Morbid curiosity

I lost my younger sister on December 20, 2012 to domestic violence.

I've felt a multitude of feelings and thought many things since that day. Most I think are normal. Anger, sadness, emptiness, lost, guilt - all these I think are normal during the grieving process.

One thing that I'm not sure is so normal is when I think these things..

I know certain facts about the manner in which Becky died. Things I wish I didn't know, things I can't stop thinking about. These lead me to think about the actual process of dying. Specifically dying in a violent way.

Do people pass out at a certain point? Do they stop feeling pain before they go? Does their life 'flash before their eyes'? 

I know I can't possibly ever get the answers to these questions.

But then I start thinking things that are completely ridiculous. Becky was buried so I think is she cold? Does she feel alone? Is she comfortable? It's dark down there, she can't see - she needs a flashlight.

Is it weird that I think these things? Has anyone else thought like this? Will these thoughts ever go away?

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on January 24, 2013 at 3:23pm

yes iv often wonderd this my self of lost family espesely my dad willhe rise from his ashes but if i thnk abot to mush my brain goes in to over acteve imaginging silly mode or do the 1s tht hav past come out at nite to party mode i wish i cud anser for u but evry time i thng abot this kind of thng i end up in a silly hed spase sory if i have not give u a anser

Permalink Reply by Christine Leakey on January 25, 2013 at 9:02am

I wish I wouldn't think about such things. I don't want to think about my sister dying, it hurts to much. But I can't stop my mind from going there. Don't apologize for not having the answer. I don't think anyone does. I just really wanted to know if others had thoughts like that, too. Thank you for responding, it is comforting to know I'm not alone in thinking like that.

Permalink Reply by anna l. on January 25, 2013 at 11:57am

Christine I think you are not alone in what your mind thinks of.  My sister has spoken of how much she hated that her baby daughter B. was buried and that she was quite suicidal because she wanted to be buried with her so baby B. wouldn't have to be alone.  You will hear this all the time but it is the honest truth....  There is no right or wrong way to grieve as long as it doesnt involve hurting yourself or others.  Right now you are just trying to process what happened and questioning things is part of that.  I sure wish this tragedy had not happened to your family. 

Permalink Reply by Christine Leakey on January 25, 2013 at 12:02pm

Thank you, Anna. I'm sorry for yours and your sisters loss. I can never imagine the pain of losing a child. The loss of my sister has, at times, made me feel like I won't survive it. I think I'm definitely a far cry away from being suicidal because I know I have so much to live for but there certainly are days when I just want to crawl into a dark hole.

Permalink Reply by Greg on January 25, 2013 at 10:56pm

Christine,

I am sorry for the loss of your Sister.  

My Mom died on December 18th and I am having some of the same thoughts surrounding her burial;  in fact some times the thought of her being in the casket in the ground makes me crazed and I have some of the the thoughts as you describe about wondering if she is cold, etc, etc..  Rationally, I realize that her body was the vessel that she used for her life, yet emotionally it gets very difficult sometimes to separate the rational from the emotional responses.  

I'm coming to realize that none of my thoughts and feelings are bad---they are mine and are unique to my processing of grieving the loss of my Mom.

I wish you all the best and again my condolences.

Greg

Permalink Reply by Eliza on January 26, 2013 at 12:13am
I have thought these things about my mom. She passed from cancer, but I have had thoughts like, "we shouldn't put her ashes in such and such place because it's kind of far away and lonely."

I am so sorry for your loss and your pain.

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