end of this thread. Why such gentle souls get taken while rotten eggs get to stay is a big question of mine. Thanks for the honesty here. It has been such a struggle, and has taken a toll on my health. There is nothing good that comes out of this.
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