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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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wn i gt told way shid feal i feal ll sayin f@@@@koff piss off i do i no way i feall mest up weck
i do
if i dropt dead id be happy it lst i dnt suffr ir irs my falt u vid say
it lest thn i wud no ts my falt person dnf hsv a stroke coz of me or bif c coz of me or if wrld end coz me
if im rantin im sorry
2 dat day i need 2 rant u cud say
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Permalink Reply by Margo on
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Tonight was the closest I've come to an ER visit since my hubby died. Sometimes, I just canNOT get a grip and the uncontrollable crying goes on for hours. I can't believe my heart hasn't dribbled out my nose, yet.
Another random thought; When people say, "Your strong", I wonder how the fuck do they know? Are they watching me sob until I puke? Most of the people that say that shit wouldn't know me from Adam any other day. I wish they'd keep their personal opinions out of my face.
Okay, so I'm on a roll: Here's another thing that drives me crazy. People ask, "How can I help?" and I like to give some sort of answer to honor their gift of time and/or energy. But I seem to get an overabundance of eager little fucking beavers that want to jump right into my life, take the reins and ride me right off a cliff somewhere. I just want to tell them, "Hey, dude, get some freaking decaf, wouldja?" Buncha controlling assholes out there, y'know?
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I have heard my share of stupid things to. It's like they get a book 'dumb things to say to the bereaved'. I think what I hate even more than "you're so strong" is "Be strong for your Ma" Well, she is keeping it together much better than me. I never realized how much sibling death is minimized. So many people tell me to be strong for her. What about me?
I also hate when people say this was God's plan or something about God holding the cards or whatever. No. I know it was us not fucking calling 911 sooner. That is what happened. That is all that happened, we were fucking stupid ass idiots and took to long getting her the hospital. I feel like I"m in a nightmare. I wake up and can't find this world real. I can't not believe this has happened. I sincerely can't believe I will never talk to her again. I am still in a state of disbelief. And the fact I can't get past the guilt and stupid thing we did means I will never even attempt to find any sort of peace.
I think if I had a family and a large group of people I hung out with I would at least have that and other things to occupy my life, but the fact that she was the MAIN CENTER of my EVERY DAY makes this unbearable. I have thought about suicide and made little comments about not wanting to live to my Ma and she got worried, saying I can't leave her alone. I would never do it, but I really do feel like dying to end this daily struggle. I know I would not want to put her through that in losing both of her children.
I am the Walking Dead right now. I can't think of nothing else. I just don't think I can do this for the rest of my life. I was looking to find a new career and get back into writing and writing a short story, but there is no motivation for that anymore.
You have to be in stable, happy mental place to want to lead a productive life, not in a daily state of sorrow and pain. I can't just pretend I'm happy. Anytime i think of doing anything happy I think 'oh, she's not here to share this with me' Everything goes back to her not being here and being a part of my life anymore.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I cry for shorter periods these days, but I don't hurt any less. It used to be that I only felt anguish, then after a year or so I felt mostly anguish interspersed with brief periods of numbness, and now it's anguish about half the time and numbness about half the time. The anguish never really goes away, at all, sometimes it is just subdued a bit by the numbness. It all sucks, regardless, and I am never happy, never joyful, never even ok.
Margo, were you considering going to the ER because you couldn't stop crying? If you were thinking that maybe they would give you medication, I suppose maybe they would have, but it would probably be easier to get that from your regular doctor or from your therapist if you have one.
I don't know why people say "You're strong", either, at least not to me. No, I am fucking NOT strong, and I find it very insulting when people say I am, as that implies that I am somehow feeling better or give a fuck about life or am "moving on" (another phrase I hate, and which does not apply to me at all). I usually respond with "No, I'm not -- you just aren't with me when i am curled up in a ball, crying my fucking eyes out and saying my husband's name over and over again."
But yeah, people want to think that we're strong. I think the people who care about us want to think that because they want us to feel better, no matter how many times we tell them it isn't going to fucking happen; other people probably say it kind of as a way of warding off our pain and keeping it from them, maybe trying to believe that they would be strong in our circumstances.
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Yes, bluebird, I considered going to the ER because of the uncontrollable sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath and was seriously afraid of having a stroke. And that leads into another of my newly acquired terrors; having something happen to me while I'm here alone. It's so drastic I just can't consider it........but that stuff runs through my mind when I'm falling apart.
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I understand what you mean, as I worry about getting hurt or sick without my husband here, as well.
But only insofar as it might incapacitate me, or damage me but not kill me. I WANT to have an instantly fatal heart attack or the like, I WANT to die, I just don't want to be hurt and still have to keep living (which is the hell I am in now, only the hurt is emotional rather than physical).
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Without going back through all of your posts (no disrespect, but it's late), have you considered medication? What I'm hearing you say is that you don't wish to live on the terms that life has handed you, but neither do you want to die on the terms death may hand you. Am I misreading you?
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You are more or less correct in that I don't wish to live on the terms life has handed me, but I also don't wish to die on the terms death might hand me. However, ultimately I want to die, regardless.
As for medication -- if you mean an anti-depressant, then the answer is that i don't take one and don't intend to do so. In the past i have taken medication for anxiety disorder, but that made sense to me, as it comes from a chemical imbalance and medication can help with that. I am severely depressed because my husband died, and no medication can change that or help with it. I do need to take something every night in order to sleep (usually Benadryl, and on really bad nights i take Lunesta, a sleeping pill).
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Is Lunesta a prescription? I can't remember. I need something. I was so desperate last night I took some Nyquil. It sorta helped, it made me sleep enough that I think I woke up once and then was able to fall back asleep and wake up again when my alarm went off. I can't take waking up at 2am WIDE AWAKE and then staying awake until 6:00 when I have to start getting up for work. I think it's making me psychotic.
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Yes, Lunesta is a prescription. It's not a good pill to take if you have ever had addiction issues, as it can be addicting. I haven't had addiction issues, and I don't take the Lunesta that often, but when I need to I really need to, so I do.
Nyquil has a lot of alcohol in it, so I can see why that would help you sleep. Have you considered trying the Benadryl?
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