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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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STOP POSTING YOUR FUCKING SCAM BULLSHIT ON MY THREAD, OR ON THIS WEBSITE IN GENERAL!!!
ARE YOU A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT???? SURELY YOU REALIZE THAT NO ONE HERE IS GOING TO FALL FOR A NIGERIAN BULLSHIT SPELLCASTER SCAM, LOL.
NOW FUCK OFF.
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STOP POSTING YOUR FUCKING SCAM BULLSHIT ON MY THREAD, OR ON THIS WEBSITE IN GENERAL!!!
ARE YOU A COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT???? SURELY YOU REALIZE THAT NO ONE HERE IS GOING TO FALL FOR A NIGERIAN BULLSHIT SPELLCASTER SCAM, LOL.
NOW FUCK OFF.
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Permalink Reply by Wendi McCallum on
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had the same loss...my husband of 22 years died 12 days ago. And I wish I had gone right along with him. They say that God can miraculously heal people from illness...but I prayed and prayed and prayed...and he still passed away. I got on my knees and begged God to have mercy on him, and on our family. I have been left with an adult son who has significant disabilities..to take care of on my own...don't get me wrong, I love him and he is probably the reason I haven't taken a header into the river or swallowed a full bottle of T3's...but it doesn't help ease the pain of losing the love of my life, and of watching him suffer for months before he finally succumbed to his illness, which was liver disease. Horrible way to go. The pain is unbearable. I have no desire to find anyone else, because I want my husband. I don't know how I'm going to handle another potential 30 or 40 years of this devastation, assuming I live into my 80's. It's like being shot right through the fucking heart with a rusty arrow...I don't know what the answer is...but I do know how it feels...and people who have never gone through it, well meaning as they may be, just don't get it.
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Thank you for posting in my thread, Wendi. I'm sorry for your loss, too.
This is literally the most horrible thing that has ever happened in my life. Like you, I wish I had died when my husband died. I have a wonderful family (parents, sister, brother-in-law); they love me, and I love them, but that's not enough to make me want to live. The other half of my soul has been torn from me, and I am bleeding, and it will never stop.
I'm sorry your husband suffered with liver disease. I do at least have the small comfort of knowing that my husband did not suffer, as he had a virtually instantly fatal heart attack, but then I never got to say any last good-byes to him, either, so each way has its horrors. As for handling another 30 0r 40 years of this devastation -- well for me, I refuse to do so. If I don't die within the next few years, I will take care of it myself. I am not recommending this for you or for anyone else, just saying what I will do. I would much prefer to just have an instantly fatal heart attack or instantly fatal stroke or the like, or even a car accident, as long as it kills me instantly and no one else is harmed. If I were to get cancer or something, I would not seek any treatment, and I know that would be harder on my family because they would want me to (and harder on me as well, I'm sure, and more painful, which I don't want).
For you, I hope you are able to find a way to be happy at some point, or at least at peace, if that's what you want. The added difficulty of having an adult son with significant disabilities of course makes things much harder, but as you said, he's also why you haven't killed yourself. Maybe for a while just keep focusing on him, maybe that would help? Also, when you feel able, take steps to make sure he will be ok after you die, whenever that may be (make arrangements with relatives, seek help from organizations associated with his particular disabilities, set up a trust fund or some kind of financial account for him that no one can take advantage of, etc.).
You said "It's like being shot right through the fucking heart with a rusty arrow....", and I completely agree with you. I don't think that anyone who is truly in love with her/his partner is meant to live through this, and if there were any kind of loving god, I don't think it would make us do so or expect us to do so. If you have faith in a god then I suppose that's good -- as for me, I was agnostic before, and am basically atheist now.
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Permalink Reply by kathleen akin on
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Wendi, I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering so. I have this ahead of me as I've been told there is no hope for my husband. We only found out what I have KNOWN for at least 2 years....that something serious was wrong. I was right. Liver cancer. Just in the time we found out (March 3rd) I can see death all over him. How can this be happening so fast? I don't know what I'm going to do. I have no one, really, to hang around for after he goes. They said 6 month to 2 years but that he "looked good for his age" What? His has spread to his adrenal glands. It's like dealing with snails getting anyone to call back with an appointment to tell us what happens next...but I guess Huntsman Cancer Center has ALL the time in the world. We don't. I'm just begging for more time.
Like you I beg and beg and beg at God. Can I have a miracle? Just one? Can I have my husband for 5 years???? How about that? Or can I find a way so that he doesn't hurt? How about that miracle. I'm trying to figure out how to get him pain meds. I don't care what happens to me. I'm not going to stick around after he goes.
I have 3 grown children and 3 grandchildren. They are going to hurt when I kill myself. Oh well. We all get to hurt over this I guess.
I'm so sorry reading your pain. I can't tell you.
