MISSING MOM

Hi every one i am new to this but after reading the discussions i feel that i am not alone. I am 56 and single and lost mom Nov 2010 which was not a big surprise as mom suffered a massive stroke Dec 2007,but a shock just the same.Mom was doing really well and I had an CNA from the nursing home come to the house but after she would leave I was the sole caretaker.I had no problem in the beginning but little by little mom was having trouble with reality as she would say the strangest things,like there are black cats in the room,and I do have 2 cats but they are not black,or to get washing machine from behind the curtain and when she wanted the TV off because the people on the screen could see her and would wave to her. The doctor did say she was in a state of dementia she was 83 and the stroke played a big part in her brain function. I know I would get so frustrated when she would talk like this that I would start to yell at her to try to make her understand but the doctor and the CNA said just be calm and go along with what ever she would say. any way from Feb she did not want to eat,she lost so much weight that in June the doctor wanted to put the feed tube back and that is when she said she just wanted to die.Mom started to do better but she started having visits from my dad who passed at 49 in 1974,and he was the love of her life and do not think mom or myself ever got over his death as it was a massive heart attack.

  I watched mom get worse and worse and finally had to go back to the hospital in Nov,and on Nov 11 the hospital called to say she was not responsive and she was brain dead, I was told there was nothing could be done and that I had to make choice. How can I take the life of the women that gave me life but mom was already gone.

  I had my cousin and friends but the nights are when I start to think so much about her,and while she was on life support I told her it was ok and that she would be with dad and all her family and I told her I always tried to be the daughter she hoped I would be,but of all the days I spent with mom I was not with her when she passed. I now wake up from sleep or even watching TV and see my self standing over her grave and not see dirt but I can see her just laying in her coffin.I just find that so hard to tell people so I keep it to myself. I hope by joining this group I would be able to express my feelings

      All the best to everyone

              Debbie

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Permalink Reply by deborah white on January 18, 2012 at 6:07pm

Hi Panni Anna,

   Thank you for understanding how i feel,sometimes i feel funny to say how i see mom esp to people who knew her. My mom was so active and I do remember all the fun we had together. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy and why I cannot see her as the women she was and I KNOW she is looking down and watching me and she must be furious to see me act this way.I talk to her all the time and I have to laugh because mom was Italian and a super cook,and now when I try to cook I just stand in the kitchen and just see her shaking her head watching me make a mess.All the the things she told me growing up are all making sense now,I always have to ask myself how did she get so smart.

     I feel better letting my thoughts out,My dog and my 2 cats have always been such a comfort to me but it is nice to have people who understand and I can let my feelings out.

     Thank you,and I hope we can chat often,and Anna was my moms name and I am so glad I DECIDED TO JOIN.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Nichols on January 23, 2012 at 2:21pm

I am so much like you Debbie. I am 54 and mom died after over a year of hospitals, emergency rooms, skilled nursing facilitiy, and then home for 1 precious month. She has been gone 2 months, now. She lost track of reality when she had an infection, lost weight, etc  and the long length of caring for her and all of her ups and downs with hopes and then no hope, wore my sister and I out. (we each gaineda bout 50 pounds with all of the stuff we did).  I was the one taking care of her at my home and had to call the ambulance when the chemo go too much for her body. I was not there either when my mom's kidneys failed in the hospital. I went to the hospital and we took off the tubes and the ventilator. While she was on the ventilator my sister told her it was ok to go. I truly believe this: that our mother's knew how much we loved them and understand all - especially if we were not there. They would not have wanted us to get sick and worn by watching them 24 hours a day in the hospital. They want us to be healthy and happy. I am crying as I write this but, I know your mom was this way too.  I truly believe that not a lot of words need to be said , in almost all cases, when someone we love dies, there is so much understanding there. 

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