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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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I'm sorry your mother died, and for your loss. I can understand you feeling some peace that at least now she is free from pain.
I also understand being in hell now, having so much pain you want to die, not feeling any joy or happiness. That's what life is for me now, too. I know my husband wants me to be happy, but without him here with me, that simply isn't possible, and never will be. I hope it is possible for you at some point.
I do have a job, but only because I don't have a choice if I want to have an apt., food, etc. I have no strength or motivation; luckily my job doesn't require a lot of brainpower, because my brain simply doesn't work as it used to (I was an immigration paralegal for about 8 years at a law firm, and did other work there before that -- I'm glad I don't have that job anymore, because there's no way I could do it now). If you are financially able to not work for a while, it might be best for you to just take some time and not work. As far as eating -- I ate almost nothing for three months after my husband died. I lost a lot of weight (I needed to lose it anyway, though). Since then, I eat a lot of junk food, and have gained back all the weight I lost and more. Some days, though, I barely eat anything. I often feel like throwing up. I don't want to be in my body anymore, because it separates me from my husband.
As for the afterlife -- I truly don't know if there's an afterlife or not. I think there is the possibility of one, though. That's really ALL I want, to be with my husband again. I would rather we first live out our life together here as we were meant to do, and then go on to an afterlife together, but since that didn't happen then I just want to be with him in the afterlife as soon as possible, if there is an afterlife. But I do understand how sad it makes you, believing that you won't see your mother again because you don't believe there's an afterlife. For me, the worst part about all of this is not knowing for sure that my husband is happy and ok, that he is still himself (not some amorphous part of a god I care nothing about), and that we will be together again and forever. Not knowing all that makes life hell. The second worst part is not having him here with me.
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Permalink Reply by Casey on
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I lost my mom to cancer too. I eat alot of junk food. My mom is my everything and i dont think I can nor do i want to be happy again. I am doing a part time job , a very boring call centre job to occupy my time. I cry all the time, and i need my mom back. My mom said we will meet again. I dont know if we do meet again if she would recognize me because of reincarnation. I want to believe she still exists and we will meet again but i can't be sure. If i cant see her again, i just want to die now.
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I eat a lot of junk food too. I cannot be happy again either, nor would I want to be, without my husband.
I have a job where I work about 30 hours a week. I don't have a choice, as I have rent and other bills to pay. I wish I didn't have to work.
I'm sorry your Mom died. I hope reincarnation does not exist, or if it does I hope we have a choice as to whether or not we participate in it. I don't know if there's an afterlife, but I hope there is, so that I can be with my husband again and you can be with your mother again.
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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me 2 casey eat a lot of junk it least junk food nums pain for a bit i no i shud say it but it dose
all i no i juts wish death of plele i no wud slow dwn coz im sic of death
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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on
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This is what I believe about the afterlife.
1) When a person dies they go into a deep sleep. They are not aware of anything.
2) This condition will continue until things change on the earth. (I believe they will)
3) When things become better on earth so that it is a paradise, those who have died will come back to life and will live forever.
4) Those who are living at that time will also live forever
There will come a time when no one will get sick, no one will die, and we will have lasting peace.
What does this mean for anyone who has lost someone dear to them.
One day you will be reunited with your loved one!!!!!! You will live forever with them. Right here on earth, in much better conditions...never to be separated again.
I realize that all of this sounds completely different and very unusual...maybe even impossible, but it is what I believe, and I use this HOPE in my future to keep me moving forward.
Even if I were to die I would then sleep, not knowing anything, until I come back to life on earth along with those that I had lost in death. Either way...I will be reunited with my loved ones.
I can't wait!!!!!
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I respect your views, Dennis, but I definitely do not share them. A dead person cannot be "sleeping" -- our bodies sleep, our spirits (if they exist) do not. Or do you mean that our souls go into a kind of statis?
In any case, I don't believe that's what happens -- but then I'm not a Christian of any kind, much less a fundamentalist Christian. If our souls exist at all, and if there's an afterlife, then I believe we go there immediately after death, or very soon after death. Anyway, all I care about is being with my beloved husband (and other loved family members & pets) as soon as possible, and forever.
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Bluebird,
I don't believe that we have a soul, or a spirit, that maintains life or consciousness outside of the body.
I believe that we are a soul. And when we die we no longer have consciousness.
This understanding helps me in many ways. I personally don't have any of the questions that so many suffer with as they mourn.
I totally respect your views. There is no way I can even come close to knowing how you feel, but I feel very very much for you. To me...you are an outstanding wife. Your husband...an outstanding one. If more husbands and wives displayed the qualities that you do...the world would be a MUCH better place.
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I don't know if our souls continue to exist in any way after death; I don't know if there is any kind of afterlife at all. If there is, then the way our brains maintain consciousness is, in my opinion, not really important -- that is, I think it's probably a primitive existence as compared to the existence we experience once we die, if there is an afterlife at all. So no, we would no longer have what we currently understand as "consciousness", the consciousness of the human brain, but we would have a much deeper, broader version of consciousness (IMHO).
I respect your views as well, even though it seems that you and have opposing views on so many things, lol. But you seem honest and respectful, and so I feel that you deserve the same in return.
