Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Tracie B. on March 14, 2014 at 11:26am

We both believe that his spirit is always around.

Have you thought about getting a reading from a (legitimate) Medium? Or is that something that you don't believe in? Sometimes it helps to connect to a loved one that way.

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on April 10, 2016 at 9:10am

Bluebird, I've just been reading through these many pages of posts. The reply tool is awkward, as is the layout, so ... I don't know where this will end up posting. I quoted the reference below -  this thoughtless and emotionally violent bludgeoning that we keep receiving, that we're expected to wrap up with that bothersome grief and (high squeaky sarcasm here) find joy again ...

My pain bearing muscles are getting stronger. No one can accuse me of "complicated grief" here six months in. I'm working, functioning, smiling, joking, throwing back my head with laughter ... all fake. All the keep the paycheck stable, all to keep them from fucking lecturing me about how I'm not going to keep feeling this futility. D's such better company.

I'm sure all are satisfied with my progress and clear expression of ongoing hope. I choose to fake it more than anything else because

it most certainly complicates my grief to be re-traumatized over and over with this shit that people try to lay onto your emotional experience. That certainly further isolates me, that intractably stupid pretense of " offering healing," which is nothing more than ignorant lack of compassion. Anyone who has spent two seconds trying to qualify themselves to actually help another knows that listening and receiving are the real work of compassion. These ignoranamus advicey types are "opening their mouths to remove all doubt," and that on top of everything else... Alright. Time to show compassion for someone whose ignorance is too painful for me to endure. Okay. One off the checklist of my new work in hell.

At least the irrelevant drivel of bible thumping is ridiculous enough to somewhat blow off.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart for another example of pure, emotional honesty.

Reply by bluebird on March 14, 2014 at 10:50am

I don't want it.

Yes, my family loves me, and I love them.  In one way that's great, but in another way it isn't, because it keeps me tethered here. I know it's hard for them to see me this way, and I wish it wasn't, but this is how I am.

There is no "new normal" for me.  This is not normal. This is not life. I reject this. I have no desire to be happy, no desire to be alive. People don't seem to understand this.  There is nothing more for me -- I am done.

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Permalink Reply by Wander on June 12, 2014 at 5:13pm

"The meaning in my life is gone, and that's that.  I won't go to a grief support group, or a grief counselor, or anything like that.  there's no need, there's nothing they could do to help.  the ONLY thing that would help, the only thing I want, is to be with my husband again."

 

I'm sorry to rake all this up-- I can't stop reading this thread. It resonates so powerfully, I've said so much of this verbatim. I've filled two journals and half of a third with it. I'm so tired of being asked, "Are you seeing someone? Have you talked to anybody?" Like a therapist is some sort of miracle worker who can magically fix this terrible grief. Just to shut people up I went three times, but that's all. No one can help. The only thing that can fix me is HAVING MY BELOVED BACK WITH ME. End of discussion. I can't afford to pay a professional for the privilege of sobbing in her office for an hour a week, especially when I can do it at home for free!

 

"I just want my body to hurry up and stop living as my spirit has."

 

YES. I will myself to die every time I lie down. I beg for death constantly. I don't want to be here. My husband is my home... I just want to go home...

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on June 14, 2014 at 10:36am

I will myself to die, too, though thus far it hasn't worked, dammit.  I don't understand why it hasn't worked, isn't the mind supposed to be able to influence the body?!? I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE, I WILL NEVER AGAIN WANT TO BE HERE.  All i want is to be with my husband (and eventually my other loved family members and pets too), but if there is no afterlife then I would prefer complete annihilation to continuing to live this life without him.

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Permalink Reply by Wander on June 14, 2014 at 7:55pm

I try every time I lay down. The whole mind over matter thing, you know? I WANT TO GO!!! Why can't I just go? I'll never stop trying to get to him. Eventually I'll find the courage to use something-- prescription medications, chemicals, something-- but I don't want to go that route until I'm positive it will work. 

This is such fucking bullshit!! I wasn't ready for my life to be over at 39. I didn't want this. I will never want it-- I will never be grateful, which is what people keep telling me-- "you should be grateful for the time you had." Fuck that!! I didn't even get 5 years of my happily ever after. I was promised eternity, and I want it NOW.

See, my husband and I had known each other since we were in sixth grade. I was 10 years old the first time I saw him, and in that moment I knew. Crazy, right? I was 10, and it scared me to death! But I knew, and I never doubted for one minute that he was my other half. I avoided him for two years, because it scared me so bad. The other kids kept trying to put us together (as the class boy-nerd and girl-nerd)-- I finally stopped fighting it.

He was (is) my everything. My first boyfriend, my first lover, the father of my first child (which I miscarried). That event, when we were 20, is what drove us apart-- he panicked and ran away, and I was too stupid to go after him. I will never, never forgive myself for that. I could have called-- I could have gone to him. But my pride was hurt, and he didn't want me, so I... let him go.

We were apart for 15 years. I married a complete loser whose only decent contribution to the planet was my three gorgeous, brilliant kids. He was abusive and manipulative, and when my beloved found me again, I was a beaten-down, broken thing... much like I am now, in fact. He had married as well, but in his case it was two friends who thought they might as well get tax benefits. It didn't work out, so they split up but remained friends. 

He moved to another state to be with me, and he loved our kids as though they were his. He took such good care of us-- all of us-- and I tried to take good care of him as well. I know I failed him in a million little ways, but I never stopped loving him. I thought of him every single day we were apart-- the first conversation I had with my ex was about him. I've loved him all my life; I can't stop now. 

From the time he came back to me, I never wanted to be away from him-- sometimes just going to work was too much! He was my rock, my anchor, my everything. I can't live without him and I don't want to try. Our lives were a mess when we were apart-- together, we could take on anything. 

