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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Laurie,
That's what it was like for me as well, though I relied on my intuition more knowingly, as it had never steered me wrong before. I think I feel more betrayed than I otherwise would have, because of that. Betrayed by god, if there is one, betrayed by myself and my own sense of things. Clearly I cannot trust my own perceptions, because I was so wrong -- and therefore I cannot trust my perception when it comes to possible signs from my husband. That's why I really need him to come directly to me. It's not his fault I can't seem to believe anything less than that, it's mine. But because he hasn't come to me that way, awake or asleep, I am terrified that the reason is that he no longer exists, that there is no afterlife and that when we die that's it. I don't know if that's how it is, but it's possible, and that possibility terrifies me.
I did not know that my husband would die. Before we moved from our previous apt. to the one we were living in when he died (moving from one state to a neighboring state), I had a feeling of urgency, that I needed to leave my job and that we needed to move -- but I thought that meant that something bad was going to happen at my workplace (like them laying people off or closing the company or something) or at our apartment (maybe a fire or a robbery or something). I also kept seeing the number 14 everywhere, and i had hated that number since our little female cat had died on Jan. 14th a few years previously. But I thought that either I was just imagining it or, if there was anything to it, that it had to do with the job or the apt. But I didn't know my husband would die, and if he knew he never said anything to me, and I was and remain completely blindsided. Which is to say that I don't think it's any easier when you don't know ahead of time than when you do.
I can understand why you feel guilty, although I don't think you actually are guilty. I feel guilt for things, too -- for not somehow making my husband go to the doctor (just for a general checkup, but they probably would have caught his heart problem), for not making him eat healthier and completely stop smoking, for not trying harder to get a job once we moved here so that there would be less stress on him, etc. But while I continue to feel guilt over that last point, as regards the first two points I really had very little control, and couldn't actually make him do those things. And my understanding of it is that even if you had taken the possible pre-death warnings of your son more seriously, that wouldn't have actually prevented him from dying, so you are not at fault or responsible for his death.
Thanks for the link you provided; I read the blog post, interesting reading.
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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on
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MarieSte,
MarieSte
The truth about your dreams comes from you. If you feel and know it,then is true. I had visitation dream from my Husband three weeks ago. The different from my other dreams,this one was literal and straight forward that lasted only less 20 seconds. Before having this visitation dream it was like in between sleeping and awake. Just before moments having this dream I saw blackness as those I was seeing a black piece paper and all of sudden the visitation dream popped up in mind. The dream was so vivid, I remember everything. In my dream,I was saying,"Where are you John" while walking in my kitchen to turn around to the point I stopped where I tuned the corner to go down the hallway,I repeated this one more time calling out same thing but the second time I turned the corner and there was my Husband's spirit smiling in front of our bedroom door. I have never had a dream like this before. Most of all my dreams I never quite remember and when I can't figure out want the meaning is. Knowing my husband to be a simple man,it kept it short,simple and sweet. I will never forget this for the rest of my life. Though I really don't want to die but I can't wait see my loving husband smile again.
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Permalink Reply by MarieSte on
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Val thank you for sharing your visitation dream. It's wonderful you had the experience and got to see John.
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I'm so blessed to have received so many signs from my Husband's spirit. Also deceased loved ones uses nature to communicate with us. Last week a little baby bee came flying on rear view mirror. It never moved until I tapped on rear view mirror then it started to fly in swirling motion in front my windshield. This meant my Husband was close to me. All this ADC coming from Husband in his character and personality. The most compelling sign is when I woke up on Xmas eve morning when I found "Tis The Season" (To Be Jolly) are already googled. I know I didn't google search it or my grand daughter because she would have to step over me to type in on my PC and I hated xmas music. This fits him like a T in reference to my Husband's personality. This is no brainer to figure this one out. The message from Husband was he wants me to be happy. Then on Xmas day my cell was on all day and all of sudden my phone cell was turned on by itself witnessed by me,grand daughter and my son. First of all who turned it off to begin with to be turned on again. This just another sign from Husband,saying I here with you. Open your hearts and minds to feel your loved one in the spirit world and say Thank You when they show us how much they love you by blessing us with their loving signs. This is no easy task for our deceased loved ones to communicate with their ones loves on earth. I know my Husband's is working hard to make sure I know he still loves,protecting and with me in spirit.
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Oh Zell what a wonderful visit just when you needed it, thank you for sharing it with us.
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OH Zell, what a nice picture of you both..that is amazing what you felt this morning. WOW and I'm so glad you felt him there with you. hugs..
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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on
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Wow, Zell, that is so wonderful for you...what a treasure to hold on to...thanks for sharing.
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Val and Marieste, thanks for sharing your visitation dreams.
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Permalink Reply by black dog on
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i have been reading these posts for well over an hour now...
i cried many times and was completely blown away by how similar we all are in our mutuality for not having any desire to move on.
i lost my fiance, who i have been with for 8 years and known as a friend for well over 10, died on december 12, 2014.
there is no way to cope. there is no fix. i am already expected to be strong enough to get my life together and be happy. i don't see this happening. and the mere thought of betraying my Josh by allowing some other man to take his place is disgusting. it is literally a physical reaction of illness.
we had a daughter, 8 years old, who is my only purpose for continuing on.
each day intensifies the loss. smelling him still, remembering what we had done together, what we had planned to do...
i have so much to say about him but it seems like a chore to type right now. probably because i know the tears will come again. they are the heaviest tears i have ever felt.
everything is bleak and i grow wearier and wearier and i, too, beg for my life to not be a long one. i cannot commit suicide but i also do not want to prolong my suffering more than need be. the only thing i am truly looking forward to is the day i die so i can find out whether or not i will be re-united with my love. my soul is long-gone but this body remains to care for others.
i am sorry for you all. i hope our pain is rewarded in the end. i hope this isn't for nothing. this deep of a connection surely cannot just be cheapened by the death of our flesh... right?
hope is all i have.
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