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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 16, 2014 at 3:29pm

Zell,

You said that people say to focus on the good memories, and that "I cant even dwell on the good memories because thinking of them intensifies and brings to remembrance how much I have lost and what can be no more.  Even when something good happens it is meaningless and quickly turns to more pain because the only person I want to share that with is him.  I miss him in those moments because I cant share it with him, I miss him in troubled moments because he was the only one who really understood me and was able to comfort me in his special way."

I totally understand that; it's the same for me. When I try to think about good times we had in the past, it only makes me more sad, because there will never be any new memories with him. When the rare good thing happens it means nothing and isn't really good, because he isn't here to share it with me. When a bad thing happens, it's that much worse because he isn't here to comfort me.

I also miss my husband the most at night. I can't just wrap my arm around him, and he can't wrap his arm around me. I will never cuddle with him ever again (in this life, at least).  And, while this is not the most important thing, it does matter -- I will never make love with him again either, in this life. Which to me means I will never make love again, because I will never be with anyone else (my husband is the only person I've ever made love with). I am 46, and the rest of my life will be devoid of lovemaking, and devoid of my husband's physical presence in my life, and as far as I know devoid of him at all.  Why the fuck would I ever want to stay in this hell??!? Why would anyone else ever expect me to or want me to, knowing how much I'm hurting???!?????

Like you, I can't fall asleep, and then when I wake up in the morning I am exhausted.  I have to take either Benadryl (most nights) or Lunesta (really bad nights) every night, in order to get to sleep at all.  Sometimes I still wake up moaning, as I did for the first few months after my husband died. I wake up into pain, and my soul and body know it, so I moan without even knowing I'm doing it. Many times I've woken myself up with the sound.

I used to really look forward to getting home from work, because my beloved would be at home waiting for me (our work schedules were such that he got home a couple of hours before I did). Now there is no reason to come home, other than to feed and love on our cat, and even there I am failing (that is, I feed him, and I do love him and pet him and speak sweetly to him, but he needs to play a lot more than I am able to do with him, as he is a young, active, athletic cat).

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 19, 2014 at 5:56pm

Zell,

Luckily I am alone at work much of the time, so if I groan there no one can hear me. But mostly I find myself groaning in my sleep, especially as I'm waking up, I suppose because I know I am waking to another pointless day without my love.

I am falling apart as well. For some reason it's extra bad right now, I don't know why. I'm sorry to hear it's the same for you. I try to distract myself sometimes too, by watching certain tv shows and by playing games online, but it doesn't really work. I can't watch love scenes on tv either, nor weddings, or anything will happy couples or happy families.  IF there is an afterlife where my husband and I will be reunited, that's great, but we should have had our life here first, including many years to just be together and do things couples do together, including lovemaking. I miss kissing his soft lips. :-(

I don't know why anyone would expect us to fill our emotional and physical needs for our mates with anything else.  There is nothing else. I love my family and they love me, but that is separate from my love for and from and with my husband. Those relationships are those relationships, but he is my soul. As you said, "The need for my partner goes much deeper than anything this world can offer."

Winning the lottery wouldn't make me happy or excited, either. I still would like it to happen, just so that I wouldn't also have to worry about keeping my apartment or having heat in the winter or having food. If I won a lot of money, I would just find and buy a small house, and a new car, and that's it.  And I would give some to my family, and some to charity. But at the same time, I would feel so bad because my husband wasn't here to enjoy it, and to live a happy life with me and without worry.

Absolutely, there is no fix for this. It doesn't get better, at least not for me, and not for some of us. For some people I guess it does get better, and that's good for them I suppose, but people need to understand that it does not get better for some of us, ever.  As you said, "They have no idea how meaningless life is without him..."

I hate it when people say to get out and be around people -- that does make it worse, because as you said then you come home and your husband isn't there. And I do NOT want to see happy couples or happy families. It's not their fault that they're happy, but I don't want to see it, so it's better all around, for everyone, if I just stay in my apartment. As you said,"The happy world represents everything i dont have..why would i subject myself to that?"

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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on November 17, 2014 at 10:42am

Bluebird and Zell, been reading the thread.

 

From Bluebird, "When I finally found some posts/threads that said things straight out about how fucking horrible this is and always will be, at least for some of us, it was a bit of a relief, I'll tell you."

