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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I received it; I have a cold and am feeling pretty crappy right now, but I will respond to it later (probably in a few days).
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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on
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I understand, Bluebird, thanks. It was quite a long message.Hope your cold is better, take some extra vitamin D for the immune system it works with me like a charm (5000 units a day).
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I know how you feel my husband died 13th March 2015 and I can not move on , we were so close . I to feel the same I would never want another relationship I wake up every day and ask God why can't you let me die I just want to be with my husband . My family have been so kind but it's just not the same . I wish I could take someone else's bad illness and let them live and me die .
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I feel the same way as you all do. My husband passed in June of 2015 and every single day has been a horrific struggle to just function. I go to work, I drive into work crying and I drive home from work crying. I come home and I cry, I eat dinner and take care of my pets and I go to bed crying. The pain of missing him and the pain in my heart for him and what he went through will terrorize me the remainder of my days. I tried a grief group but it was b.s. no one was as heart broken as me. They all go to dinner and talk about moving on, well I can't move on and I don't want to move on. My mom tells me that God will create a new path for my life but I don't HAVE a new path. My husband WAS my path in life and he always will be. Like you all, I have no desire or even glimmer of EVER dating or going out with anyone. No one is like my sweet husband and my soul is connected to him forever and ever. It feels unnatural for me to breathe, to eat, to do anything without him on this earth by my side. I just had an opportunity to interview for an Accounting Manager position with the state and I declined it because emotionally I cannot do anything. I stay at my current job because it is ten minutes from my home and I just want to get my paycheck in order to keep a roof over mine and my pets heads and come home. I don't want to deal with people or be a decision maker anymore, and although the benefits at that job would have been fantastic, I don't have any drive anymore like I used to to succeed. Before I was excited about my career because I was working for "US" and for our life together but now there is nothing. I do believe in God though however like you I sometimes get scared that it could be false but then I remember that all of the things Jesus told us in the bible thousands of years ago are coming true before our very eyes. There is even a scripture in Isaiah that says "Blessed are those who have their heads cut off in the name of Christianity"...look at what this world has come to and what the radicalists are doing to people in other countries. There is also a scripture that says that God deliberately made our human brains so that none of us will ever know or be able to know what he has for us after this life. He says that the dead know nothing, their consciousness is gone until they are raised again one day. What do you think DNA is for? I know in my heart that it is God's way of keeping track of us. You don't have to believe that, but why ELSE would every single living thing in this world have different DNA markers? And what is it really for? God also said he knows "every hair on our head". Now if that is not an indication that he is using that DNA, I don't know what is. Please remember that just because our human brains can not understand or imagine a great spirit such as God does not mean he does not exist. He allowed his son to die and be raised as an example for generations to come so we would know that he WILL do this for us. There were witnesses that saw it and wrote about it. True the bible is just a book written by other people, but it does explain so many things that we can clearly see are coming true. Those people back then had no way to know that in these days mothers would be rampidly killing thier own babies, that churches would be found to be corrupt, that there would be nautural disasters like the earth had never seen before...when did people EVER hear about tsunamis in the past? Yet they are happening more frequently. God also told us in Isaiah that just as the heavens are above us, so are his thoughts higher than ours and his reasoning. Don't be angry with what I am saying just please think about it for yourselves and remember that our husbands belong to GOD not to us. He allowed us to know them and to love them and although I agree it does seem cruel that we are all left here hurting constantly, that is why God tells us to have faith. He did not create or cause death, Satan did, the fallen angel that has been trying from the beginning of time to out do God and make us all turn against God but God told us too in that book the bible that the FINAL ENEMY DEATH WILL BE conquered in the end and we WILL be resurrected again.
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Judy,
Well I don't agree regarding the god/religion stuff, but if that helps you then for you its good.
You said "No one is like my sweet husband and my soul is connected to him forever and ever. It feels unnatural for me to breathe, to eat, to do anything without him on this earth by my side." It is absolutely like that for me as well.
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Judy,
I don't agree with the religious parts either, but it is good that you do. We all need our Faith, however it is for us. But everything else you said is right on the money for me. I did not lose a husband, I lost my older sister. My only sibling and it has pretty much destroyed my life. It is hard for me because it's hard to find anyone who can feel the same utter grief and heartbreak over a sibling as I do. Sibling Grief doesn't exist and at times I feel crazy, like something is wrong with me for feeling so deeply over losing my sister the way I do. But I do. We were VERY close and did everything together.
For all intents and purposes, she was my significant other. We talked about everything, she was always there. She was my go to person. We were pretty much just alike, we liked all the same things, we thought alike, we looked alike. There will never ever be a replacement and I don't think people understand that helpless, hopeless feeling when you lose a family member. That is DNA that can't be replaced.
When you said you didn't want to move on, I nodded. It is rare that people actually just admit to that. Most people want to say things like "how do I move on?" or say they want too. With grief, there is this pressure that we are all looking for a way to "move on." Sometimes we don't want to move on. I know I don't either.
