My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.

 

I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.

 

The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 

 

People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 

 

I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 3, 2015 at 11:20am

seams 2 be lot of spam on hear it wz  on chat yday

chloe try 2 hav a real loss a lovd 1 u will not sea agane or multi loss

Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on July 3, 2015 at 6:55pm

Thanks Jo for the note back. It seems until a person loses their own beloved person, they just can only guess what this is like. I felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest all day....slept the afternoon away...I want to visit Jesse's site, yet I don't...nothing really makes  sense at all...I am sure I will go to bed early....

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 4, 2015 at 1:13am

yep i no

bean getn pane in rht sdee of my chst but i no if i sea dr il be told its in my hed or or or im 2 fat thy will say we cnt win 

Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 4, 2015 at 7:54pm
Get the fuck out of my thread, "jasmine", you fucking scumbah spammer!
Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on July 4, 2015 at 9:25pm

Bluebird, I think some of these spam messages are automated...to get rid of this the moderator needs to delete all of the spam user accounts....just keep reporting in all of the users accounts that are generating spam....i notice in the feed that there is getting to be alot of them on the site...used to work on the web

Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 4, 2015 at 10:20pm

Thanks, Laurie. I know the messages are likely just autobots, but they piss me off.  Most sites are able to keep such spam messages from being posted, or at least the spam posts and accounts are deleted much more quickly if they do occur.  On a site like this one, I think they really ought to keep on top of it and delete the crap quickly.  I wish they would.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 5, 2015 at 1:17pm

thy bean getng on ohtr brevmnt sitees 2 ov bean on 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 5, 2015 at 2:02am

jasmin u takn piss 

we hear coz of loss or multi loss u shud try 2 hav a los or multi loss all u spams its slyd on hear u mak me sic u mak us all sic 

we hear coz of loss not 4 yore bull shit 

Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 19, 2015 at 8:47am

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY THREAD AND OFF OF THIS SITE, YOU FUCKING SCAMMER!!!!  NO ONE HERE WILL FALL FOR YOUR "WITCH DOCTOR" BULLSHIT, AND IN ANY CASE THIS IS A WEBSITE FOR PEOPLE GRIEVING ABOUT THE DEATHS OF THEIR LOVED ONES, NOT FOR PEOPLE WHOSE LOVER LEFT THEM BUT IT STILL ALIVE.  "DR ONOFE" IS NOT A "GREAT MAN", LOL, WHAT A FUCKING JOKE. 

NOW FUCKING LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 19, 2015 at 1:49pm

why dont u spams hakrs hakers so on put a spell on yore slfs let us on hear greif for loss we had or loses u cud say

coz lks of u it spam call it slf pity i bet u do 

its not slf pity 

its a pity u got on hear 2 haros us its had a loss /losses 

sic of sean mumbo jumbo shit spam evn spamd chat room on hear 

Permalink Reply by Dallas on July 28, 2015 at 4:03pm

Hello Bluebird,

I read the first couple of pages of your story. I myself am feeling very similar to you. I noticed you had planned on ending things within a certain amount of time. And that you are still here, way past that time. Which I am very glad to see. I just need to know if you are still feeling that way about things. And if not, what has changed your perspective. I lost my fiance 3 weeks ago. And I can't seem to pull it together.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 28, 2015 at 9:46pm

Hello Dallas.  I'm sorry for the loss of your fiancé.

Please bear in mind that what I'm about to say/type is my own perspective only, and not one I would necessarily recommend for you or for anyone else.  I hope you end up feeling/doing much better than I am.

I am still here, in this life, for a couple of reasons. One, I promised my family I wouldn't kill myself. Two, our cat needs me (I love him, but also he's sort of bipolar -- seriously, we took him to an animal behaviorist for his odd aggression -- and would be killed if taken to a shelter, and it would be very difficult for my family to take him in, for various reasons).  Three, if there is a god, I wouldn't put it past god to try to keep me from my husband if I killed myself.

That said -- I do not want to be alive. I hate my life now, and I truly wish I would die. If there's an afterlife, I want to die and be with my husband (and eventually the rest of our loved ones); if there's no afterlife, I would still rather die, as I prefer oblivion to an existence without my husband.

I hope our cat lives a long and happy life, but once his life is over I don't know if I will kill myself or not. I don't want to hurt my family, and I still don't know if god (if there is one) would try to keep my husband and I apart if I did, but I find this "life" unbearable. I mean literally unbearable, unfathomable, surreal -- the very idea of life without my husband is anathema to me. 

So yes, I still feel the same way about things.  In a way I wish I could say otherwise -- not for myself, as I know absolutely that it will never change, but because I would rather say something hopeful to you.  But I can't lie about something this important, and I wouldn't want to just not answer you either. 

This horrible experience is somewhat different for each person to whom it happens, so of course I can't know exactly what it's like for you, but I do understand somewhat.  One thing I can tell you is that, sucky as it is, the way you feel right now is an understandable and normal reaction to the death of your fiancé and the situation in which you therefore find yourself.  If you cry, if you scream, if you are completely numb and without affect, if you hate everyone, if you love everyone, if your faith is strengthened or destroyed, or some combination of these things in different ratios at different times -- whatever you feel, you are not crazy, and you are under no obligation to "pull it together" for anyone else.  Don't let anyone else dictate to you how to experience your grief.

I'm sorry my post isn't hopeful or positive.  There are people who are going through this who are doing much better than I am, people who can offer you more hopeful/positive perspectives.  If that would help you more, then I would encourage you to seek them out.  I would never want to play a part in making anyone else feel worse, or in making anyone else consider suicide -- I have no problem with you reading and commenting on my posts, and no problem with responding to you, as long as I don't have either of those effects on you.

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