 

I agree Bluebird. After losing my son, Jesse, and we are now in trial and the girl who ran him over I believe will get off. Everything my son was about, intregrity, his character, honesty is going to be destroyed by some corrupt cops who cannot admit they fucked up royally with their investigation. So they will all be covering their asses.

 

I am sick with worry about him. In my case we had a "knowing" of death being close. For me to stay here in this world is intolerable. I try to get through the day the best I can only to suffer horrible nightmares too often. I am so angry that if I died from a heart attack I would say "GOOD" and everyone go and have a party because I am so pissed that this is my life and my son died so horribly with with people who are bent on lying about his death to cover their asses.   I now get to go to two burial sites now for the weekend while friends go home and sit at their table with their loved ones.

I have done my will, have life insurance and just wait until I stop breathing. I wish it could be different but I have always been a person of the heart. Jesse had grown up to be my best friend. I feel so laughed at, one son, the infant, I did not take to the doctor because I thought he was better. He died from SIDs the afternoon after I called the doctor, I wasn't even told that such a thing as SIDs existed. The other son, Jesse I tell to go to the doctor for some asthma problems and some fucking stupid bitch runs him over in his own lane in the morning. No obstructions of view. Am I a laughing cosmic joke?

 

Thanks for both of your honesty about how this journey sucks.

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Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on November 17, 2014 at 10:44am

I have not been able to return to any kind of work because I now suffer from PTSD so bad. It is enough just to do the daily chores.

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Permalink Reply by Pam on November 17, 2014 at 11:55am

It's 450 days since my beloved husband died and I don't know how or why I'm still here. This existence feels like a prison....this body is my prison & no matter what messages/signals I send, it just keeps functioning. My only prayer is that it will just cease functioning, or that I'll develop a terminal disease - that would be the equivalent of a lottery win for me - knowing that I'd soon be reunited with my darling and out of this hell. I face each morning, pissed off that I'm still here and with the dread of yet another 24 hours without him. I have zero motivation so even taking a shower is exhausting. The house is a mess - because he's not here to share it, I don't cook because he's not here to share it. Without him here there's no point in carrying on. None whatsoever. No one I know can understand this - they can't because its not happened to them. I didn't know that I would want to die - but it had never happened to me. I've lost my sweetheart - my meaning,my purpose, my soulmate and my life.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 17, 2014 at 9:31pm

I feel the same way, Pam. There is no reason for me to be here, and even if i'm wrong about that and there is some reason, I don't give a fuck -- I don't want to be here, I don't care about whatever i'm "supposed" to do, if there is such a thing, I just want out.  I'm done.

I would rather have an instantly fatal heart attack or the like -- I don't want to be ill for a while, and if were to have a disease I know my family would try to talk me into getting treatment for it, so it's easier to just die instantly.

I know what you mean about facing each morning with dread. I often wake up moaning, I am so sad and angry. 

I have zero motivation either. I basically shower every three days or so, and I only do that because I have to go to work, otherwise I doubt i'd bother.  The apt. isn't a mess, only because I have OCD and can't leave it that way, and also I don't want to get bugs, which might happen if I left dirty dishes or the like. But I agree about cooking -- I enjoyed cooking meals for the two of us; now I just buy microwaveable stuff, or stuff that's very easy to cook, like pasta. Food doesn't even taste good anymore, even things I used to really like.

I do understand about there being no point in carrying on because your husband is dead. People who haven't had this happen can't understand, but some of us who have, can. It's hell, it's torture, it's insane, it's wrong, that we are stuck in this.

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Permalink Reply by Pam on November 18, 2014 at 4:34am

Bluebird

Yes I totally understand why you'd prefer a quick death. I would too, but if I become ill then that's ok as I won't go to see the doctor for checks, screening etc. I think I'd know instinctively if there were something serious, so I'd manage the symptoms for as long as possible before seeking help & hopefully, by then, perhaps palliative treatment would be the only option. Also, I've completed an Advanced Decision, so my family know (& respect) my wishes, should I become seriously ill. It may seem selfish & it's certainly what my husband would NOT have wanted. But all I wish for now is to be with him again.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 19, 2014 at 5:58pm

Pam,

Same here -- if I become sick I won't go to the doctor. I've stopped doing the yearly gyno visit and mammogram. I still take my blood pressure medication, only because my family knows I take that and I said I would continue to do so.  I really have to do the Advanced Decision / DNR, though. I know my family won't agree, and I fucking HATE that I have been put in the position of hurting my family in the process of trying to end my hurt. But I can't live like this.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on November 17, 2014 at 9:20pm

Laurie~Jessie's mom, 

I really am sorry your son was killed in an accident; the suddenness of my husband's death is horrible for me, and i'm sure it's the same for you, and having to deal with a trial and corruption just makes it worse.