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It has now been just over 2.5 years since my husband died. Nothing has changed, nothing is better -- nothing ever will change, nothing ever will be better, for me. It cannot. Every day is a nightmare, is surreal, even the days that go relatively well (days in which I don't break down crying multiple times, days when I take a shower, days when I go to work, days in which I have enough money to pay the bills). I still literally cannot believe that my husband is not in this world, and that I am. The entire world and everything in it is unreal to me now. Holidays mean nothing. Seeing happy families pisses me off. Seeing children upsets me, because now I will never have any. Even going to the grocery store upsets me, because I am not buying food for both of us, not buying my husband's favorite foods. This world, this life -- it is NOT real to me. This is some hell in which I am stuck until I can (hopefully) be with my beloved again.
I cannot believe in a loving god, either -- no loving god would put me through this, or expect me to live through it. Fuck the idea of bad shit happening in order to bring about "spiritual growth" -- I don't give a damn about "spiritual growth" anymore. ALL my husband's death has done is destroy everything -- stopped his life, stopped my life, hurt my family because they hurt for me and they know i want to die and they can't help me.
I REALLY hope there is an afterlife where I my husband has been since he died, where he is still himself, where he is happy and well, and where I will be with him when I die. And I hope I join him there as soon as possible.
But if there is no afterlife, I still hope I die as soon as possible. I cannot keep living with this pain, this horror, this nonexistent life. There is literally nothing I want in life anymore, nothing that makes me happy (even the things that used to). I would rather cease to exist altogether than continue with this farce of a life.
Let it fucking END.
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Thank you, MarieSte. Saying "I hear you" and "you are not alone" are really the only good things someone can say in response, and I thank you for knowing that and saying them.
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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I haven't posted here in quite awhile. It's been 13 months for me now, and I wish I could say something had shifted... but I'm still in hell, and that's where I anticipate staying for the rest of my "life." I tried-- I tried so hard to get out of the abyss, and for a little while I thought I could do it. I saw a little light, a little color, and I could almost believe there was something to hang on for. But it was a lie, a delusion, and I had the rug jerked out from under me again.
As before, I could have written your post almost word for word-- I do have kids, and so I'm stuck here, at least until they're old enough to take care of themselves (I'm hoping no more than a decade, my youngest is almost 10), but I'd be perfectly content to have a stroke or heart attack at any time. Cancer-- bring it on. Runaway semi? Fine, though I'd rather not traumatize my family too much. (This is also why I have to stifle the suicidal ideation I still consider daily.)
I exist; I don't live. I'm here for duty and obligation, that's all. I love my kids-- they're the only reason I'm still here-- but even they aren't enough to make me want to live again. I'm sure that makes me a terrible person, but I've given up apologizing for it. This is the hand I was dealt. It sucks, and I'm defeated. Utterly broken. No hope of recovery. Nothing to look forward to but years-- maybe decades-- of emptiness and pain. I don't want this-- I don't want to be here anymore. Sometimes I think I'm the one who died, and I went to hell.
There is nothing left of my husband. I don't feel him at all. I would love to think he is still somewhere out there, himself, at peace-- but honestly, I have no faith in the idea. When I think about him, about our life together, it's like I'm remembering a movie I saw once, or someone else's life. It's not real. I'm not real. None of this is real, and I'm so done. I want to go. I just want to go.
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Wander, I totally get what you are saying. My kids are already grown and gone and have their own busy lives. But I do, I really do think about suicide as my solution to what I see as a total waste of time once my husband dies. My world is very small. I have no friends, only him. My family ignores me because I don't attend church (LDS) I'm not a bad person, I don't sin in any way really...I look like the perfect Mormon, but I don't believe so I'm not going there.
I have had suicide idealization all my life. I am bipolar, it goes with the territory. I understand it but it never made a lot of sense to me since I met my husband Rocky. He was who I was meant to be with all my life. He should have been the father of my kids. He is my everything. Like I say, small world, no friends. None.
The only thing I have to think about is finding a place for my pets. That sounds lame, but I wouldn't just want to leave it to chance who got them.
You don't feel your husband any longer? That makes me so sad. My heart breaks for every one of us
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Hi Kathleen,
My world seems very small as well. I've always been introverted, and never felt the need for many friends-- I do have some, and they've been kind and supportive, but they all live in the computer. I have no local friends-- no one to just hang out with-- and very little family. I don't want to inflict my grief on my kids, so I try to keep the mask on around them. I often fail. I know I'm not being an effective parent, I feel terrible about it-- it's almost like they lost both parents in one fell swoop.
My husband was my everything. I guess I was wrong to make him my world, because without him, all I have is a hole. He's not here; he's gone entirely. I have no sense of him at all-- I rarely even dream about him. I think if there is something after this life (and I still hope there is), he's gone on-- he's finished with this plane altogether, and with me.
I'm so lonely, sometimes I think I'll die of it. I wish I would... but I couldn't get that lucky.
Hugs to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
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