I don't want to be away from him another minute. This hurts more than anyone should have to bear. I don't want it. I just want him. I want my husband. I want my heart.

Sorry to rant... I'm having a hard time today. I desperately hope we get our wish soon... 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on June 14, 2014 at 8:11pm

No need to apologize -- I understand.  Today is a bad day for me, too. Not sure why, maybe just because it's a Saturday and my beloved died on a Saturday. It's so fucked up -- he died one week to the day after our wedding, and on the first day of Autumn, which has always been my favorite season.

I didn't have the same sort of difficult life/love history that you did, but like you the first time I saw my husband I knew that he is my soulmate.  When you are with your soulmate and he dies, your soul dies with him. I am not here anymore, haven't been since the moment he died.

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Permalink Reply by Wander on June 15, 2014 at 9:33am

Exactly-- me neither. No one seems to understand that. How can a body exist without a soul to animate it? They all demand that I stay and participate in an existence that is hateful and repugnant. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in his arms. That's ALL I want. That's all I will ever want. 

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on June 15, 2014 at 10:43am

Same for me.

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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on April 26, 2014 at 4:29am

My husband died a month ago, in a motorcycle accident. I feel the same way you do. I'm going to grief counseling, but I don't want to. I am not going to get over this, and I don't want to. I don't care about life anymore. The only reason I'm still breathing is because I promised him, when we found out he was terminally ill, that when he died, I wouldn't kill myself. I don't want to live without him, and I wish I hadn't promised. 

The worst thing is when other men come on to me (yes, already), and think I will welcome their attentions. I don't welcome them. I am still married. The second worst thing is when people tell me I have to get past it, get over it, move on, etc. I don't have to do anything just because they are uncomfortable with my grief, and it wasn't my damn goldfish that died--it was my husband. My soul-mate. My everything. 

My best friend is never coming home, and I can't sleep or eat, and I am so tired of the silence. I want to talk to him, and have him talk to me. I'm already dead, my body just doesn't know it yet.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on April 26, 2014 at 10:53am

I'm sorry your husband died too, Veronica. I truly would not wish this on anyone. May I ask why you are going to grief counseling, if you don't want to? Do you find that it is helping you at all?

Like you, I will never "get over" this, nor "move on" in any way, and I wouldn't want to. I don't care about life, either. For me, the only reason I am still breathing is that I promised my family I wouldn't kill myself (my husband died so suddenly and unexpectedly, and so young, that we never had that conversation with each other -- though i'm sure he doesn't/wouldn't want me to kill myself).

Other men have not hit on me, thankfully.  If they ever do, they will be rebuffed (if they are normal men) or told off (if they are sleazy). Regardless, I will never be in any kind of romantic and/or sexual relationship with anyone else for the rest of my life. I am married, to my wonderful husband. The tragedy of his death does not change that. Anyway, I understand why you are turning away guys who hit on you.  I know some people do have other relationships after the death of their spouse/partner, and while that would never be right for me, I understand that it might be right for them. But one month after that death, guys are thinking you would want to date them? WTF is wrong with them??!??

No one has told me to get past it, get over it, move on, etc. My family says that they hope someday I will feel better, will be able to have some happiness in my life, etc.  That won't happen, but I understand that they love me and so they want me to be happy. But they know how much my husband and I love each other, and they would never tell me to "move on" or the like. So far no one else has said that shit to me either, at least not so bluntly and stupidly; if anyone does, they will be told off by me. As you said, we don't have to do anything, just to make other people more comfortable or because it's "expected" or "normal" or whatever. No one else can tell me how to be.  How I am now really isn't even my choice; I am how I am now because my beloved husband died, and because I don't even know if there's an afterlife in which he exists & is happy, in which he is still himself, and in which he and I will be reunited.

You said "I'm already dead, my body just doesn't know it yet." -- that is exactly how I feel, exactly how it is for me.  Other people (who haven't had their soulmate die) don't seem to be able to understand that.

Anyway, I hope you are able to find a little bit of peace.

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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on April 26, 2014 at 8:35pm

I'm going to grief counseling because I have to go back to work eventually, and they won't let me unless someone releases me to go back. Not that I really want to, but I'll have to pay the bills some way, if I'm going to remain here on Earth. So far, it's not really helping, but I've only had the one session. 

I have no idea what is wrong with those guys, except that if they are hitting on me so early after my husband's death, then they have no heart. And do they really think I am that disloyal? All of my desire is for my husband, whether he's here or not, apparently. He's the only one I want, and the only one I'll ever want.

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Permalink Reply by Brenda Ann on April 27, 2014 at 11:44am

My dear Veronica,

The very first thing you have to understand is that every person handles grief differently. Grief is as personal as a fingerprint and no one can nor should try to tell you what is best for you. You will make this horrible journey in your own way and at your own pace. Grief counseling is great in that it gives you someone that will listen.

Talking can be a helpful release. Following the death of all ten of his children, as well as some other personal tragedies, the ancient patriarch Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to [Hebrew, “loose”] my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Job could no longer restrain his concern. He needed to let it loose; he had to “speak.” Similarly, the English dramatist Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth: “Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.”

So talking about your feelings to “a true companion” who will listen patiently and sympathetically can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) Putting experiences and feelings into words often makes it easier to understand them and to deal with them. And if the listener is another bereaved person who has effectively dealt with his or her own loss, you may be able to glean some practical suggestions on how you can cope. When her child died, one mother explained why it helped to talk to another woman who had faced a similar loss: “To know that somebody else had gone through the same thing, had come out whole from it, and that she was still surviving and finding some sort of order in her life again was very strengthening to me.”

I am so glade that you found this website because so many are willing to share their stories and lend a hug when we can. I promise to listen anytime you need a friend. . .

Brenda

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