Thank you for saying that my husband is an outstanding husband, and that I am an outstanding wife. We definitely are those things to each other; I only wish we had had many more years in this life to be so. One good thing, though, is that I know my husband knows how much I love him, and I know that he loves me just as much -- we told each other at least once every day, usually much more than once, and we showed each other our love in so many ways. I have no doubt that he has always known that he is my love, my heart, my soulmate, and I have always known the same about him.
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I read a lot of your posts but I never responded. You seem so devoted to your husband, I feel the same way about my mother. Before my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I was an agnostic, but now I realize that atheism and agnostic(sm)? offer no hope to me.
My mom was a casual Buddhist, and I really like many ideas about Buddhism but definitely not reincarnation because my mom would have no memories of who I am in the next life. I also can’t convince myself to become a Christian or a Muslim or Jewish, they are all so farfetched to me.
*Sigh* I am just , like you, trying to find some scientific proof of the afterlife. Some abstract scientific theories that cannot be proven or disproved, or personal accounts of near death experience, so far, I don’t feel much better about my chances of seeing my mother. But I am also sure that suicide is probably going to destroy my chances completely to see my mother, so I am just stuck here, waiting to die.
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My husband and I definitely were devoted to each other. Neither of us was/is perfect, to be sure, but we truly love each other and always thought of each other and tried to do what is best for us and our relationship.
Before my husband died I was agnostic as well; I called myself a "hopeful agnostic", in that I didn't know if god existed or not, but I hoped that there was a kind, loving, sentient god. Since my husband died, I'm more or less atheist -- I still don't know if there's a god, but now I don't give a fuck if there is or there isn't. ALL I care about now is whether his beautiful soul still exists, about whether he is happy and whether he is still himself, and about being with him again, preferably as soon as possible.
Buddhism has its good points, in my opinion, as do most religions, but I agree with you about reincarnation -- it doesn't appeal to me either, and even if it does exist I will not participate in it if I have any choice in the matter (i.e., if we really do have free will).
I don't really view myself as trying to find some scientific proof of the afterlife, though certainly it would be great if there were some. But for me, what I really want/need is to see and speak with my husband -- I'm fairly certain that only he could convince me, only a real experience with him could convince me. When I read about other people's personal accounts of NDEs, interacting with dead loved ones, etc., I find them interesting and sometimes they make me feel a bit better for a few moments, but that's about it.
I'm not sure if suicide destroys our ability to be reunited with our loved ones (assuming that an afterlife exists at all). If there is no god, then who would be keeping us from our dead loved ones if we kill ourselves? If it's a matter of self-judgment, then I'd be fine, as I would not judge myself harshly for ending this misery. If there is a god, then maybe that god would keep us from our loved ones if we kill ourselves, but then s/he would just be proving her/himself to be an evil being unworthy of being called "god", in my opinion.
May I ask why you are sure that suicide would "destroy your chances" to see your mother? I'm not saying it wouldn't, because I don't know, and I'm definitely not advocating suicide....I'm just wondering why you feel as you do about this.
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I am just trying to cover all bases. I don't want to cause anyone to be hurt through my suicide. My mother , if she is still watching over me, would be very upset and sometimes I am like, I don't care, I have enough of this, I don't want to go through decades of existence without my mother, and some day, I feel like, I have to live on for my mother. I am going back and forth on this constantly.
I read that suicide is the harming of one's self and its bad karma. My mom fought till the end and shes going to a good place , I want to go where she is at, and I am afraid that sucidie would cause further suffering and be in worse condition in my next life and make it hard for my mother and I to be reunited.
I also thought about going to a medium. Its hard to find a reputable one, thats the major problem, but wouldn't it be nice if we can communicate with our loved ones through a legitimiate and credible medium?
Someone on this site recommend me this book, its about what happenes to our souls after death.
http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Souls-Studies-Between-Lives/dp/156718...
It does make me feel a bit better to hear stories of others, but like you said, I need to experience it myself to be sure my mom still exists.
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I guess I can understand wanting to cover your bases. I don't want my family to be hurt through my suicide either, and I know that they would be -- but I am also in an immense pain all the time, and I will never not want to die, and I honestly don't know if I will eventually kill myself or not. I feel a lot like you do -- I don't want to go through decades of existence without my husband, I don't even want to go through one more day without him.
Maybe suicide does cause bad karma, I don't know. I don't really know if I care, though, unless it would impact my ability to be with my husband. I don't know if there's an afterlife or a heaven or not, but I definitely don't believe in "hell", and if there is an afterlife I don't think that people who kill themselves out of severe emotional, mental or physical anguish should ever be kept from their loved ones -- some things, for some people, are simply, literally unbearable.
It is hard to find a good medium. I have an appointment/reading set up with this one for Spring of 2015 (the earliest open appt. she had available), and from what I can tell she seems legit: http://www.janetnohavec.com/ I don't know where you are (physically, where you live), but she does phone readings as well.
I don't think I've read the book you linked to, though I've read quite a few others like it, but maybe I will read that one as well. Thanks for the recommendation.
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