I also feel close to what you said about not having the drive anymore to succeed or to be a decision maker. Absolutely! I feel the same way. I go to work, come home, put on my pajamas and get into bed. I look around the house and it is in shambles. I don't care about cleaning, organizing, nothing. I hate my job and I do want something else, I was also getting back on track with my writing and trying to find a career I loved--but that has been derailed.
I feel like I don't want to do anything without her. I wanted her here to share things with, to talk things over with, to help me make decisions. Life feels so empty now. This is not like the movies where someone dies and that makes the person want to storm ahead and go for that Olympic Gold! No, I don't feel that way at all.
I want another job, but that drive and passion comes from happiness and feeling determined and having a purpose. Yes, in reality we should have a passion for ourselves, but enjoyment for my life wasn't just being here by myself. I got happiness from those IN my life and that were a part of my life. Without that, life does not feel worth living.
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Hi Hollowheart, I totally understand. I have an older sister too that I love dearly and although I thank God I have not lost her as you lost your sister I am sure that is devastating as well. You have every right to be shattered from losing her, you guys grew up together and she was in your life the entire time you have been on this earth so anyone that feels you should not be grieving so hard for her is just heartless.
This is the most difficult and earth shattering thing to deal with and people that have not gone through it just do not have a clue. Like BluBird, my husband and I used to love going to flea markets and antique shops. He would gravitate right to the old tools, etc, and I would gravitate to the old furniture and knick knacks and now I can't even enjoy that because it just brings such sadness to my heart knowing he is not there with me to see everything. Sometimes I have a panic attack even at work and I just break down crying and feel like I've been punched in the stomach because although it's been almost nine months, I still can't absorb that my sweet husband is gone. I am also dealing with horrific guilt over forcing him to go to that evil hospital that killed him when he did not even want to go there. I feel like I'm being punished in this life for some reason but I know that cannot be true because I am a good person and so was he. Everyone has the right to their own opinion about God, but for me, I truly feel he is the only reason I am able to wake up every morning. I feel it would be blessing if I didn't wake up, but since I have no choice but to work in order to live, I am at least thankful that I somehow have the strength to go to a job everyday and it's really the only thing I have to keep my mind occupied for a few hours. All each of us can do is try to take each day one at a time and everyday we can get through is I suppose a step in the right direction since we are stuck here until it's our time.
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Dear Marie
I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through. All of what you've written resonates with me especially "I wish I could take someone else's illness and let them live and me die". I pray every day to be gone. I never imagined wishing for this.
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Marie,
It's the same for me. I will never "move on" (how I hate that fucking phrase!), and would never want to. My family is wonderful as well, which helps a bit (in that I know I am loved, and also they help me with practical/financial stuff), but as you said, it's just not the same. I have often wished that I could give whatever life I have left to a terminally ill child or parent (though I do first want to live as long as our cat -- well, I don't want to live, but I want to be able to care for him as long as he is alive, as no one else could really take him in).
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I hate that phrase, "move on," too - they must be crazy.
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You can't possibly move on my husband was my everything , people who say move on have never had there heart ripped out because that's how I feel . I'm so lost without him . Xx
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my soul mate died one month ago. we did everything together, we where one person. he was the kindest sweetest smartest person and standing next to him you knew your shortfalls. he made me 100x better person and he treated me like a princess. i feel very loved and blessed to even have experienced this. this is why i feel my soul has reached its maturity and i truly do not even desire anything more from life. its like time is suspended i feel completely numb. when i saw his death certificate...nothing. its like I'm not here and just in this cocoon of love we had together. i too do not have any faith and do not realistically believe i will ever see him again. I've got more chance of seeing him everyday around my house as he completely renovated it and i see him. i see him in all our stuff we chose together, i see him in all his family, i see him in his brother and sister. i text him every day. i talk about him to anyone i see every day. I'm in regular contact with his friends. i know that because he loved me i must have something nice in me that gives me confidence in being around other people (something I've always been really self conscious about).
people have not mentioned moving on and i feel no desire whatsoever to move on or even make plans. I'm just taking eating, sleeping, taking my dog walks.
its okay not to want to do anything whatsoever. its in fact what i believe is the next natural course of action.
i can't believe my heart did not stop when i found him dead, i cannot believe I'm still functioning. I'm not worried about anything because i feel I'm going to go any day now. I'm sure its shock and denial, and I'm going to get a tidal wave of reality hit me and break me into a million pieces, i just wanted to verbalise what i feel now as i feel abnormal for feeling nothing but i believe everyone has the right to feel how they feel and this forum is helpful for me.
i heard this man shouting about god in exeter highstreet and i honestly cannot believe people believe in that crap in this day and age(look at zeitgeist). its no comfort now but i believe eventually we will be able t disprove most of religion but thats going to be thousands if years away.
I'm sorry you feel depressed i suspect its all to come for me too, I've been so down and hopeless before this i had cbt, which helped and mindfulness. i don't know if thats part of the reason i feel like I'm feeling now? but your post was in 2013 and id like to know how in 2016 you are?
lots of love,
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