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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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I typed a long reply to this, and apparently the demons of the internet ate it. I guess it doesn't matter, it was basically a great long "DITTO!!!!!!"
I'm like Mulder on The X-Files-- I want to believe. But I've reached the sad conclusion that there either is no god, or if there is, he's an uncaring sadistic bastard, like a kid who likes to pull wings off butterflies or fry ants with a magnifying glass.
Someone asked me how I was, and because it was a person I feel comfortable being real with, I answered exactly how I felt: "My life is over, this existence sucks shit, I hate every minute, and I wish I were dead." He very prudently kept his mouth shut, didn't try any of that "whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger" crap.
It's been nearly 4 months, and I cry day and night. My face is chapped from the tears running down it constantly. My chest hurts all the time-- I just got through mowing my lawn, and by the time I was finished, I could hardly breathe-- so WHY CAN'T I JUST FREAKING DIE?!?!?!?! I'm done, I'm so done. I don't want to be here. I want my husband. I want him NOW.
If something doesn't take me out of this miserable world soon, I'm going to do it myself, I think. I don't want to hurt my family, I really don't, but I can't bear this. I don't care anymore who thinks I'm selfish or weak or a coward. No one should have to exist in constant, abject agony.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I agree with you about god. Or, at best, god is a being that cannot actually do anything to help us, so in what way is that "god"?!?
I'm like you, when someone asks me how I am I tell them the truth. I don't care who it is, I am not going to pretend my life is anything but torture and anguish now. It's good that you were able to say the truth to your friend, and that he didn't spew clichés when you did.
I don't cry as much as I did, though I am sad all the goddamn time. For me the best it gets and will ever get is to be numb for a few minutes. That still doesn't diminish the sadness, it is just slightly less immediately horrific than the rest of the time. When the best my life is ever going to be is a few moments of numbness, why the hell would I want to continue this life?!?? And why would my loved ones want me to??
I'm like you -- I just want to die, now. I am done with this fucking life, I do not want it, I will never want it. Even if there is no afterlife, I would so much prefer oblivion to his existence without my love, and that is the fucking truth. I won't allow myself to live much longer, either.
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Precisely. I realised a few days ago that "okay" is the absolute best I can hope for. Meaning I'm not literally prostrate with grief-- I can force myself out of bed, go to work, take care of the kids, go through the motions. That's the best. Why is that something I should try to maintain or extend in any way??
My husband's brother and sister-in-law had their second son today. They named him after my sweet husband. That should make me smile, shouldn't it? Instead it broke my heart all over again. That should have been us. That should have been our baby. It wasn't supposed to be like this, damn it!!! It wasn't!!!!!!!
If I could have one wish granted tonight, it would be for a vessel to burst in my brain, or to have a massive heart attack in my sleep, so I wouldn't wake up again.
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Yep. Why would anyone want to maintain or extend this kind of "life"? My family tells me that it will get better, or that it can get better, or could if I would let it. Bullshit. There is no "better" without my husband here with me. It is up to me to determine when my life is no longer worth living, and that is what I have determined. I know my family loves me, and I know they mean well, but they can't make the determination as to whether or not my life is still worth living -- only I can make that determination.
It is sweet that your husband's brother and SIL named their child after you, but of course it breaks your heart. My nephew (my husband's sister's son) had a baby with his girlfriend, and they gave the baby my husband's name as a middle name. I'm touched that they did that, but at the same time my husband should be here carrying that name (the baby can carry the name too, of course, but first and foremost it should be my husband). As you said, it should have been you and your husband with a baby carrying his name, and it should have been me and my husband with a baby carrying my husband's name.
Like you, I constantly hope and wish to have an instantly fatal heart attack and die, preferably in my sleep. I'm sorry life is such shit for both of us, and for almost everyone here.
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Permalink Reply by BlackSky on
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Hi Bluebird, I am sorry for your loss. I dont know how to cheer you up because you seem really sad about your husband's death. I know you will hate this, but you need to move on. I am sure your husband wants you to be happy, not mourn everytime. Cheers
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Thank you. I am devastated by my husband's death, and i always will be. There is no "moving on" for me -- my life ended the moment his did. I KNIW that my husband would want me to be happy -- i know him better than anyine else, i know exactly what he thinks/feels -- but that is not and never will be possible. For some people, definitely for me, "moving on" is neither possible nor desired. My soulmate died, so i died -- period.
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This is how it is for you Bluebird and reading your posts, it's plain to see that you may always be in mourning. When one loses their soulmate, they also die...just because the body functions doesn't give us 'life' nor does it give meaning. Like you I find it impossible to be happy without my Husband. We don't get over loss as profound as this, and time doesn't heal either. All time does (for me anyway), is prolong the agony and is a constant reminder - hour by hour - of missing my love. Missing him grows, it hasn't even slightly subsided.
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Exactly right. It's horrible, but that's just how it is. Like you, missing my husband only grows, and has not even slightly subsided.
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Yes, just so. Today I was told-- by a chaplain, mind you-- that I need to "move on." I told her flatly that I had to keep breathing until I could figure out a way to stop, but I would never "move on." I will not, I cannot "move on" and leave my soulmate behind. In two days it will be two months since he died-- since I died. Nothing will change that. This miserable existence is hell-- no joy, no peace, no future. Just a bleak grey wasteland.
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Bluebird, but your family loves you, if something bad happened to you they will feel the same like you do now towards your husband. There are many paths in this life, and yes God has better plans for your life
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Thank you, Zell. You are exactly right (of course, you are dealing with the same kind of thing, so you know).
As you said -- family members are wonderful (if you've got a good, loving family, which I do), but they do not and cannot take the place of one's dead soulmate/spouse/partner. If only our bodies would do as we will, and simply stop.
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