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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Hi sunflower. I am still reading and replying. As for how I am, I'm as I've been since my husband died.
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Permalink Reply by sunflower on
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Thank you responding. I am only into my fourth month of losing my husband to a sudden death, he was an on and off alcoholic and walked out without saying goodbye 28 December last year, the police came 8 January to say thay had found his body. I feel as you that life is hopeless and I truly do not want to be here. Like you I have 2 cats one very elderly and feel I can not let them down but without them I would have joined my husband somehow by now. Also like you I feel suicide may not be the way to do this. I am older than you but do not have obvious medical problems, I think about joining him all the time. I have no family and until my mum passed away four years ago I was her full time carer and the few friends I had drifted away. I found this site in January and reading your messages from when you first posted have been of some comfort.
All my thanks for your starting this dialogue and to everyone who has replied to you it has been a life-line as you feel exactly as I do.
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I'm sorry, I think I wasn't receiving notifications that people had responded to my thread, so I didn't see your response until just now.
I am sorry for your loss. I understand that hopeless feeling, and not wanting to be here. I am glad that my posts, and those of people who have commented on my thread, have been somewhat comforting to you.
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Hi bluebird. I lost my only child 5 years ago and I resonate with many of the dark, horrible feelings you are expressing. People used to tell me all the blah blah blah s#%÷ about God and how there is a purpose to what happens to us, etc. These comments only fueled my anger at not having my daughter by me. I recently heard something that made more sense to me...instead of 'what doesn't kill me makes me stronger'(I have always hated that BS saying) I prefer 'what doesn't kill me severely abrades my soul'. Depression and anger and anxiety about my future is something I still have to manage. But i have a bit more inner calm now that has come with the passing of time. I will hope for some to come your way soon.
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Dear Katherine
I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing your only child. But I can understand the dark and horrible feelings which you & Bluebird express. I have those every minute of every day and they drain the life from me. I too have always hated that saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"It is Absolute BS. No truth in that whatsoever. I'm the living dead without my beloved husband - just walking this earth because my body refuses to give in. My mind/being wants to be gone - can't see any point in being here.
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Hi katherine. I am sorry for the loss of your child.
My family knows better than to spout shit to me about "god", or other platitudes. If anyone other than my family were to say that crap to me, I would (and have) set them straight. "What doesn't kill me severely abrades my soul" is much more accurate -- may I ask where you heard/found that phrase?
I will never be calm. I don't even want to be, though I do thank you for the sentiment. I will rage about my husband's death until the second I am able to leave this godforsaken life.
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Dear Katherine,
I'm glad you have found some calm, and I thank you for your good thoughts/wishes.
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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i got it off fotto imges i did
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Bluebird, you always understand my pain. I understand yours too.
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Hi there finally my membership got approved...i thought i was gonna die before it did hehe!anyway this is the most honest post/articulation of a widow's grief i have read online. I so wanted to comment since the 1st time i saw it.my husband died last month.he was healthy and suddenly got sick w/ this random infection i didnt even knew exists and immediately died, altho we had a chance to say goodbye but not really that much because i was 'prevented' most times to come near him as i am also 5months pregnant (and we are also only that many months married) he is only 33 and i am 35. I am pregnant w/ a baby boy and he already knew the gender before he died. He is also a pediatrician so i was really expecting on relying on him a lot on taking care of our baby.i feel like its such a waste that he died so young w/ such a promising career, a lot of good words from his colleagues and patients,the hospital even held a benefit concert for him, he was well loved.i dont understand.i prayed for a husband and a family for yrs and i think i did everything right why he had to die before we can even barely start our married and family life.right now i still have a lot of questions.it was hard when he was critical, when he died, during the wake/funeral and afterwards its getting even harder everyday...
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