I agree that staying here in this world is intolerable. Nothing in this world is real to me anymore, nothing has substance, nothing matters. I mostly don't have nightmares, but then I don't really dream much anymore either. I have to take Benadryl or a sleeping pill every night in order to sleep.  I know what you mean about being angry -- I am fucking pissed off at god (if there is one) and the universe and everything. I WANT to die of a heart attack, that would be my preference, since that's what happened to my husband. And I would prefer that it happen tonight. I really don't want to have to deal with Christmas and New Year's again -- they mean nothing to me, without my husband here with me.

It's good that you have your will and your life insurance in order. I have nothing to leave to anyone, other than a few personal items, and I can't afford life insurance, so that's that. I suppose I should do a will, anyway. I really need to do a DNR, though (a "Do Not Resuscitate" order).   Of course your PTSD is awful, but at least you are able to get by without working. I don't have a choice; I work because I have to, in order to even sort of pay the bills, but I don't make enough as it is. I know what you mean about it being "enough just to do the daily chores" -- yesterday I put away some clean laundry and hung a shower curtain, and that was it, that was all I could do, and it took me all day to work up to doing those things.

I can understand why you are so angry about having two children die, even if it was far apart. And I understand why you feel "laughed at".  My husband dying literally one week after our wedding makes me feel like god, if there is one, just laughed and said "Yeah? Well fuck the both of you!".

I'm glad my honesty helps someone. I can't be any other way; I've never been much for lying anyway, and now I just don't have the energy to "fake it", nor do I see any point to it.

 

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Permalink Reply by Pam on November 18, 2014 at 3:57am

Bluebird

I'd like to thank you for having the honesty and the courage to start this thread.
Your honesty really has helped me - just to have a safe place to share with you & others who really do understand. It helps me realise that there are those of you who feel the same way. No one here is judgemental nor do you give meaningless platitudes about 'there is a purpose' blah blah. There truly is no purpose now - this isn't a life, it's an existence and its not worth the effort. I do believe that my family & loved ones want me here - but I don't want to live a minute longer. that's an awful dilemma. But it's the truth.

I know exactly what you mean about the exhaustion. From what Ive been told that's about having no motivation, no spirit, no purpose, which means that the body has to do all the work. I understand that because even when my darling was sick, he was here and was my life. Of course I got tired, but loving him & being loved was all that mattered. I know my spirit went with him & it won't come back in this life. So it's a matter of going through the motions, sad, lonely and exhausted. There's no point is there?

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Permalink Reply by Apple on November 18, 2014 at 5:28am

I just woke up to have to face another day and it is torture. How will I make it another 24 hours alone? I hAve been doing it 6 years now and it is not one bit better like people said it would be. I know there are people who have illnesses who want to live so why can't they stay on this earth with their spouse and I go to mine? Yes, the holiday days are especially horrible as all the couples and fun times of being a couple are right in my face and it makes it all more evident that I was robbed of that joy. If I say these things to people they show anger that I would feel that I do not want to live without my husband when there are people who are physically sick and "would love to be in my shoes." Well mental sickness and grief are torture too. The injustice one feels is overwhelming. It is not that I don't want couples to have each other, I am glad they are happy. I know what that is like but the torture is not knowing why my husband and I were robbed of our life and my children robbed of a father?

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Permalink Reply by Apple on November 18, 2014 at 5:54am

I do know a few widows who have remarried or appear happy and I wish I knew their secret because I don't feel any relief. It was like a celestial joke that there is an archer in the sky shooting death arrows randomly at people and laughing. Well my husband got hit and suffered a six month tortuous death of wasting away. Some say that God has a plan...well what kind and of a plan involves torturing an honorable and good man and leaving a widow and fatherless children. Not to mention how society treats widows after the death. It was like they saw blood in the water and swooped in. There were many people who cared and tried to help but there were also sharks who came in for the prey. I could bear such things when I had my husband to buffer all the worlds hurt but now I face it all alone.

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